Do you think your mate has been unfaithful? If your goal is to find out what happened in order to determine what you want to do, then don’t make a bad situation worse by how you confront them after a betrayal. Even though saving your marriage might not be something you're interested in, depending on what happens, healing after an affair is crucial and you might change. Here are six tips for confronting your mate:
1) Do your homework:
First, gather as much information as possible to verify your suspicions. Intuition about betrayal can be wrong. If you make accusations before gathering proof, they will begin covering their tracks, and proof of their infidelity may be more difficult to find.
2) Pick the right time:
Confronting someone in a situation where they will be embarrassed or harmed professionally (such as at work or in front of the children) won’t be productive for a good outcome. Find a time where the two of you can have an adult conversation.
3) Be in the right frame of mind:
Be mature. You want this to be a rational conversation, not an emotional conversation. Refrain from hurling insults and name calling. As hurt as you may be after betrayal, if you’re looking for answers, then try to remain calm. It may seem backwards, but you want your mate to trust you when sharing in order for them to feel safe enough to give you the information. If you are out of control- why would they want to make things worse by telling you what’s going on? This is key in hopes of healing after an affair.
4) Rehearse what you are going to say:
This is highly emotional, and being able to clearly communicate your message in a matter of fact way will surprise your mate and catch them off guard. If you successfully approach them in a rational manner they will be far more likely to respond to you in kind. As difficult as this may sound, if you maintain an attitude of concern for them they will be more likely to honestly engage with you.
5) Keep the end in mind:
To keep your wits about you, keep reminding yourself of the end in mind. Many times life after infidelity involves your mate denying or minimizing what’s going on. They may also tell you that you’re crazy and need to get help. Don’t get defensive and let them make it about you. The betrayal isn’t your fault. Keep reminding yourself that this is about giving them a chance to tell you what’s going on, not about proving what you know through your discovery or who’s at fault.
6) Listen to what they have to say:
You’ll learn far more by not talking and listening to what they say than you will by telling them what they are doing and what they’re thinking. Tell them you’re giving them a chance to come clean. Let them know if they want to have any chance of being in relationship with you they will have to be totally honest. For more guidelines for discovery go to our
discovery articles.
Life after infidelity and healing after an affair is possible, and know that rationally confronting your mate is a great first step.
What things did you do well or not so well when confronting your spouse?
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Comments
Unsure About Future
I confronted my husband before discovering Affair Recovery or reading this article. I did have all of the information confirmed (texts, phone calls), but he still lied to me. Not until I presented with the evidence in black and white did he admit to the affair. The mistake I made was to allow my anger and sense of betrayal to cause me make him leave our home. I was devastated by his lack of remorse continued lies. It's been 3 weeks since my discovery and locking him out of our home with his clothes in trash bags on the front porch. I'm determined to move forward with getting the help I need to recover emotionally, spiritually and to heal. I don't know what the future holds for my marriage. My husband and I have met 2 times to talk about the infidelity and it has helped me to gain some perspective. However, he doesn't understand why it's important for my healing to answer questions about his affair partner and their relationship. I believe he is also struggling with his own emotional issues and has met with a therapist to get help. It's difficult to navigate the road to recovery when so many things are so uncertain. I strongly believe he has connections with other women, but he refuses to be honest about them. How can I ever get healthy without knowing the full truth? How can I make decisions about our future, or the possibility of a future, if he's still harboring secrets?
Not sure
January 29....find out he has been leading double life of smack talking, massive fantasizing, etc. married 3 years ago. I have a strong sense he has been unfaithful. He has let a couple things slip. He told me there were sparks with a neighbor, but nothing happened. How do I know for sure? I am trying to get evidence. This is tearing me apart inside....any suggestions?
Confronting spouse
The thing I did well was I had my brother keep my children each time I wanted to confront him about the affair. I only had to confront a couple of times because I got explicit proof (e-mails, texts, phone records). I gave him several opportunities to come clean. I explained very clearly it was not going to be a safe haven at home if he continued to lie to me. He like many other betrayers did not tell the truth.
What I didn't do well at was handling the truth and details of the affair. Unfortunately, I would get so angry at him I would slap his face and any other imaginable physical abusive thing that I felt in my rage.
The bad part was I couldn't believe that I had so much rage inside of me. It's like something I have never felt in my whole life. He never touched me back, how he kept from doing that I'll never know.
