John Edwards, Top Five Ways to Move Forward

How does John Edwards move forward after all that’s happened. If he and Mrs. Edwards are anything like Steph and I then they just want it to blow over so they can get on with their lives and think about something else and I hope that happens. So here are the top five things John and Elizabeth could do in order to get their lives back.

Number Five: Stop with the secrets.

Every time Elizabeth finds out about another lie the recovery clock starts over. It’s difficult enough for the hurt spouse to get their mind around what has happened and how to process the feeling generated by the betrayal, but if each time they begin to feel safe, they are cut off at the knees by another revelation then trust is almost impossible. John has got to be consistent and follow through with his commitments if he’s ever going to win her trust.

Number Four: Answer All Her Questions.

In order for Elizabeth to move forward she has to understand what happened. Not all the gory detail, but at least a framework of what took place. Until that task is complete there will always be a part of her trying to solve the puzzle of what happened and until that puzzle is complete, she’ll never fully put it behind her.

As for John’s personal journey back, that honesty will also set him free and help dissipate his shame and fear. You can never be loved unconditionally as long as you only conditionally let others know who you are. Elizabeth sounds like the kind of woman who can handle the truth so if he hasn’t told her everything he needs to lay his soul bare and let her make her own decision to love him.

To move forward Mr. Edwards needs, within reason, to answer the questions of the press. What scripture says in regards to “the truth will set you free” is absolutely true. Admittedly some may judge, but as they say, “if you spot it you got it” and those who judge are the ones most pitied because they’ll never experience unconditional love since relationship to them are based on performance.

Number Three: Walk a mile in Her Shoes:

Elizabeth also needs to feel John gets it. There seems to be an unconscious part in all of us which needs to feel understood and until Elizabeth feels Mr. John Edward gets it then there will be a part of her that wants to continue helping him get it.

In John’s defense I must say his confession was well stated. There was no defensiveness or rationalization. He just owned it and expressed grief over what his actions had cost his family as well as his friends and supporters. In many ways that is one of the quickest ways to move forward because you avoid spending all the time necessary to overcome your personal denial. It’s far better to just own it and begin to move forward.

Number Two: Stay in the Moment

When failure happens and loyalty bonds are shattered it’s difficult to have a positive vision of the future with that person. There’s a good chance the dreams of old age together are replaced with fear and doubt. Even worse if failure has happened twice then the unsettling question of “how can I ever know you’re not lying” seems to run rampant.

I personally believe I have a God who will give me all the grace I need to handle any situation, but he won’t give me the grace I need until I need it. Which means anytime I go jumping time zones and start living in the future I leave the grace of God and am left to struggle with whatever situation I’m imagining on my own which is intolerable.

If I want to “Move Forward” I have to stay in the moment and let the future come to me rather than my jumping into the future. Failure to stay in the moment will allow the fear to anchor me to the pain of the betrayal. Staying in the moment however allows me to drift with time away from the event. It’s not true that time heals all wounds rather it’s how we use the time that counts.

And the Number One Way To Move Forward: FORGIVE

That one may be far more difficult than it seems, but it may be the most important. Failure to forgive leaves you forever a victim, trapped by the need to make the other person suffer or it leaves you trapped in shame and guilt. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself that sets you free from the pain of the hurtful actions of others or from your own personal failure.

If John and Elizabeth Edwards want to move forward then She has to forgive him and he has forgive him. John’s responses to this failure will be the determining factor of what happens from here. If he remains soft and non-defensive and stops the deceit then they can heal, but if he becomes defensive and continues in the behavior they may not.

Rick Reynolds LCSW is the founder of the Affair Recovery Center (affairrecovery.com). He has specialized in the treatment of infidelity for over 25 years. He and Stephanie, his bride of 30 year, live in Austin Texas