The Founder's Laptop
by Rick Reynolds
What is Healing?
If you’ve ever read one of my emails, (I’m not trying to put any pressure on you), you may have noticed that my closing remark is always “To healing”. Recently someone asked what that means to me? What is healing?
Webster’s says that it’s “tending to cure or restore to health;” All of us living on this planet are well aware of the wounds life brings and the need for healing.
For me, healing enables me to wake each day feeling fortunate to be alive. It grants me freedom to live beyond the painful events of my past and liberates me to move forward enriched by what has happened. It’s the ability to stop living to the wounds in my soul and begin living free from those points woundedness.
Life is hard and as those of you reading this website certainly understand, it isn’t fair. It’s bad enough trying to handle the problems and pain created by my own poor decisions, but even worse, I have no choice or control over the difficulties perpetrated against me by life and/or by others. These wounds, received in the process of life, will either enrich or destroy our lives. But we do get to choose which it will be.
I think an honest evaluation of life confirms the reality of life’s pitfalls, but what vexes me are those who choose not get back up. Why would anyone choose not to heal? What would cause us to choose to remain tethered to life’s injustice rather than to heal and find new life?
Negativism:
One factor causing people to choose pain over healing is negativism. To heal, there has to be a desire to live. And choosing life takes courage. I once read that courage is that condition where your desire for life is greater than your fear of death. A person trapped in a burning building may have to run through a wall of flame to escape. It takes courage to act in the face of fear. But if their desire for life isn’t stronger than their fear of death, then they’ll never find the courage to run to freedom.
When wounded, some seem to prefer their current state of misery over taking the risk that comes with experiencing life. The easiest way to go through life is negativism. You never have to worry about disappointment if you never allow yourself to take a chance on life. But at the same time, you never get to experience life’s joy if you’re not willing to heal and move on.
Healing is a willingness to take a chance on life. It is true there’s the risk of failure and of being wounded once again, but without that risk, there’s never opportunity to experience life’s abundance.
Vengeance:
Some choose not to heal because they want to punish the ones who have wounded them. They believe that healing would somehow let the ones who have wounded them off the hook. In reality, “healing” is the only process whereby those who are wounded can let themselves off the hook. Why would you want to suffer for the sake of making someone else pay?
I can look at it one of two ways. First, I can fight the injustice that someone did this to me, sacrificing my future by staying focused on what they’ve done, refusing to let go, and continuing to bludgeon the perpetrators in my life with my miserable state. Relief comes when I believe they have paid for their crimes. But the net result isn’t healing, rather it’s just about justice.
Second, I can choose forgiveness, letting go of the debt incurred by others and choosing to focus on what brings life. This scenario is a about a refusal to let circumstances rob me of my attitude. There are few things that we control in life, but one factor I do control is my attitude. I can choose to heal and do what’s necessary to move forward.
Pride:
Sometimes it’s not for lack of motivation, but it’s for lack of knowledge that people don’t heal. As humans we tend to be limited by us. We only know how to bring ourselves to the process. We think that doing more of the same will somehow bring about the change we’re seeking, but it won’t. If I had been capable of changing, it would have happened a long time ago. To heal we have to take on a beginners mind and assume that we may not know what or how.
It seems that some would rather remain in their wounded state rather than abandoning their pride and admitting they may not be right. Where there is healing there is a simple humility that allows us to receive from others and to find a path that can restore our health.
“To healing” is about my wish for you to have a more complete life. My hope is that by God’s grace we all experience new life.
Comments
Healing
I get the healing on that level. I understand that I need to move on with my life and make the best of it. There are other things in my life than my marriage. I have done that. Reinstated interest in the other things. But, to say that I can feel fully, freely loving to someone who has intentionally hurt me? I don't think I can do that. I can let the marriage be what it is....meaning no divorce. But, to have a fully loving relationship now? I don't see how anyone can do that. I don't know how to do that. I do love my mate still. But, not in the same way now. In ways the relanship is better...more honest and respectful. But, I don't feel sexually free and intimate anymore. I have learned to value the remainder of the relationship...the companionship...etc. But, the sexually, romantically intimate part...no. Romantic trials are a miserable failure. I can have a reasonable sexual relationship...but not romantic. Why doesn't that heal too?
