Survivors Blog: 

Erick

“If I get pregnant, I’ll just have an abortion.” When asked if she was safe Threatening to have me arrested for child abuse Using kids’ social media accounts to contact and stalk men Sleeping with a man she met two hours earlier on Facebook….. unprotected Setting up dating apps while in the parking lot waiting for our therapy appointment Wearing different clothes and hairstyles Sneaking off to the bathroom to text APs while at Disneyland with the family These and many others are examples of my wife’s behavior while still in her multiple affairs. It made me physically sick. I could not wrap my head around how my sweet, innocent, God-fearing wife had become the monster in front of me. I wanted to lash out at her. I wanted her to hurt as much as I was hurting. In fact, I wanted to see her in a gutter with a needle in her arm (A direct quote from my journal at the time). In Transformative Love and Respect After Betrayal Part 1, I wrote about how my thinking changed while in recovery and how God’s Word had helped me see things differently. We are told to love “anyway” and not “because.” How could I love my wife with everything she was doing at the time? This began a journey of discovery. Drug addicts will steal, injure, or even sometimes prostitute themselves to get the next hit of drugs. Dopamine and other brain pleasure chemicals are dumped into our bodies in abundance during “lust” and “infatuation.” Both are powerful drugs and addicting. God designed us that way to assist with the “bonding” process. Today, we are seeing numerous negative effects of these chemicals in people who are addicted to “likes'' on Instagram or other platforms. There are also many reports of higher suicide rates for those in withdrawal from the chemical hits. My wife was madly in “lust,” “limerence,” and “infatuation” with these guys, and her body was being flooded with these pleasure chemicals with every text or thought. She didn’t want that feeling to end and would do just about anything to make it continue. Recognizing some of the realities of my situation allowed me to rationalize some of my behaviors. If my wife was instead addicted to painkillers and had drained our bank account to pay for them, how would I react? Would I divorce her immediately? Would I leave her in a gutter with a needle in her arm? Or would I do anything in my power to help her recover? Not to be a doormat or excuse her behavior but to provide support, love, and care wherever I could. Making sure she stays accountable and can see the effects of her behavior but hoping and praying for the best and, being there when the guy inevitably leaves and holding her close when the withdrawal begins, and the weight of her actions hit. I’m not a saint. It took me a long time to work through this. Why would God ask me to do this? Did he want me to suffer? Did I deserve the pain? Even Jesus struggled with this. In Matthew 26, verse 39, Jesus fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” (Matthew 26:39 NIV) After some time, I began to realize that God was trying to teach me a new type of love—a love that He shows us daily. Jesus chose to love us “anyway”. I chose to love my wife “anyway”. I chose to love my wife by finding and insisting on personal and individual counseling for us both. I chose to love by searching out help from Affair Recovery (EMS Weekend, Harboring Hope, Hope for Healing). I chose to love her by working on myself and not trying to control her. I chose to love her by doing my best to keep her safe while she was in the depth of her affairs. I chose to love her by trying to keep her in contact with our Small Group and other women who could help navigate the withdrawals. I chose to love her by giving her time to recover. I couldn’t expect an immediate change of heart. I gave her a year to begin the process of recovery and committed to no long term decisions for that time period. I chose to love her by committing to working on myself and my relationship with God. A healthy marriage requires two healthy individuals and I definitely had my own demons to address (codependency, porn addictions). I chose to love her by removing the burden for her recovery from myself and allowing God to work his miracles. I chose to love her by being that soft, safe spot she could land when the world fell out beneath her. That was 15 years ago and we just celebrated our 34th wedding anniversary. And please know, regardless of my story, the pain is real. It is raw. There may be no recovery. You may choose to distance yourself from the addiction and pain. Loving your spouse may mean loving them from a distance. There is no one correct answer. For those who divorce, remember that is a very valid decision in some cases. All I can ask is to step back and try to change your perspective. Don’t rush or make long-term decisions based on short-term circumstances. Our recovery took over a year and continues to this day as we learn and discover more about ourselves and that no matter where you are on the road, you are still only three feet from the ditch.