I have managed to completely keep it from our children which are small 9 and 5. I never wanted them to have thoughts that were negative about their father. My daughter is so close to me I knew this could be very damaging.
I'm sure most people reading this might have a hard time believing I am saved but I tell you that God protected my children from knowing what was going on. Every time I would go into a rage they would be asleep. They never woke up one time, so I know he was there protecting them.
I am happy to say that a year and 4 months later with a lot of counseling and a husband that let me use him as a punching bag:( that I am healing quite well. The grief I use to feel that was so gripping and gut wrenching I rarely feel anymore. Also, the constant obsession of the sexual acts use to live in my mind almost 24 hours a day does not play over and over again. It's more on a rare occasion that I might think about it. There is hope to all of you out there that think it won't go away. It can and will. Just keep hanging in there and don't give up.
My husband had been lying to
My husband had been lying to me for years. I confronted him 5 or 6 times. Every time I was calm and offered him the chance to be truthful. Even when I had rock solid evidence he lied. It was not until I threw the phone at his head did he decide it was time to admit the affair. Still he lied about every thing from when it started to where it happened. Every detail I learned by digging through his personal things. He had gotten so comfortable lying to me it was not until I was violent did the truth come out.
Confronting your spouse
I followed these steps exactly. The problem was he flat out lied to my face and said "No nothing is going on" I specifically said, "I have these thoughts/suspensions because....I am giving you the opportunity to tell me. If you tell me no then I will believe you because you have never given me any other reason why i shouldn't trust you" Still he said; Nothing was going on.
So when the truth did come out, because he was caught by her husband, it hurt even more because he had lied to my face.
We are trying to work on our marriage. I think it depends on what all has to be revealed. If it is just an affair; these steps may work. But if your husband has something more, such as a sexual addiction, he has learned to always lie his way out of any situation.
Confronting Your Spouse
I could not believe (and still can't believe) the audacity that my husband showed when he continually lied to my face when I asked him point blank if he was fooling around. He looked me straight in the eye and emphatically said , "I've never had sex with anyone else, I promise you, nothing has ever happened." Since I didn't have any hard proof, I felt that I had to accept his word and hope for the best. Over the years, several incidences happened that led me to believe he wasn't being faithful. Each time he explained them away. He said that he enjoyed flirting but it was nothing more. When I confronted him about inappropriate text messages, he promised he would not do it again. I asked how I can be sure. He replied, "Because I saw the hurt look in your eyes and I never want to put you through that again." He continually manipulated me. Finally, I felt it was necessary to search his car. I found a receipt for a hotel here in town for a night when he told me he was out of town on business. Sure enough, he was with another woman. We are in counseling now but I'm really not sure how this will turn out. If I could go back in time I would do things differently. I would have insisted that he take a lie detector test. If he refused, then I would have my answer and would not have invested so many years in a marriage I now feel is a sham.
Better Have Incontrovertible Proof
My wife lied to me for almost a year before I finally found by accident letters describing how great their sex was.
I found out a year ago my
I found out a year ago my wife was unfaithful to me saying she fell "in love" with another man and out of love with me because I wasnt treating her emotional needs well. While I believe I was being a jerk to her (issues I needed to work out) I would have rather her left me then been unfaithful. I had suspicions that something was up and ended up finding pictures of her she had never sent me and pictures of another guy photoshopped saying "I love this man" etc. I was crushed because I love this woman more than anything, shes my best friend, my soul mate, my everything and because of my actions cause her to drift away from me. Anyways, I called her (she wasnt home at the time) and I was in tears and straight up asked her. She told me she would come home. She expected me to have destroyed the house which trust me I was tempted but I remained calm, even better is when she pulled up I was scared but then a sense of calm came over me as if God gave me peace saying that no matter what, it will be okay. Her "relationship" with this man (though not always sexual because he lived in another state and she would see him when we would visit that state saying that she was going to visit her friends) lasted about 11 years. I couldnt believe any of this was happening but here we are a year later. I've changed a lot from the jerk I was and am working at being a better husband and father. Gary Smalley books have really helped as well as these emails. We've tried counseling but they didnt seem to understand our relationship and the cost of outrageous. We did talk to our pastors and they've also been a huge help. One thing I'm still unsure of even though she is here still and we're doing okay is she doesnt seem remorseful and she hasnt asked for my forgiveness for her unfaithfulness. She finally after many months of not is telling me she loves me again which I feel is genuine. Perhaps she is trying to be strong or perhaps she is still struggling with her feelings for this other man. I've read her some of these newletters which I hope have shed some insight to her feelings (emotional overload). I still struggle with trust issues and I want to trust her and stop being suspicious. When should that stop? Will there be a time that she will apologize for her wrongdoings? She also struggles with depression which I think is related. Is that normal for a person struggling with their guilt? Anyways, thanks for these letters, they've been nice to read since I am not the only one out there feeling these things. If anyone has any insight, that would be great. By the way, this month we will have been married 19 years.
