The worst advice I have ever gotten about getting over the fact that I was betrayed by my husband, was to betray him the same way to get back at him. How ignorant is that! You are trying to scrape up what is left of your marriage and you recieve advice to hurt your spouse like they have hurt you. I would't wish this hurt on anyone else even the person who created it. The type of advice that makes me feel better, is the advice that has common sense to it and works towards the possible salvage of my relationship with my husband. Because the truth is, no one person can help you save your marriage, it will take alot of time and alot of work before the relationship can be saved. The plain truth is if you are not both willing to work through the pain that has been caused, it will not happen. Now that is good advice.

My own mother calmly suggested "honey, you're getting older, why can't you just lose a bit of weight, look the other way and take what your hubby has to offer when he's there?"

Thank God I am strong enough to say the truth "because I DESERVE MORE out of Life!!!"

He told you why he did it. Now let it go.

I was told by several people that I should just ignore the affair and pretend it never happended! Even if he continued to see her!

Friends are a good source of bad advice. They care about you and want to help fix your problem. They give bad advice out of their desire to help. They either have never experienced what you are going through, or if they have, they recommend doing what they did, often with a desire to justify their decision. During my separation, I would whine to friends about how unhappy I was in my marriage. As I would complain and build my case of why I was justified in being so unhappy, friends would often say, "God wants you to be happy." That advice was generally followed with a recommendation to get divorced, like getting rid of my wife was the equivilent of getting rid of my unhappiness. Being a Christian, I knew that if I really wanted to know what God wanted for me, that the best place to look was the Bible. As I searched the Bible, I couldn't find any references justifying divorce so that I could be happy. God said that he hated divorce. And that seemed to be the case even if I had been justified in divorcing for adultry, which I wasn't. My wife and I eventually reconciled. As I followed God's will for my life, a funny thing happended, I found happiness.

The worst advice I've received so far was actually from a marriage counselor. My husband and I had been meeting with her for about six months. I had just had an anger-filled tirade at him the previous week regarding his infidelity and we told the counselor about it. She said that I shouldn't still be angry with him, and that I should consult a psychiatrist because I may have a bipolar disorder. Needless to say, I am not bipolar and I was just having a set-back according to our new counselor and our communications are getting more productive and surprisingly, more loving. I only found out about his infidelity in October 2007.

The worst advice I ever got was at what was billed as a "healing workshop for infidelity" where we spent the better part of an evening session getting in touch with and nurturing my inner child. Here was the advice:

"in order to not have affairs in the future you have to get in touch with the child within you... so let's do this by thinking of a time when you were little, grab his little hand and tell him how special he really is" at which point I spontaneous erupted into laughter that I desperately tried to hide from my fellow participants ardently on the search for small psychological archetypes in all corners of the room.

I honestly felt like I was stuck in a very bad Saturday Night Live skit instead of a very expensive not helpful workshop....

Dear Brother Rick and Co.

I rejoice to see how we are ONE! In good times and bad! I must decline the invite ...but only cause...though ONE and in fellowship...He leads us individually.

No ones knows...in my case...so I've got no "bad advice" regarding my husband's infidelities. I do rejoice that you call on 'us' to walk in the light, AS HE IS IN THE LIGHT, that we may have fellowship, His blood cleans!

I have not been given that...to share...but, no less blessed...I do encourage you as staff and shepherds of 'us'...Some...able to share or not able, but all;for love of Him and His standing in the gap by His power.

Thank you for your prayers...He listens...and 'we' are conforted ad encouraged INMENSELY!

I was actually told in the middle of a complte and total mental breakdown that if I just got up off the couch and did the chicken dance I would feel better! No joke. This advice of course came from my husband who had cheated on me and caused the complete and total mental breakdown.....go figure!

My husband violated our relationship with an infidelity five months ago. We are still very much so struggling even living together. We have been separated since I have found out. I'm sure you'll have many other entries with worse advice than I've gotten, but here goes. After only 3 days after finding out, I was speaking to a close friend of mine about it, and she just very bluntly told me to leave him. I'm sure she had the very best of intentions, but boy how harsh she was blew me away. She even used the old saying, once a cheater, always a cheater. How easy it is for other people to tell you what you should do when I've committed my life to this man for the past 15 years? I was just blown away by her advice. Of course I haven't left him as of yet, it's looking more and more that may be the case, things between us just aren't improving and I don't know what to do to improve our relationship. We are in counseling and have been for several months, during our last session, I felt our therapist annoyed with our relationship and things not going anywhere. She even used the term, Shit or get off the pot, that either we are going to make it work or we need to call it quites. How awful I felt after that session as well, I love my husband, I know that he loves me and is regretful of what he did, but we just can't seem to move in the right direction. Any "good" advice is very welcome if you have it.