Steve just filed for divorce from his wife Stacey. The reason listed on the decree was “adultery”. They had been married for 7 years and recently Steve had discovered that Stacey had secretly been seeing an old boyfriend. His life was shattered. The pain was overwhelming. He only wanted to forget and move on with his life. Of course, no one would fault Steve for his choice. Even the Bible would justify his decision. He was free to go and marry again. Today I’d like to offer a different perspective on love and respect. During my own experience with betrayal, I had to reconcile the world's view of love and respect versus what God has revealed in His Word. I wanted the pain to go away. I wanted to punish my wife for her actions. I had the power to ruin her life like she ruined mine. The world told me she deserved it. God gave me the right to divorce her. One day at church soon after D-Day I was listening to a sermon on Ephesians 5. Some of the words struck me hard and influenced me to dig deeper. Eph 5:25 “husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”. Eph 5:33 “…wives must respect her husband”. Notice there are no “because(s)”. “I love my wife because she deserves it”. “I respect my husband because he deserves it”. There are no conditions. “I love my wife as long as she stays thin and attractive”. “I respect my husband as long as he is an elder at church”. God instructs us to love and respect “anyway”. Love her even if she is an alcoholic. Respect him even if he is addicted to pornography. Love her when she doesn’t deserve to be loved. Respect him when he doesn’t deserve to be respected. Wow. A lot different than what the world tells us about love and respect. The world tells us love and respect is conditional, that we include “because”, “if”, “when”, “only” and other conditional words in our statements. How often do we include conditional words about our spouse or even our kids? In fact for husbands it goes even further. “just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”. God asks us to love our wives even when she is the one crucifying us. Jesus did not have to die for us. He had the power to stop it. He chose not to. He chose to love those who were crucifying him and He asks us to do the same. At the time these words really impacted my view of my circumstances. I didn’t have to rush to divorce my wife. I wasn’t weak for giving her the opportunity to recover. I chose to love my wife even when she didn’t deserve it. I hope husbands here can make the same decision. My wife chose to respect me when I didn’t deserve it. I hope wives here can make the same decision.

In my years of being a part of Affair Recovery I have had the privilege of mentoring numerous groups of Men through the Harboring Hope program. One of the best parts of this program discusses the 20 Most Common Mistakes of the Betrayed Spouse. Within the groups I lead, and going through this section I have learned that I currently still hold the record for committing the highest amount of the 20 mistakes in my own recovery process. In my case I committed 18 of the 20 mistakes noted. In this 2-Part Blog I thought I would go into some details of the errors I made and some of the ramifications that occurred. First of all please remember that these are the most COMMON errors. Don’t beat yourself up over these. Recognize that a lot of spouses struggle with these, committed some (or most), and your “score” does not necessarily mean you have failed in your recovery. These are mistakes. We learn from them. We grow. And we use them to enhance our own recovery journey. This list is based on the original article “The 20 Most Common Mistakes of the Betrayed Spouse” authored by Leslie Hardie and John Haney. I would encourage you to read this article for their professional advice and insight as licensed therapists. 1. Believing that once your spouse agrees to end the affair or the behavior, it is truly ended. One of the biggest mistakes I made while my wife was deep in the affair was believing I was dealing with a rational person. My wife made all kinds of promises. One of the biggest was that “It is over”. Another was “I know I have to end it. I just need closure”. Remember that the chemical rush of the affair is similar to an opiate high. The Unfaithful spouse will say or do just about anything to keep the affair going (the chemical rush continuing). 2. Demanding that your spouse pledge 100% commitment to the marriage right at the moment of disclosure. After my first attempts at pleading with my wife to end the affair failed I tried forcing my wife to end it. I tried shame, fear, yelling and threats. None worked and in fact made things worse. My wife was looking for justifications to continue the affair. My threats reinforced her belief that I was controlling and had anger issues. 3. Bludgeoning your spouse with guilt, thinking that this will be helpful. Similar to #1. At first I believed that my wife’s conscience would win over her bad actions. We had been married for 19 years and she had never fallen off the deep end like she did during the affair. I thought the more “truth” or “shame” I heaped on her, it would break her out of the fog. It only made things worse. It just reinforced her belief that I was a horrible spouse and God “wanted her to be happy”. 4. Drawing too much security from changed phone numbers and email addresses. I had a little bit of tech savvy so I was able to track a lot of her movements and monitor her online activity. I thought that if I could stop her from communicating that she would have time to recover and break the addictions. In fact she just got smarter and got a burner phone and used work computers to communicate. 5. Believing that you can keep your mate safe and away from temptation. I was her husband. It was my job to keep her safe. She definitely was NOT being safe. She was communicating with the seedy creeps that stalk social media looking for lonely women. She really had no idea the filth and danger that was out there. She sent intimate photos to guys she didn’t even know. I tried everything to stop her from getting hurt. I tried to block email addresses and put website blocks on our internet. I tried keeping her too busy to communicate. Again she just found ways around the blocks to get her next high. 6. Trying to compete with the affair partner, pornography, or other behavior. Wow! Big one for me. I was convinced that if I hit the gym and started to act like the scum she was interacting with she may come back to me. My personality changed. I told her I was going to buy a Harley. I hate motorcycles (sorry Harley fans). Not sure why I thought I could live that lie for the rest of my life just to try and live up to her insane expectations. 7. Trashing the affair partner. All of the AP’s my wife was interacting with were scum. Most were stalkers on Facebook and MySpace. All knew she was married. A lot were drug users. About half were married. In early phases of the affairs I tried my best to convince my wife that these people were dangerous and not interested in any “relationship”. What I learned was that was what my wife was looking for at the time. No more routine or boring life for her. She actively searched for the “bad guys”. 8. Trying to convince your spouse that nobody will ever love him/her as much as you do. In the beginning of the affairs I did my best to talk sense into my spouse. Unfortunately what looked back at me was crazy. There was a shell of my wife but the actions and demeanor were of an alien. Rational discussions were not possible at the time and even our counselors suggested we stop couples counseling and work on ourselves. 9. Using your children or grandchildren as pawns. Big Mistake! In my desperation to get through to my wife I tried using the kids to break through to my wife. Even though we didn’t initially discuss the situation with the kids, they knew. They knew that their mother was checked out and doing crazy things. She actually tried to use their social media accounts so that I couldn’t find out. What a tough place to be in for kids. They loved us both and refused to pick sides. My wife at one time threatened to get a restraining order because I was “abusing” the kids. Horrible situation for them. Although I believe that any children need to have age appropriate information on what's happening, never force them into the middle. 10. Beating up the unfaithful mate with guilt, shame, or the opinions of others to keep them from leaving. While the affairs were in progress I was really struggling to live day to day. I lost 20 lbs and struggled to sleep. My work suffered. In desperation I reached out to mutual friends for support and advice. Again horrible to place our friends in the middle of our hurricane. Most were supportive and agreed that my spouse was in the wrong but they had their own lives to live and my desperation was causing them to suffer in their own families. What I really needed to figure out was that I was not allowing God into my mess. I learned later in Harboring Hope that the best thing I could do was let God work on my wife. Me trying to control and force the issue was only making things worse. Thank you for joining me here in Part 1 and reviewing the first 10 of the 20 mistakes. In part 2 I will go into the other 10 mistakes and reveal the only 2 that I didn’t commit.

