Why Couples Fail After an Affair, Part 5: Not Grieving the Loss

I hate grief work, as anyone in our office will attest. I think it comes from a one year season in my life where I lost my mother, grandmother, father-in-law, uncle, and the 10 year old son of our dear friends. I was devastated by the losses, but each time I tried to move on it felt like another death knocked me down, causing a sense of utter helplessness. My response to these events was pure rage. The circumstances were beyond my ability to comprehend. I couldn't fix it. I couldn't control it. I couldn't even understand it. The best description for that season was that it felt like I was standing with my backside facing a six foot privacy fence. In that fence there was a knothole and running through that knothole was a piece of rope that had been tied around my waist. The rope was tied to a big truck on the other side of that fence, and I could tell I was about to get dragged through that knothole, time and time again, each time hurting more than the first. Being dragged through a knothole really hurts, but what fueled my anger was my inability to do anything about it. Sad to say, I didn't know much about grief in those days; I wish I had. The only way I knew to respond was with anger and rage, which I selfishly spewed out on all those around.

Infidelity creates circumstances after the affair that may even be worse. It's the gift that keeps on giving. The pain created by betrayal is a pain like no other. At least with the deaths of my loved ones there was finality, but in the case of betrayal, having to live with the consequences along with the fear of a repeated betrayal perpetuates the trauma. How does one respond to that type of pain?

Our American culture has a problem with this type of loss. We're taught from an early age that our "Yankee can do" attitude gives us the ability to overcome all of life’s obstacles. We're well schooled in the "FIX-IT” mode and frequently utilize that approach to handle our infidelity crisis only to find that much of the wreckage created by infidelity can't be fixed. At other times we try our "CONTROL-IT” mode", but some aspects of infidelity are flat out unmanageable, and the pain keeps going on. We might even try the “UNDERSTAND IT” mode, falsely believing our ability to comprehend will make it all better, but in the case of infidelity there are rarely enough answers, and even when answers come they fail to dull the hurt.

As Americans we have little training in what I've heard called the "WEEPING" mode (Grief) and in situations that are too messed up to fix, too big to control, and too unjust to understand, grief is the only way to deal with loss and pain after the affair. Weeping is the soul's primary path for transforming unfinished hurt to peace and acceptance, but for many of us it's a foreign path. Rather than allowing our pain to be transformed, we’ll attempt to manage it by one of the above mentioned methods. More often than not, we’ll discover that it’s beyond our abilities. "Pain that is not transformed will be transmitted" says Richard Rohr and I couldn't agree more. To move beyond a betrayal it's imperative to learn the "WEEPING" mode.

I can imagine the resistance some of you are feeling right now. Thoughts are going off such as "How can anything good come out of this?" "I didn't cause this so why should I have to go through this?" I don’t always know the answers to those questions. All I know is that some situations are so big it’s impossible to find all the answers and at times we have to go on living without knowing. If there are no good answers, what are you going to do with the pain that feels like death in your soul? How do you handle running into something so horrible that it brings you to the end of yourself?

In those situations, we may be powerless, but we’re not helpless. We still get to choose how to respond. Even more, I’d like to invite you to consider that there are worse places. At AR we believe that severe crises lead to radical transformation, and that failure teaches what success cannot. Looking back over my life I can honestly say that my year of death was one of the most painful times in my life, but it was also one of the most transformative. Failure teaches what success cannot. Again, I am not trying to justify the evil that has occurred in anyone’s life, but for me, every major lesson I’ve learned after age 30 hasn’t been the result of success, but rather the result of failure. If that’s the case, then there is a way for our pain to be used as the catalyst for healing and transformation if we will only allow it.

A major determining factor between those who go forward with new life and those who remain stuck after the affair is their willingness to grieve the loss. Those who go into the "WEEPING" mode may spend months crying a river to build a bridge to get over it. At the end of their journey they feel fresh and renewed. I remember one of our mentors explaining how each night after she got the kids to bed she’d go to the bathroom and lay on the floor crying out to God and weeping. While that may sound strange to some, at the end of her season of mourning she was renewed. Since I began my work as a therapist in 1981, I have never known of a single person who has toughly grieved and had any regrets or felt a need to blame anyone. They are free and at peace. When people fail to move forward after the affair, it’s often due to the inability to grieve the loss. Instead of healing from the pain, they try to control and manage the pain which only results in further damage and isolation.

Untransformed pain manifests itself in some interesting ways. Frequently, it's seen as bitterness and resentment. Eventually, that pain makes us toxic to all who are near, and our pain is transmitted through mistrust, rejection and isolation. We always play the victim and claim self-protection as the defense for making everyone else wrong so we can be right. Another sure fire way for transmitting our pain after the affair is control. Rather than grieving our pain, we try to avoid it by controlling others in our life. As long as they behave as we need for us to be safe, then we can stave off the feelings we so fear. The only problem with control is that it comes at the expense of those we love. We rob them of their freedom by dictating their actions and choices under the guise of "doing what's best for them." In reality, we become self-centered in our attempt to protect ourselves from further hurt. Yet, another way untransformed pain is transmitted is through anger. This not so subtle approach is about overtly transmitting the pain back to those who've wounded us. Vengeance drives our anger as we become consumed with making the other person hurt as badly as we’ve hurt. But it turns out anger has an appetite of its own, and it's impossible to get it all out. Rather than removing the pain, anger begets anger, and it only serves to amplify the pain as the appetite for anger grows.

When dealing with infidelity there are many things which are not optional. It’s a lot like getting dragged through a knothole, but we do get to choose how we’ll deal with the pain. You have the choice of transmitting the pain to those you love or allowing that pain to be transformed through utilizing the "WEEPING" mode. Untransformed pain not only destroys us, but is passed on to our children and our children’s children. To find new life after the affair, this issue has to addressed. You don't want to leave this place in your life until you've allowed it to teach you the lessons you need.

Here are some tips on grieving the loss:
1) Don’t isolate: This is especially difficult for men since their natural tendency is to withdraw to deal with their loss. Try to find at least one person who is safe to share your story with. This person needs to feel safe enough for you to cry with them. Their role isn’t to comfort you, rather they are there to share in your weeping. They need to be secure enough within themselves to be present with you, regardless of where your emotions take you.
2) Educate yourself about grief: We may not be able to wrap our minds around what happened, but we can certainly learn ways to express the pain and allow it to be transformed. A book I frequently recommend is the “Grief Recovery Handbook” by John W. James and Russell Friedman. While this book is primarily about grief as it relates to death, I believe you’ll find great information as well as some excellent exercises to help you along your journey.
3) Recovery Groups: It’s extremely helpful if you can find a group to attend which focuses on grieving the losses created by infidelity. There is power in numbers and you’ll find that another person may do a better job of expressing what you’re feeling than you can yourself. The best resource I know of in this area is Harboring Hope. This program is a virtual group of individuals trying to grieve though the losses created by betrayal.

I welcome other suggestions on healthy ways to grieve after the affair. If you have any suggestions please comment below and join the conversation. I’m sure others may be helped by your suggestions.