A few years ago I threw my back out. In my wife’s defense, this was the first time and both of us were unaware of the seriousness. Stephanie had helped me get into bed, called the doctor, and made run to the pharmacy to get some muscle relaxants. Apparently, the longer I lay in bed, the worse my back got and when I finally decided to go to the bathroom, I found it almost impossible to get out of bed. Fortunately I was able to use the nightstand, the door, and the countertop to hold myself up as I inched my way towards toilet. I was quite proud of myself for successfully making it to the toilet, but when I’d finished my business, I had a startling discovery; I couldn’t get off the toilet. I yelled for help, but Stephanie was in the living room talking to a neighbor and was unable to hear me. Because she didn’t get the seriousness of the situation, I ended up on the toilet for almost 2 hours. To this day you can still see the imprint of that toilet seat on my behind.
You can imagine when Stephanie finally came in to check on me that I was quick to let her know the seriousness of my condition and informed her that now we had a bigger problem since both of my legs were asleep. Her delay in checking on me was the result of her not understanding the seriousness of my situation.
I look back on that day with amusement, but there is nothing funny about an unfaithful spouse failing to understand how their actions have affected their mate. One of the primary reasons couples fail when dealing with infidelity is the mate not getting it. Empathy is imperative when it comes to healing the wounds of betrayal. When the connecting bond is broken in a marriage, the betrayed spouse experiences something like a primal panic. It’s as if someone had struck them in the chest and knocked all of their breath out. Initially, all they can think about is getting that next breath. At the front end of dealing with infidelity, the thought of placing themselves back in a situation where that wounding could occur again seems ludicrous, but over time if the unfaithful spouse shows remorse and proves they can be safe, they might consider reconnecting. However, one very important step needs to occur before that can happen. They need to know that their mate understands what they have done to them and that they are grieved over what their actions have cost their mate. Anything short of that leaves the hurt spouse wondering whether or not they’re mate really cares.
Until the hurt spouse believes their unfaithful spouse “gets it,” they experience an internal pressure to keep talking about it until their mate understands. It just doesn’t feel safe if their mate doesn’t care enough to empathize with them and feel their pain. It’s human nature to want to know that we exist in our partner’s mind, that we matter to them and that they will be there for us. After a betrayal however the hurt spouse no longer feels their presence in their mate’s mind. Only the emotional intimacy created through empathy is capable of reestablishing that broken bond.
At times, I come across and unfaithful spouse who tells their mate to just get over it. And while they may try to take responsibility for what they’ve done, their unwillingness to process what happened and their unwillingness to consider what their actions have cost their mate leaves their mate feeling unimportant and unloved. In this type of situation, the unfaithful spouse communicates that their discomfort is more important than the pain their mate experiences as a result of their betrayal.
There is hope for healing and reconciliation, but a willingness to try and understand the impact of the betrayal is essential. If you happen to be the unfaithful spouse, I’d encourage you to open your ears. Listen to your mate and try to understand what your choices cost your mate. Your willingness to put yourself in their shoes will go a long way in helping them know it’s safe to reconnect with you.
Take the Affair Analyzer
Comments
I'd like to say thanks to the
I'd like to say thanks to the creator of this very helpful resource. It's been four months of knowing after i finally confronted my wife about my suspicions and she reluctantly confessed to three month's of emotional betrayal including sex with another man. Initially i thought her very supportive and felt she "got it". Of late it seems she gets frustrated at me to the point where i get nervous about discussing how I am feeling, or the aftereffects of the affair and find I spend most of the day pretending to be normal. If I do say anything she just says I'm sorry and is loth to discuss anything further about what happened or become open as to her own feelings. I've learned a phrase from this website: emotional flooding - that's what happens to me. It's not that I want to live in the past or elect cling to pain but images, memories, other reminders and even dreams(!) make day to day life unpalatable in different ways... At this point I don't know if i want to stick through with it anymore because it just feels las though she doesn't "get it". It therefore follows that she can hurt me again in some way or another in future. I have a toddler with her and another one may be on the way. Any advice any one?
She will Dave
Patience Dave. Lots of patience and waiting. Changing a heart takes time- unfortunately for you. I have experienced it exactly as you have told. It is as if you are not even comfortable in your own skin anymore- physical pain and discomfort. All you can do is focus on the positive- and there is positive, no one is dead, no one has left and God will work a miracle. You will fall prey to doubt, anger and fear before its over, but keep returning to your knees and praying. Have a morning routine of prayer and silence. I recommend a book that was given to my wife and I a month or two after discovery. You can access it online as well if you Google it. "God Calling" is the name and there are some days where it literally feels like God is talking to you and your situation. Weather the storm, stand tough, consider your own strengths, pray and let your love for her continue to show when it needs to even if you dont think she feels it just keep on doing it!