A man’s self-image is important. The world teaches us that men are supposed to be strong, courageous, wise, and unemotional. I was a “man”....    I was a husband, a father, a provider. I was “tough”... When the world hit me I hit back.  When I was in pain I rubbed dirt in the wound and got back on the field. I didn't have any need for emotions (except anger). I was in control. I was respected and wise. Or at least I thought I was. Then D-day hit. I cried for days. I lost 20 lbs in a month, threw up more times than I can remember. I was dazed. All I wanted was for the pain to go away. I was a complete basket case and the furthest thing from a “man” that I could imagine. I was facing a complete identity crisis. How could I reconcile my beliefs of what a man is with my current beliefs and behaviors? Was I just a weak, emotional, wimp? How could I call myself wise when my wife was cheating on me? It took me quite a while to work my way through the confusion I was feeling and come to an understanding of the flaws in my thinking. I had a couple of resources that helped me work through my mess. The most valuable for me turned out to be a very famous person in the Bible. Psalm 23 (1-6) New International Version (NIV) A psalm of David. 1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.  He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. 5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. This beautiful and famous Psalm was written by a man named David, King David that is. A man who faced down and defeated the giant Goliath with a sling and stone while the rest of the army cowered in fear. A man who led and won multiple battles. The most powerful man in the land at the time. He was strong and he was wise. In fact, God describes David as “a man after God’s own heart”.  Everything you would expect of a man. In addition he was a wonderful poet who wrote Psalms 23, A Psalm of praise and rejoicing. Is there any man in the world who wouldn’t want to be like King David? I don’t think so. But as we TURN the page we find: Psalm 22 (1-8) New International Version (NIV) For the director of music. To the tune of “The Doe of the Morning.” A psalm of David. 1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish? My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest. 3 Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One you are the one Israel praises. In you our ancestors put their trust; they trusted and you delivered them. To you they cried out and were saved; in you they trusted and were not put to shame. 6 But I am a worm and not a man, scorned by everyone, despised by the people. All who see me mock me; they hurl insults, shaking their heads. “He trusts in the Lord,” they say, “let the Lord rescue him. Let him deliver him, since he delights in him.” WOW! Can this be the same King David? He’s sad, and afraid and uncertain. He calls himself a worm. This revelation led me on a path of discovery of what God says a man should be and also how a Godly man should react to adversity or pain. God has shown us that we don’t have to be the angry, controlling, unemotional man the world says we should be. It’s okay to have times of pain and adversity. It’s okay to be emotional. It’s okay to be afraid. Men, as you face the difficult struggle of infidelity please know that whatever reaction you have is normal. Please take the time to react and process in a healthy manner and not be constrained by what we think a “man” should do. Don’t let your pride hinder you from the healing you deserve, be humble like David and experience hope, healing, and true manhood.

