When I was but a wee lad, I remember overhearing my dad talking to a good friend who owned a trucking business. Apparently, one of his truckers hadn’t paid attention to the height on an overpass and had destroyed the rig. For a six year old boy this was riveting stuff, as he described the process of getting that truck out from under the bridge.

I also remember Dad asking him if he had fired the driver. “Heck no”, he replied, “Why would I want another trucking company to benefit from the $75,000 education I just paid for this driver? He won’t ever make that mistake again.”

In our survey last month, (for preparation for the “Harboring Hope” release) hands down, the most frequently asked question was, “How do I trust again?” Great question. How do you come to a place where you can trust again and why would you even want to?

When I asked Stephanie if she trusted me, she said “no,” but I trust God and I trust God with you. She told me the problem isn’t trusting, rather it’s the mistrust that kills you.

Trust is a choice, in the same way that forgiveness or love is a choice. There’s no more way I can really be worthy of trust than there is for me to be worthy of true love. It’s a gift that is given and undeserved. Who in our lives hasn’t disappointed us? To err is human, and to fail, part of the human condition. If your relationships are based on the other people getting it right, then you’ll be a very lonely person. Even worse, if trust is based on having to get it right 100% of the time then you can’t even trust yourself. If we’re honest there are some of us who would do well to trust ourselves even less.

Now, please don’t think I’m saying that putting yourself in an unsafe relationship is a good idea or required. Many is the time I’ve told a man or woman they needed a psychiatric exam if they planned on going back with their mate who had just destroyed them. Some people just aren’t safe and have no real motivation to change. These are the folks who, sure as shooting, will do it again. They’ll say they’re going to change and may even mean it, but their pride or their lack of healthy motivation will eventually cause them to fail. So let me repeat, I’m not saying to stay with someone who’s not willing to do whatever is necessary to be safe.

But I want to live and experience life and the price we pay for mistrust is disconnection from both self and others. If I always have to protect myself and never take risks then I’ll rob myself of life itself and the last thing I want to do is join the “walking dead.”

Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable... The only place outside of heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all dangers and perturbations of love, is Hell.

C. S. Lewis - The Four Loves

To honor yourself you need to (to the best of your ability) make sure the one you choose to love and trust is taking personal responsibility for their side of the street and that they’ve made an active decision to be safe enough for you. In fact, what frequently makes them a good candidate for trust is their distrust of themselves. Personally, I know the only way I can be safe enough for Stephanie is to know that I’m more than capable of wounding those I love and I’ll do whatever I can to avoid putting myself in a high risk situation where failure could happen. Often I think it’s my mistrust of myself that allows Stephanie to feel safe. I suspect if I trusted me, then it might be more difficult for her to trust me.

Now some of you may be thinking that my lack of trust in myself might be used as an excuse to act out, but it doesn’t if the lack of trust is based in acceptance of who and what I am, as well as my limitations. If my lack of trust is shame based, then the odds are I will act out. Shame and acceptance are mutually exclusive. With shame, I find myself unacceptable and live in a constant state of fear of being found out and people discovering what a loser I truly am. With acceptance, I see my limitations and begin to live in solutions rather than needing to deny the problem.

Jesus tells an interesting parable about a man sowing seed. Some of the seed fell on the path and was eaten by the birds. Some fell on rocky ground and quickly sprang up, only to wither in the sun because the roots were unable to go deep into the soil. Still more fell in good soil, but the weeds and grasses choked it out, and the rest fell on good soil where it produced a good crop. When betrayal occurs and people begin to seek help, the seed is sown. Some will do nothing; others will start, but have no follow through. Others will begin and do great for a while, but other problems distract them and their commitment will falter. But a large percentage will learn and grow. They’ll grieve and accept what’s happened and allow God to transform that loss and pain and make it into something better than they had ever dreamed.

A hint to the wise. You have to maintain a nine to one ratio of consistency to develop trustworthiness. And if the ratio falls below five to one, there is a perception that the other person isn’t reliable. For both parties, it’s terribly important to be consistent. Follow through with what you agree to do. It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give your mate.

If in time you see sustained progress in your mate, then ultimately you’ve got to confront yourself and ask if you’re willing to take a risk. Are you willing to live and join the dance called life? It’s not about our mate getting it perfect, but it is about all of us, out of love, choosing to be safe enough for our mate. Don’t be foolish and trust someone who’s not trustworthy, but at the same time don’t destine yourself, out of fear, to a life of isolation. Don’t trust your mate, but I do encourage you to trust God. If and when it’s time, seize the day, take the plunge, and go for it.

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