Double Jeopardy
I am the spouse who hurt my wife with multiple one night stands since we were married. 23 years to date. When I came to Christ I stopped for years, but due to our not dealing with the infidelity in the past, and our lack of intimacy on many fronts, I got angry and frustrated and betrayed my wife again. We started AR and 1/2 way through we found out she had breast cancer. We were not able to finish. I also had to move jobs and I never pressed for further healing. So much going on, I did not put my wife first under God. Now 5 years later, my wife is having an emotional affair with a man from her home town and I am now devastated. She is currently there now and who knows what will happen. I am so crushed that I could not be strong enough and unselfish enough to fight. I can't work, sleep or think straight right now. I want my marriage to work and I will reach out to her to and see if she will attend the November EMS retreat. God only knows if we can make it. I just want to see her and myself healed. If you are 2nd guessing to get help or do this, I highly suggest that you face it with totally open and honest conviction and perseverance. I'll write back one day and hopefully have a good report.
Thank you for this article, I
Thank you for this article, I sent it to my unfaithful spouse because he really doesn't understand. I believe it goes back to his selfish nature. He is more concerned about his comfort than my pain due to his infidelity. I find he is so emotionally immature and needy due to his past. However, one would see him as ultra confident and completely together. I want to tell others how painful betrayal is and that sexual sin kills the joy God created in marriage. If only others would understand that sexual sin destroys themselves and their loved ones! Once infidelity sets in things are never the same....restoration is possible but the painful changes are so hurtful, devastating!!!
Not Getting It
This is so true Rick. You are "so" right about primal injury. The infidelity in my marriage changed my perception of life and marriage completely. I have never been the same since. The marriage has never been the same. It doesn't mean what it once did to me. A cheater doesn't reallly get what they have done to their mate or the marriage nor how it changes the life of the injured. Their view is 360 degrees from the spouse they betrayed. And, I found personally that the longer they go without getting it, the less likely the marriage will ever be a real marriage again. It "may" survive, but it will never really be what I think of as a good marriage. There are many reasons that people stay married. After betrayal I think the reasons are much different than they were before it. I know that my husband finally got it...but he got it far too late to matter. His attempted defense of his behavior assured that. Sometimes I think it's unfortunate that he will never be in the position to "really" understand what it feels like to be betrayed by a person you fully trusted. And, sometimes I think he's very fortunate that he doesn't and never will know. I also think it's unfortunate for both that we still love each other...in ways.
This is a timely article for
This is a timely article for me. I found out my husband had an affair in December and here it is September! Many people would say that this is plenty of time for me to recover emotionally since my husband has chosen me and has been completely devoted to repairing our marriage. But, here lies the problem for me - he doesn't regret having the affair. He regrets hurting me, but doesn't regret the affair because it awoke "something" in him. I also believe he feels he will be "betraying" her if he regrets the affair.
My husband travels alot for work and I become insecure due to this fact. He does do his best to text or call me when I need him, although I'm sure it's not easy to always do that in his position. I know he's trying very hard and I am trying too, but I feel insecure with his travel since he so easily hid his affair from me due to his travels. I will go along just fine and suddenly zap it hits me and I feel extreme resentment and fear on top of that. I'm having a hard time believing he understands how hurt I am. I never nagged or resented his travel like many women do, but his betrayal has made me insecure about his travel and much more. I believe if he could possibly show me in some manner he understands my hurt and truly regrets it, along with being completely devoted to me would help me so much
Where can we go from here?
Hurt Jo
Why couples fail after the affair
I can't tell you how true what you say about the betrayer getting it is. It has been 4 years going on 5 and I'm still not sure he gets it and we no longer talk about it. Sometimes something very innocent will bring back a sudden memory that hurts and I'd like to share that hurt but our relationship doesn't feel to me as tho it is open to for that sharing, so it takes me days or more to get back on track. And I continue to greive for lost friendships and relationships that as time goes on I realize will never be. I also greive for him because of the loss of some of the friendships and I greive when he is left out of the group of guys he use to have and who rarely include him, sometimes it seems he is so alone. (Since he had an affair with a the spouse of a couple who were part of our circle of friends some of the friends either felt the injured person was certainly not deserving of the injury and I'm sure they feel betrayed and torn since it kind-of went on right under everyone's nose.)