I grew up in a very broken family. My parents divorced when I was around two years old and I never really knew my biological father. My mother was an alcoholic who drank and smoked her life away. We were very poor, I remember a time when the only thing we had in the cupboard was half of a jar of peanut butter. My mother was married before and I have 3 half-brothers from 2 different fathers. I never had a father figure in my life. None of the fathers stuck around. In the toughest times we boys, were passed around to relatives that could take care of us. After high school, I entered the Army. After my training, I returned home to find my mother had moved. No forwarding address. I was on my own. Needless to say, my childhood was rough. But, I’m happy to say I survived. I worked hard, received the right help, and broke free from my past. Nevertheless, there are scars from my many battles. From my perspective God had let me down. Where was the caring, loving “father” that I needed and had heard so much about? “Suffer the little children, and forbid them not to come unto me” was a scripture I remembered reading often times. I came to him alright, and in my mind found nothing but pain and abandonment. From that point on I was on my own. I would make my own success. No one would hurt me or abandon me again. I didn’t need God. I had myself and I could change my future and my past. My family would never have to face the childhood I had. I would insure things were better. I was in control. When I was 18 I met my wife to be. She was 15 at the time. I was amazed at the attention she gave me. That felt really good to me at the time. For the next few years this wonderful woman pursued me. Relentlessly, I might add. Even in the times when I tried to run away she kept after me. I was completely confused and totally in love. Why did she care for me? Behind the scenes, I felt worthless. I didn’t feel smart or the least bit handsome. I didn’t have money or prestige. I remember how scared I was that she would leave. For the first time I felt happiness in my life. I couldn’t let that go. Looking back, I now see that whole struggle to never be without her was my journey into co-dependency. From that point forward my focus was keeping her with me at any cost. We married young. I was 21 and she was 19. We were incredibly naïve and unprepared. In my mind, marriage was a way to further cement our relationship. The piece of paper was an additional control in my life to cover the fear of her leaving me. I worked and worked to keep my wife happy. The more money I could make the more happiness I could buy for her. If I could keep her happy she wouldn’t leave. 80-90 hour work weeks, no problem at all. Whatever it takes to preserve this happy family. I paid for her vacations. Without me. She wanted a house. No problem. I’ll work even more hours. I would do absolutely anything to keep her with me. Over the years we had 3 girls. I loved them with every fiber of my being. There was no way in hell that they would have to live a childhood like I had. Not on my watch. I would do whatever it took to make them happy. More hours. More control. More madness. I missed most of the early years of my two oldest children. I worked and they went to Disneyland. They had dance recitals and I was working out of town. That was okay. They were happy and when they were happy, it was safe to assume they wouldn’t leave me. And then it all came apart. Over the years I had turned into an angry, controlling, scared, pathetic man. My wife started to drift away. I became more controlling and angry. She ran further; right into the embrace of other men. It started as an emotional affair on social media. Later it turned to physical affairs. I found out eventually and my world exploded. All the work, all the control, all the manipulation had accomplished nothing. I was looking at losing my wife of 19 years along with my children. I was also looking at financial ruin. I was scared and I had nowhere to turn. My wife and I separated and prepared for divorce. One night while alone in my dingy apartment I was lying on the floor, sobbing. I had failed. I could not go on any longer. I knew where the gun was. With nowhere else to turn. At the bottom of my rope I reached the only direction I could at the time. Up. I prayed to God that night for the first time in what felt like my own eternity. “God if you are there I need you to help me now.” I fell asleep and woke the next morning. Call it a miracle. Call it whatever you want. I had a new clarity of my life and what I needed to do. God had given me a specific roadmap to my own recovery. I knew then that I needed to rely on the only thing that wouldn’t fail me. That was in fact, God and his protocol for my recovery. He was a rock I could anchor to. Without him as my core belief system, nothing would satisfy me anyway. I was happy to say my chain of command had been completely reset. God was number one. Anything I did from then on would be at his will and mercy. I’m a different person today. Stronger, far more complete. Not perfect. And no, I certainly haven’t ‘arrived’ as they say. Fulfilled? Absolutely. My marriage was reborn from the ashes and we’ve just celebrated our 28th anniversary in March 2017.