Sincerely,

Nikki

Immediately after my husband stated he was leaving me for another woman 15 years younger than him and notifying me that he had a 6 year old son and that his current girlfriend was pregnant, I desperately seeked a christian counselor. Although this counselor was aware that I had taken my husband back numerous times after affairs she advised me to continue supporting him, loving him both emotionally and physically and he would eventually turn around. This advice altho nice was a complete violation to any type boundaries or protection. Monica

Hi Rick,
Here's my entry for worst advice. Our "marriage counselor" (and I used the term loosely) when hearing that I was going to accompany my husband on his Las Vegas business trip, gave us this advice.... She told us she had recently gotten back from a trip there and said we HAD to go to a certain show that would do us a world of good. It was a "cirque de soleil-type" show and I thought, why not? We should've done more research....it was an offensive x-rated show that made me very uncomfortable! And, as if the Lord was telling us that this was not the way, two of the "acrobats" took a horrific fall from over 50 feet in th air, almost killing them both. The show was stopped, lights came on, rescue workers raced in and people in the audience were passing out and throwing up. I need advice like that like I need a hole in the head! Sadly, this was a counselor our pastor recommended. Like you say so often Rick, unless you've gone through a betrayal, you have NO idea!

I have got everything from: get him fired, vandalize his car, beat the other woman up, and so on and so forth. How is vengence going to solve anything? It will only get me either thrown in jail or broke.

"Oh well that was her then, now she is a new creation since she became a Christian" (even though she didn't have the courage to tell me about her multiple affairs until 9 years later...and then torture me for over a year with disclosure in bits and pieces when I asked for full disclosure.

This comment was from a college psychology professor who was also a close friend just a few weeks after divorce from a 30-year marriage, "I have worked with a lot of divorced people, and you, by far, are taking it harder than anyone else I know."

This comment was from a close friend right after the adultery(s) was uncovered, "I know he committed adultery numerous times, but it isn't all his fault, there are always two sides to every divorce."

This comment was from a good friend, "You need to do what a friend told my mom after she found out my dad had a short affair". Her sister-in-law (husband's sister) gave her a metal fence post about 6' long and a sledge hammer and told her to hammer it into the ground until it disappeared into the dirt and then forget about it and not go out and dig it up again. It was over, leave it buried"

Thanks

This comment was from a college psychology professor who was also a close friend just a few weeks after divorce from a 30-year marriage, "I have worked with a lot of divorced people, and you, by far, are taking it harder than anyone else I know."

This comment was from a close friend right after the adultery(s) was uncovered, "I know he committed adultery numerous times, but it isn't all his fault, there are always two sides to every divorce."

This comment was from a good friend, "You need to do what a friend told my mom after she found out my dad had a short affair". Her sister-in-law (husband's sister) gave her a metal fence post about 6' long and a sledge hammer and told her to hammer it into the ground until it disappeared into the dirt and then forget about it and not go out and dig it up again. It was over, leave it buried"

Thanks

My husband and I were really struggling in our marriage from my husband's addiction to pornography which eventually led to an affair. We went to see a "Christian" marriage counselor who told my husband it would be ok to look at Victoria's Secret catalogs. He went on to fully describe his own experience at a strip club. After trying several counselors, we discovered how many quacks are out there. The worst advice that I got was to immediately divorce my husband and take care of myself. Because people want a quick fix these days, that seemed to be everyone's advice to me. There is a fine line between becoming a martyr and making sure you have given the marriage your all. I felt that if I gave up without first giving my best, I was doing myself, my children, and my decendants a huge disservice. You can't control another human being, no matter what method you use, but God can do miracles. I tried to make sure I prayed over my husband throughout the day and that I was listening for God's direction in my life. This was in the midst of incredible emotional pain when I didn't even like my husband. But I couldn't change the fact that he was my husband or would be my ex-husband if I chose that. I couldn't change the fact that he was the father of my children. He would always have access into my life through our children, so getting a divorce is not the easy solution that some believe. Fortunately, my husband listened to God and turned his life around. I know that I have no guarantees for a perfect life, but am looking to God everyday for my answers. No matter what my husband chooses, God has a plan for my life.

