Survey results for Valentine’s Day: Surviving Infidelity & Surviving Valentine’s Day

It’s Valentine’s Day and I hope your day is special.

The results from last week’s survey and suggestions made by the respondents might interest you on this Valentine’s Day. 425 people who had experienced infidelity agreed that the hardest part about celebrating the first Valentine’s Day after the affair is the reminder of the infidelity. Both the betrayed and the unfaithful agree, 54% and 47% respectively. Interestingly, 30% of the unfaithful say the uncertainty of how to act is the hardest part, so one can imagine the turmoil produced by this holiday, especially the Valentine’s Day right after the affair.

It’s no surprise that 70% of individuals who have gone through infidelity say the first Valentine’s after discovery of the affair is worse than previous ones shared. Hurt spouses who reported that Valentine’s Day has indeed regained meaning stated that it takes an average of 2.7 years to become meaningful or enjoyable again. However, 60% reported Valentine’s Day is still not meaningful, post betrayal. Perhaps the reason for such a long recovery for this romantic day has something to do with the mentality of people when approaching Valentine’s: 44% of individuals who are approaching their first Valentine’s Day, post discovery of an affair, say they will take a backseat and wait and see how to act.

However, taking a wait and see approach as it pertains to surviving infidelity and “V day” isn’t always helpful. In fact, the most common suggestion given on the survey was to focus on creating something new, but not extravagant.

How does healing after an affair work with Valentine’s Day? Here are a few of the suggestions given by people taking the survey:

It would help if the unfaithful partner would acknowledge how difficult it must be for the hurt partner after the affair, instead of trying to act as if nothing has changed. I tried to look at cards once, but cards to spouses were very painful to read, and I now avoid looking at them...it would be helpful if my spouse would offer to buy cards for our kids so I don't have to deal with it.

If you believe in your spouse and your marriage and the hurt is not so fresh that you can't move forward, then try to look at it as a chance to move forward, even if it’s just a small step. Don't try to make a huge production. Remember that small gestures can, and in this case do, mean more. I wanted my husband to know that he couldn't buy, give, or finesse his way out of the situation. A single flower (and not my favorite that he would have normally gotten me) meant more and was more intimate and personal than a dozen or a bunch. Handwritten notes, not too wordy, help a lot as well. I hope and pray that the triggers of this day are not too difficult for others. I know and believe that there is life after infidelity and that with God's help, we can all not only survive, but also thrive again.

Hang in there; it is called recovery for a reason. Keeping the marriage is Valentines Day all year long. Into year 3...post EMS.

Recount the good times shared.

Don't be rash and tell your spouse not to do anything, if in your heart you wish that he/she would try anyway. The spouse will "lose" either way because they are set up for failure. Try not to 'see' you and your spouse as you used to be in every loving couple around you. They aren't you. Lastly, try not to see 'perfection' in other couples. We don't know their lives and they too, may have undisclosed problems. I did all of these things and still fight not to. It's mental torture.

AFTER the discovery (of which I asked about Valentine's Day) I think you need to have an open dialogue about possible triggers and plans to avoid them. Plus, worst case scenario, how will the triggers be handled at the time, should they pop-up? (Addressed on the spot, later, totally ignored, etc.)

Talk, talk, talk!!! Ask for what you need---no one is a mind reader, and your spouse may appreciate being given information that would help you.

As the unfaithful spouse, I had nothing to live up to. I dropped the pressure to make it the most romantic day of the year. The freedom from the anxiety gave me a fresh start and I did something inexpensive and thoughtful, made from my own hands. That was more meaningful than any of my past attempts to impress her on Valentine's Day.

These are only a few of the suggestions made by the people taking “The Valentine’s Day After Syndrome” survey. What impressed me was their willingness to share what they have learned to help others during a difficult time. It’s a blessing to see how much this community cares. For those of you taking the time to make a suggestion, thank you. And for all of you who are a part of the AR community, Stephanie and I hope you find peace and joy on this Valentine’s Day.