Sex and intimacy are such big topics and it seems all couples struggle with one or both in some way. Couples that say they don’t struggle in either area are either the rare exception or more likely, they are not giving you the full story.  My wife and I always struggled with sex, me wanting it all the time, her not so much. She has always struggled with enjoying sex. She can never seem to relax enough to get any enjoyment. In fact, our sex struggle was one of the reasons for her affair. She thought that maybe she had just married the wrong guy and that maybe sex with someone else would be better. It wasn't. In fact, she said it was a disaster. To be truthful I thought that after the affair and our recovery process, my wife was going to turn into the sexual companion I always wanted. That didn't happen either. It was in fact, quite a disappointment at first. I received some wise words from a trusted counselor when I told them I wanted to have a better sexual relationship and if I didn't get it I would leave. The counselor asked me "What if this is as good as it gets?" She went on and asked was it wise for me to expect my wife to completely change in this area. She had always struggled, why would I think it would all change overnight? It made me really sit down and think and look at the struggle from all angles.  We didn't have a perfect sex life but it wasn't horrible. At least we had a sex life when lots of couples I know of, just plain don't. I had a wife that who was trying and working at improving our sex life!  She wasn’t just giving up. It wasn't the 100% I wanted but I was getting probably 80%. Was it fair to expect the 100%? I finally came to the realization that I needed to adjust my expectations and stop asking for perfection. Now my story, of course, is just mine. Everyone has different circumstances but I would suggest you give your relationship the time required to stabilize. Normal timelines are roughly 18-24 months of good solid recovery work. If you try and duct tape it, it could be much longer.  Perhaps, if you obtain the best help possible as soon as you can, it may even be shorter.  After that, you will have to take a close look and see if you can live with the new person and marriage post recovery. Remember, you have the power to choose to stay or go.  All I can ask is that you give it time and try and be realistic in your expectations. What you’re probably feeling right now, this instant, is probably not what you’re going to feel in six weeks or six months, if you take the appropriate action.  80% is pretty good in the grand scheme of things.

Yes? Congratulations!! Bet you didn’t expect that statement after revealing what felt like your spouse tearing your heart out of your chest and stomping on it, did you? I remember back to D-Day, the devastation, the uncertainty, and the pain. I remember vomiting until there was nothing left to vomit. I remember the hopelessness. I remember the suicidal thoughts. I remember the advice and guidance. God told me to forgive. My friends told me to dump the skank and go get laid. My parents told me to protect the children. My pastor told me to pray. My lawyer told me to preserve evidence. My heart told me to stay. My mind told me to run. I had no idea what to do or where to go. It was hell for a while. I was making all the decisions based on what others thought I should do. I was making future decisions based on the past or even worse, I was making decisions based on what I thought my new future would be. Believe it or not, I convinced myself I was going to end up alone and abandoned, eating TV dinners in a Barcalounger. A little later in my recovery, I had a breakthrough. I was in control! I had all the power! I could choose. Seems strange but the more I thought through it the more it made sense.  I had every reason to leave and I had every reason to stay. I had a free pass either way. God wouldn’t judge me for leaving. My family and friends all had ulterior motives to their advice. It really was all my decision and no matter what I chose I was right. I was going to be okay no matter what I chose. A huge burden was lifted from my shoulders when I had the revelation that I was free to make the decision to stay or go with a clear mind and no expectations. If I stayed it would be because I wanted to stay. If I left it would be because I wanted to leave. Both were okay. Both were right. This freedom was an enormous help in figuring out what the right decision was for me and it also allowed me to continue to make the right decisions. If you are in a similar situation trying to make the right choices, feeling overwhelmed, please know that you have the power to choose to stay or leave and no matter what you choose you will be okay.

Something occurred at work today that took me back to memories of life just after Dday.  I was a basket case for a while. Even after the worst of it I was still very much buried in the weeds of the jungle that is recovery. It was almost impossible to see anything but the weeds. I started making decisions based on being in the weeds.  Some days I would decide I was done, only to decide shortly thereafter I was ready to fight, then later that day or the next it would hit the fan and I would decide I was again done and around it would again go. Some days I wanted my wife dead other days I wanted to save her. It felt like I was stuck on an awful rollercoaster from hell. If I would have continued on that rollercoaster I can honestly say I wouldn't be here today. I received some great advice as to getting off of that roller coaster. I desperately needed to find a way to rise above the weeds and see the bigger picture. The advice I was given was to set a date in the future. I had to stop making long-term decisions based on short-term situations. I was told to set a date in the future far out enough to be able to see the trend, but not so far as to be codependent. After I set that date, I was told not to make any long-term decisions concerning myself, my wife, our marriage or family until after that date. In my case, I chose a year (through prayer and advice from mentors). I would not make any long-term decisions for a year. At the year mark, I would re-evaluate my situation. With the pressure of the decisions off my shoulders, I was free to concentrate on me and my recovery and let God work on my wife. Through the year we slowly, and sometimes agonizingly, moved towards recovery. At the year mark, we weren't "recovered”, we still had a ways to go, but I could see that we were trending positive. I could look back and see the footprints heading in the right direction. I decided at that point I was in for the long haul unless there were extreme circumstances. In the HH book, this is termed learning to love limbo. For everyone stuck in the chaos, I urge you to pull yourself out of the weeds. Release the burden of the daily decision and concentrate on your recovery. My wife and I had been together for 19 years when it blew up. I felt one year was a sacrifice I was willing to make for my family. I could only hope that my wife felt the same. Today we are 8 years past Dday and celebrated our 27th anniversary in March of 2016. I’m very happy that we gave recovery the time and the work required. Our family deserved it.  

