Surviving Infidelity: It’s How You Use the Time That Counts

I am blown away by your responses to last month’s survey. Not only that but we’re all a bit overwhelmed. Several hundred of you took the time to share your thoughts on what you wish you had known at the time of discovery as well as the least productive action that you took.

You’ve given me enough information for about two years worth of articles, but what I really appreciate is your help in making sure that we provide relevant material. I remember a previous time when we conducted an open-ended survey like this one. On that survey we asked what were the two questions about recovery that you would most like answered. That’s when we discovered that for those within the first year of discovery the question of how to trust again was almost 2 times more likely to be a top question than any other question.

This time, because of the amount of information, I’m going to break it up into four parts. This week we’ll explore what those who have been betrayed wished they had known when the infidelity came to light. Next week, I’ll review the answers to the same question for those who’ve been unfaithful. On the third week, we will review the least productive actions taken by those who have been betrayed and on the fourth week, the least productive actions taken by the unfaithful spouses.

In response to the question “What did you not know that you needed to know after the infidelity came to light?” the answers fell into one of five categories:

1. I needed to know the truth about what had happened.
2. I needed to know why it happened and my mate’s motivations.
3. I needed to know who was responsibile for the betrayal.
4. I needed to know what to expect on the journey to recovery and the fact there was hope.
5. I needed to know the necessary steps to take in order to move forward in the most productive way possible.

Women

27% That I Was Not Responsible For My Husband’s Betrayal

The women said they needed to “know they were not responsible for their husband’s betrayal.” Twenty-seven percent of women reported taking personal responsibility for their mate’s infidelity. They reported difficulty in recovery because they were trying to fix something that ultimately they had little or no control over. This isn’t to say that they were perfect in the marriage, but bad marriages aren’t the root of infidelity. Surviving infidelity, and ultimately thriving in the relationship, means each person has to take responsibility for how they are treating their mate. In fact, there can be two people in a bad marriage and generally only one of them has an affair. Therefore, it’s not the bad marriage causing the infidelity, (even if the unfaithful mate is blaming them for their infidelity). In retrospect, these women felt their time would have been far better spent allowing their mate to take responsibility for their actions. In this category were comments such as, “There was nothing I could do to stop the insanity--no way to reason with my husband--so I would have spent less energy in finding a solution that wasn't mine to find and more energy in asking God for guidance.” and “I felt like I had failed, that it was all my fault, that if I was ‘ENOUGH’ it wouldn't have happened. I was so ashamed even though he was the one that did it, yet, I was too embarrassed to admit to others that he was having an affair.”

21% Not Knowing the Truth About What Happened

Second for the women was “not knowing the truth about what happened”. Twenty-one percent of the women felt their recovery would have been improved if their mate had answered their questions. This is supported by the statistic that couples who can talk about what occurred over a period of time have a greater chance of surviving the affair. In order to restore trust in a relationship, it’s necessary for the unfaithful spouse to first trust their mate with the information about what happened. Here are examples of these comments: “I'm in a different situation than most betrayed spouses. My husband told me little bits & pieces about how he was unfaithful. I wish he would have told me the whole truth all at once so the healing could have begun.” and “The whole story, the whole truth no matter how painful at the time.” And “Surviving infidelity means ultimately being honest and open.”

17% Understanding Why It Happened

The third most common comment about what they wished they had known was “why it happened”. Seventeen percent of women respondents said the absence of understanding why it happened as well as their mate’s motivations for recovery made it difficult to determine whether it was safe to continue in the relationship. Their fears were summed up with statements like this: “We can only change ourselves - people change when they want to, but sometimes don't know how. If an individual doesn't answer the question why they are cheating, the behavior will repeat.” And “How he could lie over and over to me and not feel any guilt. Why he would have jeopardized everything for her. Why would he say that he loved me during the affair (5 year affair).”

16% Expectations on Recovery and That Hope Exists

The fourth most common response by 16% of these women was that they wished they had known at the time of discovery what to expect on the Journey to recovery and the fact there was hope. The intensity of pain and the disorientation created by the infidelity left them out of touch with reality. Simply knowing that what they were going through was normal would’ve been helpful. They also reported that knowing there was hope for recovery would’ve prevented them from saying and doing things that were so destructive. In relation to surviving infidelity, for example, one person wrote, “I wish I had known that recovery was possible and that we would try to work things out down the road. Knowing that would have helped me avoid some of the terrible things I said to him and wrote to him. Also, that the more I wrote to him, the more I pushed him away. I so wanted him to hurt like I did, and I let him have it! I wish I had been softer, less ‘out there’ with my feelings.”

Steps Necessary to Move Forward

The final significant category for the women was not knowing at the time of discovery what steps to take in order to move forward in the most productive way possible. Not knowing what to do kept them stuck longer than was necessary. Here were some of the comments: “That not all counselors are the same.” and “How to put one foot in front of the other -in other words I was in shock mode and did not know what to do. I needed a guide but didn't even know how to find one.” And “I really should have sought help sooner.”

Men

24% Truth of What Happened

The number one thing the men wished they had known at the time of discovery was the truth of what happened. Twenty-four percent of men reported this would’ve been most helpful. The second highest total was the category of “Understanding why it happened and their mate’s motivations for recovery.” The number one thing the betrayed women wished they’d known at the time of discovery, “they were not responsible for their husband’s betrayal” was the third most common comment for the men, coming in at 19%. Next, the men said they wished they had known the necessary steps to take in order to move forward in the most productive way possible; followed by the category understanding the path of recovery and that there was hope for healing and moving forward.

Surviving infidelity is a tough road, but one that is definitely possible. We see it happen weekly. Your feedback is critical and our hope is to explore these topics over the next few months so that we can help those in the process of recovery discover the best use their time for moving forward productively. It is a tragedy for people to remain in the pit of despair created by infidelity when rehabilitation is possible. Reading through the comments made by those who have recovered reveals their belief that the time they spent in recovery could have been utilized more productively. Obviously hindsight is 20/20, but those of us at Affair Recovery hope those of you currently experiencing the crisis of infidelity can learn from the experiences of those of us who’ve gone before. There’s no doubt that we can learn from their lessons today and get on the path to healing much sooner.