During the time when I was really hurting from my husband's affair I was given what was absolutely the worst advice ever. It was about 5-6 months after I had found out about his affair, which just happened to be a 10 year affair with my best friend and I was in a moderate clinical depression. My husband had just told the couselor that he was really down because I was so 'negative' all the time. He acknowledged that my 'normal' personality wasn't negative at all, it was just since I found out about the affair that I was negative. The counselor turned to me and told me that I needed to be very sensitive to his feelings and in fact be nurturing to him. She also recommended that we only talk about the affair once a week for 30 minutes. Obviously, she had never personally had to deal with anything of the magnitude that we were going through. My husband has since done a complete about-face and totally acknowledges that what he did (the affair) was wrong. At the time this advice was given he was still in a lot of denial and had not realized the truth of what he had done. If we would have followed this advice we would never be able to get to a place of restoration.

One time while talking to my counselor about my husbands long time affair, who also met my husband twice while we were dealing with my daughter's issues, told me that he didn't think I would be content/happy if I didn't resolve the situation and deal with it and later told me that he thought my husband might commit suicide if I did actually file for divorce. I can not get that comment out of my head. My husband is not really sorry for what he did only sorry that he got caught. Now what do I do? He tells me one thing (which is true) and then tells me he may commit suicide? I am having a horrible time dealing with the affair that was over a few year period. I do believe they still see each other and he calls her his "friend."

My worst comment came from my cheating husband. "You should just get over it! Do you think you are faultless?!! You are so selfish!" Like being unfaithful for 5 yrs. with 4 different married women could have ANY equal? BTW, he is still in denial about the damage he has caused our eleven children, not to mention me or our marriage. We are 2 1/2 years out from discovery and have not made much progress aside from realizing that lawyers are very expensive. He thinks time alone will heal everything, but he is still running away (he moved 5 hours away after the first year) and tells everyone he only did it to "provide better"

"Relax, this is not the worst thing that's going to happen in your marriage." This advice was given to me after I found porn video clips in the trash on our computer and evidence that he paid for several more which some clips were bought 2 weeks after our wedding. I found those clips a few months after the wedding. Now we are 2 1/2 years into our marriage and doing well. We have both changed for the better! But it's not because of the advice.

After my husband had multiple extra marital sexual encounters and spent more than $22,000 at strip clubs, a friend of mine suggested I wait until his BMW convertible (the other half of his midlife crises)was in the garage, take a pic ax to it, burn the house down, max out the credit cards and walk away and forget he ever existed. Her other suggestion was to put a thong on the Thanksgiving turkey prior to serving it to my husband.

My mother told me that a pastor once told her: "All men go through this at some point in their life, you should just wait for them to get it out of their system."

The unfaithful spouses get bad advice during the recovery process too. I was referred to a "Christian" psychiatrist by my "Christian" counselor. This psychiatrist told me that my husband needs to stop talking about my affairs, and that he is an "abuser" and that I should leave him. He said "Your marriage sounds like the one of the worst cases in my 30 years of counseling couples. I don't see much hope here. Your husband hasn't truly forgiven you if he continues to talk about it." This man had not even met my husband! I was doing counseling in an effort to change myself and my OWN bad behaviors, yet these counselors told me to leave him because of HIS angry reactions to MY infidelity! Then he told me I am probably bipolar and ADD, and prescribed me 2 medications for it-- as if my infidelity were some result of mental illness instead of SIN.

I stopped counseling altogether after the original counselor reported me to Social Services!! She did so without notifying me. I had sent her an email detailing the depths of my depression resulting from the fallout of my own adultery, and how shamed and horrible I felt, etc.. and she concluded that because of my emotional state, I was incapable of properly caring for my children!! So, she forwarded my email on to Social Services despite absolutely NO evidence that my children were being neglected in ANY way! How in the world could Social Services help my husband and me heal our marriage? Give me a break!

I've also had some REALLY bad advice from well-meaning friends. I was pretty open with a few girlfriends after my adultery was revealed, and just wanted to talk and process what we were going through. I had one girlfriend send me a book (I forget the name) about mysogynists, and told me point blank that because of my husband's reactions to my betrayal, that he was a woman hater, and abuser, and that basically I should leave him.