I had a rough childhood. I grew up in a broken family and we were always very poor.  My mother was married multiple times and had children with all of them. The guys were never good role models. I spent many years living with relatives when my mother could no longer take care of us. There was a time we actually lived in a house with no running water and an outhouse. I remember a day when the only thing we had to eat in the house was a half a jar of peanut butter.  Not the best of times for a child. When I was about 9 I came down with acute appendicitis.  I was rushed to the doctor and sent for emergency surgery. I remember waking up after the surgery and I was in intense pain. The surgery site was still very sore and every time I moved or coughed it was agony.  Even today 30+ years later I still remember the pain of that event.  In 2008 my wife had an affair. Intense pain and trauma. I was a basket case for about a year. Lost 30 pounds. Intense triggers, sadness, apathy, rage. I remember thinking how can things ever get better? Will my life be all about pain? What do all the events have in common? They are all traumas I have faced in my life. At the time all seemed overwhelming. For others it may be a loss of a family member, a physical trauma or financial ruin. All of these traumas require a recovery journey and not all journeys are the same. The pain of my childhood or the trauma of being betrayed will always be in my life. They will never magically disappear. Today 30+ years after my surgery if I move in just the right way I can feel the scar on my side. Its not painful. It doesn’t overwhelm me. It’s just a reminder of the past. Today I can look back and smile at the Matchbox plane I got as a gift after the surgery. Today 8 years after the betrayal I occasionally will get a minor trigger. They are no longer overwhelming. They are now, mere reminders of something that was devastating and happened in my past. Yet, I’m on the other side of it, healed and restored. I can now look back at the traumas in my life, especially infidelity and use the experiences to grow and learn. I eventually chose to take the traumas and reach out to others who were struggling. Now, I find I’m able to comfort those who are currently struggling and provide not only empathy but understanding.  I’ve let the traumas mold me into a better Christian and husband and father. I learned more about myself through the trauma than I ever did in the good times. Today I can say without a doubt I’m better off individually than I ever have been. I am grateful that my marriage was indeed restored and it’s better than ever.  For many, that’s not the case, but personal healing is still possible.     But you know what? I still get sad when I see a movie legitimizing affairs. I still get sad when I see children growing up in broken families. I still can visit the sadness internally and remember the pain, the hurt and the hopelessness.  We always have a choice how WE respond to the traumas that visit our lives.  Recovery is a journey, not an event.

