Do you think your mate has been unfaithful? If your goal is to find out what happened in order to determine what you want to do, then don’t make a bad situation worse by how you confront them after a betrayal. Even though saving your marriage might not be something you're interested in, depending on what happens, healing after an affair is crucial and you might change. Here are six tips for confronting your mate:
1) Do your homework:
First, gather as much information as possible to verify your suspicions. Intuition about betrayal can be wrong. If you make accusations before gathering proof, they will begin covering their tracks, and proof of their infidelity may be more difficult to find.
2) Pick the right time:
Confronting someone in a situation where they will be embarrassed or harmed professionally (such as at work or in front of the children) won’t be productive for a good outcome. Find a time where the two of you can have an adult conversation.
3) Be in the right frame of mind:
Be mature. You want this to be a rational conversation, not an emotional conversation. Refrain from hurling insults and name calling. As hurt as you may be after betrayal, if you’re looking for answers, then try to remain calm. It may seem backwards, but you want your mate to trust you when sharing in order for them to feel safe enough to give you the information. If you are out of control- why would they want to make things worse by telling you what’s going on? This is key in hopes of healing after an affair.
4) Rehearse what you are going to say:
This is highly emotional, and being able to clearly communicate your message in a matter of fact way will surprise your mate and catch them off guard. If you successfully approach them in a rational manner they will be far more likely to respond to you in kind. As difficult as this may sound, if you maintain an attitude of concern for them they will be more likely to honestly engage with you.
5) Keep the end in mind:
To keep your wits about you, keep reminding yourself of the end in mind. Many times life after infidelity involves your mate denying or minimizing what’s going on. They may also tell you that you’re crazy and need to get help. Don’t get defensive and let them make it about you. The betrayal isn’t your fault. Keep reminding yourself that this is about giving them a chance to tell you what’s going on, not about proving what you know through your discovery or who’s at fault.
6) Listen to what they have to say:
You’ll learn far more by not talking and listening to what they say than you will by telling them what they are doing and what they’re thinking. Tell them you’re giving them a chance to come clean. Let them know if they want to have any chance of being in relationship with you they will have to be totally honest. For more guidelines for discovery go to our discovery articles
Life after infidelity and healing after an affair is possible, and know that rationally confronting your mate is a great first step.
What things did you do well or not so well when confronting your spouse?