Recently I heard someone refer to forgiveness as a talent and from my perspective that’s got to be one of the craziest concepts I’ve come across in quite some time. If that were the case, then only those fortunate enough to have been blessed with that talent would be capable of sustaining meaningful relationships. And from the number of successful relationships in this world there has to have been a whole lot of forgiveness going on. That reality would be especially bad news for someone like me because, honestly, I mess up a lot. Not on purpose mind you, but more out of carelessness or thoughtlessness.

Admittedly, forgiveness seems to be easier for some, but I have to believe it’s possible for all. Maybe the question comes down to why would I want to forgive and that answer lies with our belief system. One client (I’ll refer to him as Jake) recently stated this belief “If you hurt me, I must protect myself, which means severing my relationship with you completely.” For Jake, forgiveness was out of the question because in his mind forgiving left him vulnerable to further hurt and so if he could just eliminate all who hurt him then he could be safe. The only problem with Jake’s approach is that he’s a very lonely man. He’s almost 40 years old and he’s never been able to sustain a meaningful relationship because everyone (including his parents) has hurt him at some point and he’s had to sever all of those relationships.

It is true, some people aren’t safe and it would be foolish to be in relationship with them, but safety isn’t determined by whether or not someone makes mistakes, rather it’s determined by their response to the mistakes they make.

The essence of human existence is based on a need to love and to be loved and it is through our primary relationships that much of our sense of well-being is derived. It is a myth perpetrated by cultural that the picture of health is an independent, individuated individual who has little or no need for others. In reality suffering is inevitable, but suffering alone is pure torture. Simply watching a child’s attachment with their parent reveals a truth which defines all human beings. We need connection and we need people with whom we can be connected.

However, when the person with whom we are most deeply connected fails, the very foundation of our existence is rocked. It is not surprising that the initial response may be to run or withdraw. The pain generated by this broken bond can be completely disorienting, but regardless of what we say, our most primal longing is to be reconnected, loved, desired, and wanted.

Research shows that those who had a significant attachment in the past are far more capable of forgiving and reattaching. Those who have never had that attachment either in childhood or in marriage are going to find it far more difficult to forgive. It’s almost as if they lack the internal foundation of security and confidence to begin to move forward. Tragically, these individuals frequently choose to move on hoping to finally find that one person who can be good enough for them to take the next chance at love. Or they forgive too quickly, putting themselves back in harm’s way with the same people who have taken little or no responsibility for what they’ve done and who show little or no regard to how their actions have impacted others.

Sadly, when the forgiveness required concerns infidelity, some individuals fail to recognize that their best chance of finding what they are looking for may lie in the person who just disappointed them, but their pride and wounded-ness prevent them exploring the meaning of the unfaithfulness and their mate’s response.

Forgiveness is more than possible, it’s actually a necessity for your own emotional health. Failure to forgive will cause you to forever remain the victim. Reconciliation, however, needs to be dependent on the unfaithful mate’s responses. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Reconciliation is a gift you give your mate if they, over time, show they can show they are safe.

If your mate is grieved over how their actions have impacted you, if they are non-defensive and take responsibility for their failure, if they are willing to do whatever it takes to help you heal, if they are striving to understand how their actions have impacted the you and if they allow you to have your pain and are willing to let you go through your process, then they might actually be in the process of becoming what you’ve always wanted, but let time be the judge.

Take time to see what’s going to happen. You don’t want to miss the opportunity to have the person you’ve always wanted.