One reason why people cheat is what I like to call “conscience searing”. Here is an example: Bob and Cindy Bob and Cindy had great childhoods. They grew up in loving families with strong religious and moral backgrounds.  Neither of them got into any serious trouble and both excelled at school. They met each other in college. They grew closer through the college years and before they knew it Bob had popped the question to Cindy. A joyful wedding and a wonderful honeymoon followed. They were madly in love and nothing would ever come between them. Things were good in the early years. They were best friends. Their sex life was exciting and satisfying. They had great jobs and great friends. After a few years it was time to start a family. The decision was made for Cindy to stay home and care for the children while Bob continued his career and supported the family financially. Bob took on more responsibility at his job to bridge the financial gaps. Cindy settled into the motherhood role. Nine months later they welcome their first child into the world. What a life changer this moment is. No longer does the world revolve around the two of them. No longer is life spontaneous and care free. Bob and Cindy roll up their sleeves and move forward into the new chapter of their lives with smiles just a little smaller than before. Then one Friday afternoon Bob is called into his boss’s office. A reduction in force has eliminated his position. Uncertainty and conflict enter their lives. Work is scarce and they blow through their savings and 401k to survive. Tension mounts. Disagreements grow worse. Bob withdraws. Cindy hounds. Finally after 6 months a position opens up. It pays less than before and requires more travel but it will pay the bills. Bob jumps at the chance. Things are tougher now. The honeymoon is over. Cindy notices how Bob is messy and always is hounding her for sex. Bob notices how Cindy never lost all the weight after the baby.  Bob Bob travels to Boston twice a month for work. He normally travels with Lisa his assistant. Lisa really looks up to Bob and is young and fit. They spend a lot of time together and discuss work and life frequently. Over the months their talks slowly turn to relationship issues. Bob feels that Lisa understands him more than his wife. Lisa “respects” Bob more than Cindy does. Bob has fun with Lisa and enjoys the chemical rush of being near her. Their talks turn to flirting. Bob feels his wife doesn’t understand him. Cindy never made him feel like Lisa does. Lisa admires Bob. She always says the right thing and when she touches his arm the sparks fly. Bob deserves to be admired doesn’t he? He deserves to be wanted and desired doesn’t he? Soon the flirting turns to touching and kissing. Lisa responds to Bob’s advances. There are no kids to worry about or nagging wives. Cindy never met Bob’s sexual needs and doesn’t Bob deserve to have his sexual needs met? One night after too many drinks Bob and Lisa end up in bed together. The sex is incredible. The best he has ever had. Cindy has never satisfied him like Lisa does. Doesn’t Bob deserve better? Bob can’t stop now. He has the best of both worlds. Cindy will never know…. Cindy Cindy is lonely. Bob is away on business trips half of each month. Even when Bob is home he is distant and pre-occupied. Cindy craves the attention and affection she used to get from Bob. She turns to the internet to fill the empty hours. Then one day Steve sends her a message on Facebook. Steve is an old boyfriend of Cindy. Their relationship ended badly. Cindy always wondered “what if?” Cindy starts innocently texting and chatting with Steve. They discuss old times and their current lives. The innocent discussions turn to complaints about their current relationships and spouses. Steve asks if Bob is treating Cindy well. Cindy answers honestly no. They both discuss what could have been if their lives were different. What they would have done is they could start over. Slowly the text and emails turn to flirting. Cindy asks herself if she is in love with Bob anymore.  The feelings are gone. If you love someone doesn’t there have to be feelings? Maybe she made a mistake. Steve pours on the pressure and affection. Cindy decides she hasn’t loved Bob for years. She has been pretending for the sake of the kids. One day, after a big fight over the phone with Bob, Cindy finds herself at a hotel in bed with Steve. The feelings she has are overwhelming. It has to be right. Cindy decides she never really loved Bob. She felt sorry for him and married him only because there was no one better at the time. Bob is a pervert and abuses Cindy and the children. God wouldn’t expect Cindy to stay with a monster like Bob would He? God wants Cindy to be happy right? Does anyone see how the two affairs developed? Why do people cheat? Bob and Cindy are not psychopaths.  They didn’t go looking for an affair. They didn’t wake up one morning and decide to destroy their family and spouse. What really happened was “conscience searing. A series of small, seemingly innocent, decisions that pile up to become huge issues. What seems incomprehensible to newlyweds can suddenly look “justified” later on. The affair is justified by tearing down the partner. Shame is covered by false accusations and justifications. The conscience is seared until they truly believe it’s okay to have an affair. That God will bless their awful decisions.  It’s okay to destroy the person you once loved more than anything in the world. Please be watchful for the small signs, the small indiscretions. Build barriers around your marriage to stop the outside influences from invading. Stay in touch, physically and mentally, with your spouse. Don’t ignore the warning signs. Both of these affairs could have been stopped cold at numerous points. Don’t let “conscience searing”  destroy your marriage.

5..4..3..2..1….  Fire At 12:15 am Friday June 18, 2010 Ronnie Lee Gardner was executed by firing squad at the Utah State Prison in Draper, Utah for the murder of an attorney 25 years before.  Although it’s always a tragedy when capital punishment is required very few people disagree with the ultimate consequences of Mr. Gardner’s actions. In reading the news reports years ago, I was led to think about the times in my life when I faced serious consequences for my poor decisions.  Most of them were caused by my failure to keep my priorities in correct order. The consequences I receive are in most cases caused by my failure to prioritize correctly. As humans we are faced with the reality that if left to our own devices we will screw up our lives almost every time. It’s easy for us to become lost and confused and change our priorities. God Spouse Children/Family Friends Poor and Needy Me Whenever I find myself moving up the list I know my priorities are off.  Whenever I put my wife above God I know my priorities are off. Whenever I put my friend’s needs above my family’s needs my priorities are off. Sooner or later my priorities will need to be reset. For those of us with a Christian faith background, God uses scripture and people to remind us to reset our boundaries. When we are taking the time to read the Bible and stay plugged into our Christian community we normally can keep our priorities correct. Unfortunately a lot of us don’t follow this road and we find ourselves in need of a “Reset”. In the first 19 years of my marriage I slowly allowed my priorities to get mixed up. I moved “Me” to the top in most cases and at other times my “Spouse” was at the top. Most of the time “God” was near the bottom. My feeble attempts to reset my priorities by myself were unsuccessful and in May 2008 my marriage exploded. I was experiencing a “Reset” I am convinced situations and trials in our lives give us the opportunity to “Reset”. When we allow ourselves to get so far off track that we can’t find our way back these situations will hopefully cause us to seriously reevaluate our priorities. At the lowest time in my life, when God felt the furthest away from me, I experienced the “God Reset”.  I was forced to either put my priorities back in order or suffer the consequences. I chose to “Reset” my priorities, turn away from the cliff and return to my relationship with Christ, who for me, has to be first.