Gut Instinct and Denial
What do you do when you have that gut feeling and even attempt to warm your spouse about someone who is obviously interested him/her? All I got in return was, "No, it's not like that. It's just a friend from _____". I completely trusted my spouse and was completely deceived. If I had listened to that instinct, I might have been able to stop the sexual affair before it happened. It was probably too late for the emotional part.
I had been calring giving that advice for weeks before the affair happened. My spouse initially denied it. Once I found the evidence (explicit photos, emails, etc.), it was impossible to deny. I didn't keep a cool demeanor, but I don't believe that an adulterer deserves compassion upon discovery. Especially considering the boldness of the lies and depth of deception that accompanied the betrayal.
But before that, I was trying to be honest and caring with my concern and trust my spouse blindly. Maybe I shouldn't have. Where did I do wrong?
Gut Instinct and Denial
You did nothing wrong. I am the betrayer. I lied to my husband until he found evidence. He has not been compassionate. I have apologized and asked for forgiveness. He's hasnt forgiven me.
I CHOSE to have an affair. It's my fault not my husbands.
I hope your spouse is regretful and working towards amends.
I hope you are truly
I hope you are truly regretful and keep making every effort to repay him for your mistake. Make sure he understands all that you would do, if you only could, to take this away. Make sure he knows and sees all that you are doing today, and will do in the future, to honor your marriage. It will never been enough to just give an apology and ask for forgiveness. It will take self-sacrifice and humility...possibly months or years of it. Seeing those traits in your wife, will eventually soften any man's heart.
I am very sorry that your husband is not forgiving, but it may be too soon or too deep for him to even consider that he could. Each person recovers/responds in their own due time. In the meantime, continue to support and protect him through his grieving over the loss and humiliation he now feels. Hang in there. He may never forgive you completely, but hopefully his love for you will overcome his hurt/pain, and you will experience the compassion that you want.
i feel your confusion.. My
i feel your confusion.. My husband affair is still going on after a year.. During that time he has deceived me 4 times telling me he wants to stay with me that he loves me. What kind of love is that when he continues to see the other woman even when he says h doesn't want to leave me.. I think this other person just won't give him up and is willing to put up with any situation just to be with him she works in the same Place as he does so he sees her every day.. I don't think he wants to give her up either.. They keep on sneaking around. I think she is married or separated and has a son and stepkids who adore their father so she is in no position to except my husband into her home.. Do he really has no place to stay besides we have 4 grown kids who would hate him if they ever found out.. He can't except that. He loves them our oldest is getting married so we are preparing for that and I don't want to ruin his wedding.. I think he is waiting till after the wedding and he is leaving meanwhile he tells me he cares for me and makes love to me as if nothing is going on but I know he leaves extra early in the am to see her before he goes to work.. it's my fault because I should of thrown him out in Janusry when I caught them together but I still love him.. God help me I'm going crazy!!
You did not go wrong. This
You did not go wrong.
This was a choice the your spouse made.
It has nothing to do with you.
You are not responsible for their making the choice - nor were you responsible for stopping the choice.
Be kind to yourself.
This has absolutely nothing to do with you.
Not My Fault
D2motivate,
I appreciate your response. 10 months after my husband's 2 and 1/2 year affair came to an abrupt end (his "adoring" ap ended it by putting a Dear John letter on his truck's windshield) he still has the audacity to place blame on me, manipulate the conversation to make me look like I am crazy for my emotional flooding, and shows no remorse. He has lost two aviation jobs because of her, all because he was "miserable" in our marriage. I, too, was miserable, but CHOSE to raise our son well. He has had difficulty apologizing in the past, which is continuing now. He just got hired at another airline and we may have to move. I have trouble trusting him again. He has made minimal effort in making real amends and still distrusts and resents me for wanting revenge, to punish him, etc. I can't show raw emotion around him, because of his shame and discomfort.
We are at an impasse and I feel very dismissed. I am closer to God and working on forgiviveness, but I am struggling when he doesn't deserve it. I need more time to heal.