BAD ADVICE: Wow, I know we all get that.
"You need to put your husbands name all over the internet, take an add out in the newpaper, hang banners around town so everyone knows what kind of person he is so NO ONE would ever trust or touch him again. He DESERVES IT." My friend was extremely serious when she said this.

The saddest advice I got was from my mom...."You need to stop playing games, either talk to him and welcome him back into your life or stop talking to him and get rid of him, but stop playing games." Trust me, I do not know how you play games when your going through this kind of heart break.

No One knows how hard or painful this experience is unless they have been there. I am just so thankful that I have Christ in my life and it is through Him I get my wisdom and advice.

God Bless you all:

The very worst advice I to was from a friend who is going through the same thing.
"Do what I did, post your husband all over the internet, make posters and post them all over town, write an editorial in the local newspaper, so everyone knows what kind of man he is than no other sane woman would touch him." She was serious and she did this exact thing to her husband and his OW. But its just not what Christ would want me or anyone to do and I could not believe she did it.

The saddest advice I got was from my mother, "Stop playing games, either forgive him and get on with it or kick him out of you life and be done with it, but the talking, fighting and trying to understand his actions is getting you know where, so stop playing games and get on with your life." My mother is a Christian woman and her belief is if your husband brings home a good pay check and supplies you with a good living, accept him, he can do no wrong.

In researching information about restoring marriage, I ran across a book written by a rabbi. At first glance, the book promised increased intimacy and excitement in marriage. The first chapter was highlighted the appeal of illicit affairs to which married relationships cannot compare. It got worse. Quoting John Gottman, the author states that the commonly accepted premise of love and respect being the two most important ingredients in a happy marriage are absurd. The author states, "Marriages that are based on trust become boring, routine, and predictable. Husbands who "respect" their wives usually treat them like their mothers or their sisters. They may look up to them, but they do not want to make love to them. Marriages should be based not on trust, but on tension, Not on routine, but on raging emotion. Not on respect, but on jealousy. Not on confidence, but on suspicion." pg. 8. I knew that the advice was wrong and stupid, but the fact that my husband has gone outside our marriage, I have felt more like a mother or sister. It triggered a flood of very painful emotions in me. I expected a more biblical approach from a rabbi. I guess some people will do anything to sell a book...

One of my long-time friends was trying to help my husband and I through this situation. Because my husband's traveling had a lot to do with my feelings of loneliness, she suggested that we sell our house (the market is awful right now), sell of our belongings, give away our dog and cat, move in with my husband's parents in their spare bedroom, and that I quit my job (never mind that we have bills and debts we have to pay off), so that I could travel with him and everything would be ok. We would never get our debt pad off, we'd be incurring more debt with my travel expenses (airfare, meals on the go, etc), would probably end up crazy living with my in-laws, and would actually be paying on a house that sold under value in this awful housing market. We always say that my friend lives in her own world sometimes and this just goes to prove it.

One day while picking up a book I won on a Christian radio station, the receptionist asked if they were serving all my needs as a listener of the Word. Of course, this radio station was doing a fine job or I wouldn't have been listening. I told her I had a major problem that radio probably could not address and that I couldn't figure out how to handle the situation. I told this lady briefly about my husband's addiction to pornography and his unemployment, and she excitedly told me, " I know just the counselor for you!!"

I went to this counselor and told him, "You are the 8th Christian counselor to see me as a client. (Help me Jesus) I know I am here by divine appointment." This counselor then worked with me singly for several months to investigate how deep the issues were, software for the internet, etc... Then came the time to confront and of all things, the counselor suggested filing for divorce, 2 days before the scheduled confrontation. Because I had to have all access to the kids to protect them from the situation and divorce would be potentially more harmful because I couldn't control things outside of my household. I wanted my children to have a restored father. At first I thought, " This is the worst possible advice I could get!!" At that point I was totally checked out of the marriage because things were so bad. My business clients were even making fun of me because of upset stomach issues at inopportune times.

I went with this worst possible advice knowing that I had a Spirit filled counselor who had consulted with God Himself about our situation and that I trusted God to take care of all of us.

This worst possible advice turned out to be the best possible advice because it was exactly the way the Lord wanted to restore our marriage, family and health in His perfect timing.

A year and a half later, our lawyers tore up the divorce filing (not granted) papers. Now 3 1/2 years later we are a testimony to the goodness of God and the importance of being obedient to His will. Glory be to God!!!

