After An Affair - To Tell or Not to Tell

“Why should I tell?” is one of the questions most frequently asked by the betrayer after an affair, and for them, this question presents a frightening dilemma. The arguments are universal: Why should my mate be hurt because of my bad behavior? What they don’t know won’t hurt them. They’ll never be able to handle the truth. It would be the end of my marriage. How could I do that to the other party and their marriage? Why should I dump my stuff on them just to get rid of my guilt? And the list goes on.

At first glance these arguments seem logical, but they fail to address the larger issues that arise after an affair.

In reality, most arguments against disclosure after an affair are self-serving and don’t address the best interest of one’s mate or the best interest of recovery. Maybe a better question would be, “Would my mate want to know?” The vast majority of the time, the primary motivation for not telling is fear. We’re afraid of what would happen if our mate were to find out. How will they react? What will it cost ME? Disclosure is all about surrendering a secret life, as well as choosing truth instead of deceitful lies, and health over pathology. It is about surrender not control, about letting go rather than hanging on.

Recovery after an affair is not about maintaining the status quo, and it is not about business as usual. Rather, it is about a changed life, a new beginning, and true intimacy. . Intimacy is allowing another person to really know you and a willingness to know them.  Infidelity is the keeping of secrets and for that very reason robs couples of intimacy. . Recovery is about new beginnings and the old baggage needs to be discarded. To do that, the truth has to be removed from its hiding places and exposed to the light.

The most disturbing aspect about not sharing the truth, with our mate is control and manipulation. Information is control and the unwillingness to share the truth robs one’s mate of being able to make an informed decision. It ruins the betrayer’s opportunity to truly be chosen. You can never be loved unconditionally if you only conditionally allow your mate to know who you are.

Decisions regarding “telling” don’t need to be based upon what a spouse has stated regarding what they will do if their mate betrays them. No one knows how their spouse will respond in the short term or long term. In the majority of couples we’ve helped, the betrayed spouse has previously made the threat that if their mate ever cheats on them, then they’re gone; but they can never know how they’re going to react before they actually find themselves in that situation. Our experience shows that the betrayed spouse may well give the relationship a chance as long as their mate is broken and grieved over what they’ve done to their spouse.

Some of you may be saying at this point, “You don’t know my spouse,” and you’d be right. But at the same time, maybe you don’t know how they’ll respond. In the past 25 years of working with marriages wounded by unfaithfulness, I can only think of a handful of cases where I didn’t believe it was best to tell the truth after an affair. If you didn’t want to hurt them, then you shouldn’t have done the deed. To keep them in the dark is almost always in your short-term best interest, and almost never in theirs.

In many ways, the most important issue of recovery after an affair isn’t about the behavior. If all we try to do is stop bad and hurtful behavior, then all we will have done is swept cobwebs. In my mind we need to kill the spider and that sort of work can never be done in secret.. It’s learning how to embrace what I’ve done and to take personal responsibility so I can begin to address the problem. This sort of work can never be done for one’s mate only- it can only be done out of my own passionate desperation to get help and healing. It’s about taking responsibility for what I’ve done rather than avoiding the consequences by keeping my behavior secret. In short friends, it’s about growing up and facing the darkness of the situation. Only then can we find hope and only then can we find true and lasting recovery after an affair.