Surviving Infidelity: 6 Things I Wish I'd Known

This week’s article explores the question “What did you not know that you needed to know, after the affair came to light?” from the perspective of the unfaithful person. However, I failed to pose that particular question to this population, so I decided to share my own answers to this question.

First, I needed to know that it wasn’t about me. I perpetrated the infidelity, but the devastation and loss belonged to my wife. Helping her heal from the wound I created needed to be the focus, not my guilt and shame. It was far too easy to make it about me and my reasons, rather than listening to her pain and taking responsibility.

Second, I wish someone had given me a realistic understanding of the timeline of surviving infidelity. I had no idea how long my wife would be haunted and tortured by my infidelity and the things I did. For months she was haunted by intrusive thoughts that caused her to re-experience the same painful emotions she felt at the discovery of my failure. Forgiveness couldn’t even stop her nightmare. It took months for her to feel safe enough to reconcile with me, but that didn’t stop the ongoing consequences she continued experiencing. I mistakenly believed that we would soon put this behind us and move on, but there was no way for me to protect her from the consequences of what I’d done. She had to live with them constantly reminding herself this was just another consequence to deal with. I think if I had understood the timeline of surviving infidelity, I would not have been so impatient.

Third, I wish I had known the necessity of telling the truth after the affair. Because I foolishly thought about me and wanted to avoid consequences, I failed to give my mate what she needed. I tried to control the situation by the flow of information, robbing her of her choice. Not only that, but if it didn’t make sense to me, (and after my infidelity and failures why did I think I knew anything?) then I assumed it was wrong. My self-centeredness prohibited my acting in my mate’s best interest and fueled my own self-protection at her expense (as if I hadn’t already cost her enough). I refused to accept that we couldn’t move forward until she could at least understand what happened. Coming clean at the beginning of the process would’ve saved my mate months of suffering and shortened our time of rehabilitation after my betrayal.

Fourth, I wish I’d known what my actions would cost. When I betrayed my wife I was so short sighted that I never considered what it might cost her as well as my family. My only thought was “I’ll never get caught”. I wish I had known what my self-centeredness and carelessness would cost those most important to me. I believe, had I allowed myself to be aware of the cost, it would’ve served as an inhibitor.

Fifth, I wish I’d known there was hope for surviving infidelity. Not knowing there was hope left me skeptical and hesitant to give my marriage a chance. If I had known it was possible, I would’ve more quickly sought help, and I certainly would’ve had a better attitude. It wasn’t until we met others, who had not only succeeded in saving their marriages but were now better off, that I began to realize what could be.

Sixth, I wish I’d known what love was. I craved feelings I labeled as love. Feelings that came from having someone I valued value me in return. It made me feel I was all that. In fact, the more I esteemed the other person, the stronger the effect. But, what I really loved was how they made me feel about myself. The reflection of my image in their eyes made me feel amazing. But love isn’t that feeling, rather it’s the grace my wife extended, not when I deserved it, but rather when I least deserved it.

If you and I were playing ball and broke a window, went to the owner and he charged us $20 for the damage, it would be justice. If we were playing ball and broke a window, went to the owner and he informed us it was $20, but then said, “Don’t worry about it; I’ll take care of it”, that would be mercy because we didn’t have to pay for what we had done. However, if we were playing ball and broke a window and the owner said the cost was $20, but then said not to worry about it, he’d take care of it and then he said, “Would you guys like some ice cream?” That is grace because I get ice cream for breaking the window. Grace is getting what you don’t deserve.

My wife gave me ice cream for breaking the window. She continued to love me after I broke her heart. The difference between the two loves is amazing. The first type of love made me feel good about myself, the second left me feeling cared for, not because of who I was, rather in spite of who I was. That love transformed me.

If I’d only known the meaning of love, perhaps I would not have been so self-centered. Rather, just maybe I could’ve cared for others.

I would love to hear the lessons learned from others of you who have been unfaithful. I hope you’ll take a moment to leave a comment about “What did you not know that you needed to know, after the affair came to light?” Hopefully, the lessons we learned could save others some of the heartbreak we experienced.