Response To Healing's Reply
I also understand the healing, for me the shock, tears and grevieing is over. It will be 3 years since I learned from the other woman about my husband's activities with her.(she is 20 years our junior) I am at the same stage in my marriage after learning about my husband's 8 year infidelity and $52,00 later. After, 37 years of marriage my husband told me that he decided that he wanted a younger woman on the side and intentional had the affair with total disregard to his vows after 26 years of marriage. I am no longer in love with him, in fact, liking him is a task I tolerate him. We have intercourse but it is not romantic nor the feeling of sexuality, instead all I feel is a physical release. I am letting the marriage be what it is also....meaning no divorce, we have become companions doing the things we both enjoy and sleeping in separate bedrooms. I have made changes in my life, I come first now doing activities gear to my enjoyment whether he participates or not. Finally, the relationship is extremely honest on his part and very respectful which for years it was only about himself. I can not see many changes, in fact, I don't know if I want a change from the way it is now.
What is Healing? article
You left out an important "cause" for not healing: caged. I consider being caged the state in which I presently am and where I believe many others in my circumstance may be. In this state, I gather up energy to start living again (hence, not be defined by my husband's adultery) and then some new revelation about his adultery surfaces. You see, my husband, like many other perpetrators, continually claims to have revealed EVERYTHING yet every few weeks, more lies burst and truth is revealed. After the devastation, I try to climb out of the hole again when a boot to the top of my head pushes me further down the well.
Yes, I have struggled with bouts of pride, wanting to avenge my suffering, and negativity. But those are fleeting, whereas being caged and not allowed enough room to heal (room free from more "revelations") is severely hindering my ability to heal. This is why full disclosure is so imperative to reconciliation. And I surmise it may even kick start the healing process. Being caged, and the pain that absolutely accompanies it, stifles one's ability to heal.
to healing
I agree with your reply of the boot to the head to push you back down. My husband doesn't feel that he needs to make any revelations what so ever. He has not appologized, he feels if he just ignores it it is all ok. He can't say I love you, he says he wants to be home, but can't even attempt to make things right. Then each week he slips back into his world, decides to do what he wants when he wants how he wants and thinks I should just sit at home waiting. I can't heal like this ever. When I was beginning to heal and go on without him, he had to come back. I guess I should say I allowed him to come back. Either way I look at it, I understand that in some situations you can't heal because you haven't been given the opporutnity to do so.
What is healing? article
This is a reply to John who submitted his comment on 9/7/09. I whole-heartedly agree and thoroughly appreciate him raising this quesiton/concern. There is nothing more non-motivating when it comes to the healing process than to have more and more "revelations" made, especially when you least expect it/them; when you in the process of healing or feel you have healed. It is absolutely stiffling to encounter yet another "revelation," especially when you were assured that you had read, heard and seen it all...that you were given full disclosure and honestly when you asked for it..when you presumed it had been given to you. This is truly a "stuck" place..."caged" as John worded it. I would like to read Rick's comments concerning this "mess" in the healing process. Again, thanks John for bringing up this most important subject.
I agree about being "caged"...I always call it "feeling trapped"
My husband continues to "flirt" with pornography and has refused to do the things I need in order to feel safe and trust again. He continually thumbs his nose at any boundary I've set. He wants to have "down low" fun on the side and expects me to excuse it because "it's just his addiction". I am hurting so much. I love this man who must not love me. Someone who loves someone else does not have affairs and continue in the destructive behaviors that led to the intercourse with another. We have children and I have not wanted to leave a legacy of divorce in their lives. I am so scared of making it on my own. I have many more years before they would be grown up. I just know I feel so trapped and continually hurt, betrayed, discarded, denied even love. I feel I am trapped in my pain because the offenses keep happening and I am not strong enough to leave. My husband even taunts me with that, "you won't leave"...basically he is saying he can do whatever he wants to me and our marriage bed and I am STUCK. I just feel like I am dying daily. I have been a loving wife for 21 years and I find out it is all a game to him. We are his cover for sin. I cry out daily to God for deliverance.