When going into battle you know that you need to prepare. You wear a helmet and armor. You have weapons and shields. You have a battle plan and fallback instructions. You have team mates who will stand at your side. First aid is standing by. You have a train of people providing support and encouragement. Marriage is a battle. We are faced with enemies and temptations on all sides. Pornography. Apathy. Easy divorce. Facebook. The media. We could go on and on. On the other hand, the world would have us believe that marriage is 2 against the world; all romantic balconies in scenic locations. Heart fluttering, breathtaking, sweep you off your feet “lurve”. The enemy wants us to wing it and to follow our feelings. He wants you to believe the lies of the world. He wants you to believe all you need is each other. He wants us to believe that pornography “enhances” a marriage. He wants us to believe that your “happiness” is what matters. Interesting how God’s view of marriage and worlds are completely opposite. God’s plan focuses on eternal joy versus the immediate and temporary happiness of the world. We can look at the world around us and see how morals and the family unit have eroded and continue to be minimized. I don’t think marriage always needs to be a battlefield. There is peace and joy and fun. It’s important that we remember though to be prepared at all times for the battles we will face. Don’t “wing it”. Fight hard for your marriage and your spouse. Build the hedges that will shield you from the temptations. Assemble a support system that can help. Fight for what is really true.

Most everyone is familiar with “Survivor,” a reality show where 20 men and women try to “outwit, outlast, and outplay” each other. This is done by physical ability, intelligence, and sometimes by deception and deceit. In other words one of the ways to succeed is to be “evil”. The latest season ended last Sunday and of the last 3 contestants, one used every “evil” tactic possible to get to the finals. In the final vote the contestants got to choose who they think was best at “outwitting, outlasting and outplaying” the other finalists. The “evil” player was chosen in last place due to his tactics and strategy. The winner was chosen because she was “less evil” than the other finalists. All the jury members had been affected directly by the “evil” tactics and strategy. In the same finale a nationwide poll was taken of who the viewers thought should win the game. Overwhelmingly the choice was the “evil” player. This got me thinking about how we perceive and react to “evil” or immoral acts. When we are directly affected by them, we tend to react accordingly but when we just view them from afar the “evil” doesn’t seem quite as wrong. When we are directly affected by adultery or immorality, we react appropriately, but when we just observe adultery or other immorality on TV or from afar it seems less offensive and even almost acceptable. I think we need to be on guard for what is happening with the state of today’s morals. America should be ashamed of accepting or even applauding “evil” as good.

Jim’s son Bobby just spilled chocolate milk on the carpet. Jim just cleaned the carpets last week. Jim is very upset. He loses his cool and yells and screams at Bobby. Bobby cowers in fear from his dad. Later Jim justifies his actions by saying “I have a temper” “I’m just like that”. Suzie is scheduled to meet her friends at church at 10:00 am. At 9:55 Suzie is still putting her makeup on. Suzie shows up 10 minutes late. Her friends know Suzie is always late and are starting to get upset about her lack of consideration. Suzie says “I lost track of time” “I’m just like that”. Bob has been married to Brenda for 11 years. Their sex lives have cooled since the honeymoon period. Brenda doesn’t have as much interest in sex since Bob started looking at pornography. Even knowing how much it hurts Brenda, Bob still continues to view porn and masturbate. Bob justifies his addiction and bad behavior by saying “I have a high sex drive” “I’m just like that”. Barbara spends hours each day chatting online with guys from her online game and old boyfriends on Facebook. She flirts mercilessly and gets a real physical thrill from the sexual attention she receives in return. Steve, her husband, is embarrassed and humiliated by Barbara’s actions. He has asked her to stop but Barbara justifies her bad behavior by saying “It’s just harmless flirting” “I’m just like that”. Did any of these scenarios hit close to home for anyone? I know they did for me. These dangerous, uncaring actions are reported in a majority of marriages and families in this country. Our selfish, worldly views have convinced us that only our thoughts, feelings and emotions matter. Our goal in marriage and life is to make “me” feel good and be “happy”. It’s too bad if our actions or words hurt others. Only “I” matter. So many times we justify these actions with the words “I’m just like that”. Temper, inconsideration, addictions and even infidelity are swept under the rug with these words. Unfortunately the reality is much worse. The pain is still there. The damage is still there. The cancer is not cured. Rick Reynolds, the founder of Affair Recovery, likes to say that all of us are “human wrecking balls”. We can do horrible things to those we love when we become selfish and repeat the lie “I’m just like that”. You aren’t “just like that”. You were born moral and good. You were raised to care for others and to put others needs above your own. Don’t let the world change who you really are.