When my parents found out about my husbands adultery, my Dad called me and told me that I needed to go to Victoria's Secret and get some sexy underwear. The implication was that it was my fault that my husband was having sex with "my friend"(and I use that term loosely), and that his infidelity could be fixed with some new underwear.

The really bad suggestion came from the one who comes to steal, kill and destroy. The evil one whispered that I should "pull over" on the Interstate, flag down a truck driver and have sex with him on the side of the road to prove that I was still desireable. When I ignored that advice, the evil one cranked it up a notch and suggested that if I would kill myself and get out of the picture, then my husband and his mistress could raise our children and everyone would live happily everafter!

bad advice ?? my friend said "let me get affair with her. So when i am sleeping with her, let your husband to see it. I am sure that your husband is so surprised and leave her."

but, how can i tell my friend's wife ?? he..he..he..

My worst advise was to "Kick him to the curb" I was also told that every man does it even if they are christian. I don't believe that at all. I know that we both suffered from listening to the enemy and getting involved with pornogrophy. We started watching it to get some pointers I thought. Eventually it turns into an addiction that you crave. It is really scary to not have control over your desires. Just don't ever even go there for a second. We have renewed our vows and now actually have more intimacy in our lives than ever before. I had to ask God to help me to forgive him and it was only through HIM that I can trust again. Trust in Him and you will find everything that you nee.

Tell the "other woman's" mom.

The worst advice I was given was the day I found out my marriage was not at all what I thought it was.

I was devestated and in the midst of it all, I was told I needed to make a decision - my husband or my children. Who did I love more? After all, I couldn't have both.

Not quite what the Lord has in mind.

I've received some pretty terrible advice from several people, my mother told me to start drinking champagne, my sister told me to sign up at sugar daddies.com find a rich guy to take care of me and move on, but theee worste advice was from my father in law, that has also told both of us to "shit or get off the pot" like that means anything. After going through an emotional roller coaster of depression, anger, low self worth, then anger again; he told me that I shouldn't care what any of my friends or family told me about my husband and that because of the fact that he was still financially supporting me that I shouldn't be angry with him. In fact, I should be "kissing his a--!"

The advise that I received almost destroyed me both physically and spiritually. My closest friend, whom had also went thru an affair with her husband, and to whom I turned when I found out about my husband's past affair, gave me this advise. When your husband comes to you on his hands and knees, asking you to forgive him, as a christian you must forgive. You just take him to your room and make love to him and never talk about it or bring it up again. If you want Christ to forgive you of all your wrong doings, this is what is expected of you. She went on and quoted some scriptures and said that is what she did, and that Christ has blessed her marriage ever since. Needless to say, I soon felt like a complete failure, not being able to make love to a man who had hurt me more then any physical blow. A man who had been my life partner and my spiritual friend and whom I trusted with all my soul. A man who stood beside me during the birth of all 5 of our children, was there for me thru 2 bouts of cancer and had celebrated 34 years of marriage, had betrayed me. And now I also felt betrayed by God. How could He allow something like this to happen? This doesn't happen to faith believing people. Then I started to question my faith because I couldn't get past the hurt and anger. I was unable to take my friends advise and just love and forgive. P>S> she had also told my husband what she had advised me so he was very smug and thought all he had to do was go to the bedroom and wait. It's been 3 years now and believe me its a very hard and bumpy road, but I am learning how to cope. First I had to make it right with God , and after that the pieces of my life are falling back together. By the way, why my past friend found it so easy to forgive her husband, they had a skeleton in their closet. They participate in open marriage and so both have had several different partners.

I know it's too late for the contest and I really wasn't looking to get in on it.

But I have to share this with you and would like to hear what you think, if possible.

After nearly 9 months of counceling, our "licenced in family therapy" councelor told us that if we wanted to continue coming, it was up to us, but she did not feel that she could do any more for us since we had now depressed her.

We never went back.

After finding out that my husband of 17 years had been having an emotional affair with a young girl who works at our gym my mother actually gave me some of the worst and best advice. She told me to pretend to get over it until I finish school and then leave him. And the worst part of it she told me I should go out and do the same. An eye for an eye. I would never be able to do that though. We have gone to a few counseling sessions, but the counselor doesnt want him in her office. She also thinks that our marriage is over and I should leave as soon as financially able.