Caged is a good word
I have to agree....caged has been left out. I found out about my husband's affair less than three weeks ago. I haven't asked him specifics of where they went and what all they did together, because when I spoke to - I am just going to call her - HER - she told me several things. I decided to stop the conversation with HER because I realized that actually having the information was much worse than wondering. Finding out that he shared things with her that he also did with me and my family - more painful than discovering the affair.
I too feel caged because those types of images are burned into my brain and physically sting the most often. I am not an emotional, drama filled person. In fact, drama irritates me. However, this purgatory of emotions that I am stuck in - I just can't seem to break free. I know that it will take time, but I feel so "caged" with emotions. I just want to move on. So, I will have days that God picks me up by my boot straps and sends me on my way reassuring me that my husband and I can fix this - that I can move though this pain. Then comes football practice, where I have to see HER, or I will see a woman sitting next to a man in a truck - which she did with my husband - and so on....those thoughts drive a stake through my heart again - and emotional roller coaster starts again. I honestly think that if it was just sex and not a 7 months affair - it may be easier to recover from.
I always said that if my husband ever was unfaithful - I would be gone so quickly - he wouldn't know what hit him. But after 12 years and 3 kids and the teachings of Christ....I know that God can restore anything and I do honestly love my husband...whether that makes me weak or not....time will tell.
So, caged is a good word....caged in a purgatory of emotion, caged in an environment that I have to see HER, caged in daily activities that I know my husband shared with HER...caged.
All I want to do is break free.....like most people being forced to experience this horrific pain.
very true!
This is completely true. My husband told me about the affair and broke it off with the affair partner for 7 months.
However, he began contacting her again and when everything came out--including his relapse--I found out MANY
untruths in his first confession. All of the revelations were far worse than I had thought previously, not the least of
which was the fact that she had been married when the affair began, even though she had divorced before I ever
knew about the affair. It had actually begun 1 and 1/2 years earlier than what he had first told me! It has been
almost 2 years since I found out about the affair, but only 7 months since I found out the actual truth. It very
much makes the healing process start from scratch.
What is healing?
By Rutendo
Couldnt agree more with what John0501 said. In my case husband didnt disclose everything that had happened and I kept on bumping into text messages, emails, bank statements, gifts, and women he had affairs with turned up at my house and despite all that he continually denied that he had anything to do with them. I then sat down and cried out to the Lord. I came to a point where I realised that healing was for me and not for anyone else if I had to get healed then I had to do it with or without full disclosure. I also realised that if I had to progress in my path to healing and freedom then I had to give God all the pieces of my broken heart so that he could mend them whole again. As for my lying husband I came to a conclusion that if he chose to lie to me that was his business between him and God and that one day he will stand before the judgement seat of God and give an account of himself. That freed me and set me on a path that I am walking today - towards total healing. Once in a while things flare up in my face about his sordid past, but guess what I have told myself that I am more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus and that he cares for me and is concerned with what happens to me. When I was a young girl I was playing near the gate with my brother, my arm was caught up in the grill on the gate, I got a big wound diagonally across my right arm, it was bloody and painfull and raw flesh was exposed. I cried and writhed in pain, taken to hospital, wound dressed up and was given pain killers. Now 40 years later all I have to show for it is a scar. Once in a while people ask me about this scar and I tell them what happened. I no longer talk about the pain I experienced because as far as I am concerned that pain was dealt with and I was HEALED. The same will happen to you and me if we are hurting from the pain of betrayal - one day we will be able to talk and just refer to it and the sting of the pain will be gone because HEALING would have taken place. I have chosen to forgive although I cant forget and I have told myself that healing is a journey and I will take every step to complete it.
Key......admitting that 'I'
Key......admitting that 'I' may not be right. This tugged at me for decades! 25 years I never dealt with us because I would not admit I was wrong and caused the riff to start with. Simple stubborness. And the fact I'd have to admit my contribution. Yes, I was insecure enough to think my man might cheat, and in that I falsely accused him of horrid things he NEVER did, and in that drove him out of my heart! I finally let him back in...........26 years later. He waited for me, my proof of his love and dedication. after 27 years of marriage we (for the 1st time ever) were making love 3-4 times a day! I could finally let go and heal. Trust and love for the 1st time in my 45 years of life. 'She' made me see what I was missing.