Ms. Frustrated
thank you
For your words.
I keep blaming myself. I need to realize that my spouse conciously made the decision to have an affair.
denial and cheated twice with the same women!
I have one for you....I am currently trying to work out my marriage. I found out 7 years ago he was cheating on. (sex and all) after he swore it was over....I just found out 6 months ago-it was still going on!!!! He bought her a ring, had her smelling like MY perfume. There were times he was supposed to be at work but was with her (joys of being paid salary) He had gone to her parents house.....did work for them. Went to family bbqs and poker parties. I was not aware of ANY of it. I did get a 'feeling' something was wrong when he went for a bike ride with his buddies, and they were home and he had told them he was 'taking the long way home'. hmmmm I called him-he said he was getting gas and was on his way home. SInce all this....we were selling our home..I'm taking care of the sale of the house because he had got another job in another state. While tending to all of this...I get a phone call from the girls sister!! She comes clean..tells me it's been going on for 7 plus years, he had bought her a ring and she was planning on moving with him. (bags packed and all) WOW!!! I went absolutely baserk! He got a phone call from me and I don't know WHO I was...but I definitely 'let it out'. Since he was miles away...it was hard to come home and just mend fences. OH NO..it was not going to be THAT easy THIS time!!! He kept telling me I was crazy...that "I" needed help when I thought 'something wasn't right'. Well..gutt feelings are more wiser than I was. Since then..we've moved.....she is still in the other state. He has given me ALL his passwords, her voicemails of her pleading and begging for an explaination (not so many nice words I may add) I am 'on top' of everything. Bank accts, passwords, emails, phone messeges...but at what point-do "I" get peace of mind. I hate living like this. He says it's OUR new start...he knows he has to earn my trust. (well, it's not going to be that easy-
You get peace of mind when
You get peace of mind when you realize you can not controll him. I too had all the passwords and was given free reign to look at everything. It made me miserable going through his personal mail, wallet, briefcase you name it I monitored it. It took about 10 months before I realized I could control him. If he really wanted to continue his affair he could do it while getting the oil changed or any number of errands. He could open new email accounts. Peace of mind came when I made the decision to live my life. Be happy with who I am and hold him accountable for his actions. I don't like the word forgive because it's so hard to define. I made the decision to keep my eyes open, stop monitoring his every move, and live and enjoy my life. He could come along with me or not. When he saw that I was going about having a great life he wanted to be with me. Who wants to be with someone who's life is consumed with. He king up on them? Give yourself the gift of letting go of the past. Do not forget that it happened. Enjoy your life and let him know he is welcome to come along or not. If he wants to sneak around and lie he's not welcome to take up space in your life.
Exactly what happened to me
The last letter describes exactly what my wife did to me...right down to the same dialogue. And I , too, blindly trusted my wife. I NEVER expected my wife to be capable of such a horrid crime against our marriage.
I didn't react like the advise given....and, quite frankly, I think there's a great deal of right to react emotionally. I was angry when I discovered the truth...and my wife was as dispassionate about her betrayal. I forgave her on the spot...she didn't care. She didn't want to be my wife anymore (and that's a quote).
I agree with the author of the last letter...an unrepentant adulterer doesn't deserve compassion upon discovery. There's NO excuse for this...especially multiple affairs...AT THE SAME TIME!
To me, healing comes when the betrayer not only acknowledges the affairs, but accepts that it is wrong. My wife doesn't deny the affairs...but that's only because she got caught...she just doesn't think what she did was wrong.
Being wronged!
Easter. He died for my wrongs even before I knew Him. After I knew Him I was still unfaithful to Him...still am, though I now truly try my best to be faithful. My husband was unfaithful to me with another woman for 10 years plus. I have forgiven him and hope he will one day find Christ's forgiveness and be set free. For that I am willing to love him and stay with him if he truly wants to change by doing what he needs to do to change and earn back my trust. I pray your spouses and mine will do just that and God will give us what we need.
"Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee: 'The Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.' ". Then they remembered his words. Luke 24:5b-8.
He's alive and I'm forgiven and my soul has been set free. He's alive and I'm forgiven and my joy I can't contain. He's alive and I'm forgiven and my faith is here to stay. He's alive and I'm forgiven and my love flows deep and wide. He’s alive and I’m forgiven, because He did what He promised, He arose after three days. He's alive! He's alive! He's alive! Boyd Bailey, Wisdom Hunters