Our Very Own EMS - Tony Fetchel

You can never tell the end of a story by the beginning… Anonymous…

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As Jodi and I headed to our own EMS, we were completely numb. We were so tired of the fighting and the distance; something had to give. We didn't know if it was going to be our marriage that was going to give, or if it was going to be the despair and hopelessness that both of us felt every single day. We had found Rick and Affair Recovery by accident since the other professional we had seen labeled us “out of his league” and that we needed “special care", which all but crushed Jodi and me when we heard those words. My affair was a very public and very messy ordeal, and we needed a safe and private place we could trust.

As we entered the room, we were late. Everyone had already told their stories, and out of fairness, it was now our turn. When we did, I could feel many of the men take a deep breath, feeling better about their own stories since the entrance of mine. Many of the women looked at Jodi as if to say, “wow, how are you still alive and with this man…”

Many of the women looked at Jodi as if to say, “wow, how are you still alive and with this man…”

Nevertheless, she was, and it was time to move forward in one way or another.

I had made a decision to surrender control and have a beginner's mind. I simply was at the end of my rope and approached it with absolute dependence upon God for help. I had given up trying to save my marriage as all that I did was wrong, however pure my motives. My best efforts kept failing miserably. I had reached the point where I was willing to trust the process with the experts and hand over control to God. It's funny now, almost six years later, our marriage has been completely transformed. I had no idea that was what awaited us as we went through that course, but it “trampolined” into recovery and healing. It took courage on both our parts to merely attend EMS, let alone participate, since we were so spent in our own strength. But as we did, it was like the lights came on inside my soul. Each day there was clarity and insight and healing. As I allowed myself to heal, despite the struggle and pain, it was as though the light in Jodi's eyes began to return as well. Before you knew it, we were laughing and joking (we were laughing and joking, but we still had many untouchables that we didn't talk about or joke about whatsoever). Yet, there was a calming effect that took place while we took the time to talk through the exercises and visit with the other couples.

Six years later, as God would have it, I now work part time at a church with another individual who was at that same EMS. I had no idea that there would be a long term friendship established at EMS that continues to be a source of accountability and support for both of us.

We truly didn't know what to expect by attending the seminar. We were desperate for some sort of expert professional help that could speak to the issues hiding out in the canyon of distance between the two of us.

Just yesterday we had a fight that was nothing about our past, but recent miscommunications. I can tell you that my immediate reaction was nothing short of sub-par. Yet, after a few moments and a quick recollection of the tools and resources we learned at EMS, as well as what we have been healed from, it was a quick fix to restore our intimacy and joy.

What I learned about Me at EMS

If I'm being honest, like most betraying spouses, I was convinced it was going to be a brutal weekend where I was shamed into more condemnation and self-hatred due to my previous choices. Just as I was certain that I was going to be examined and opened up like a cadaver and explored for any and all sources of hypocrisy and duplicity. Yet I was so desperate for the marriage to work, that if that was what it was going to take, I would have allowed it all to save my marriage and family.

What I was met with was nothing short of compassion, understanding, and grace. Amazingly, there was not a shred of shame or condemnation that came my way. Any I felt was more of a result of my own self rejection and deception. In fact, when the shame did come up, much to my surprise, Rick and his team actually helped to unpack it and help me see what true forgiveness looked and sounded like. As Jodi and I went through the sessions, it was pretty overwhelming to understand the pure dysfunction both she and I were living in, due to my past choices, the ministry demands upon our life, raising three young kids, and errant theology.

I think for the first time since my affair became public, I actually felt safe and actually felt like I was okay, and that our marriage had a chance to be okay as well.

I think for the first time since my affair became public, I actually felt safe and actually felt like I was okay, and that our marriage had a chance to be okay as well. Those feelings alone were priceless and brought peace to me in a way that the antidepressants and alcohol were never able to provide.

What I learned about Jodi at EMS

I had no idea what an amazing woman I had married. Though my choices destroyed her world, Jodi had the courage to accept the carnage and begin picking up the pieces of my mess to rebuild her life. Her strength and resolve shocked me. I never truly grasped her strength until we took part in a few exercises unique to EMS. I heard it said once, "if she was simple she wouldn't be amazing…and if she's not amazing, you won't stay interested." At EMS I began to realize how truly unique and special Jodi is. My distortions of reality clouded my ability to appreciate her and love her. Even worse, the way I treated her caused her to lose sight of her own dignity and worth, both as a mother and as a woman. Thankfully, she used my failure as a way to find a new life of meaning and purpose.

What I learned about our marriage at EMS

At EMS no one ever said this was going to be easy and smooth sailing. In fact, both Jodi and I came out of EMS understanding that we BOTH had work to do, but that it was attainable and that there was hope for our marriage and for each of us in our own personal journey to restored health emotionally, physically and even spiritually. We were not out of the woods by any means, yet there seemed to be a roadmap to where we wanted to go. EMS helped us connect in ways that several professionals and large amounts of money had failed to do.

...Jodi wasn't trying to punish me and remind me of my failure. She was a betrayed spouse who needed a husband who would be consistent, safe, and honest so she could begin healing.

What became strikingly clear to me was that Jodi wasn't trying to punish me and remind me of my failure. She was a betrayed spouse who needed a husband who would be consistent, safe, and honest so she could begin healing. What amazed me was her ability to grieve the pain I created and to mature into a woman of grace. Her growth in no way justifies my affair, but her growth helped me heal as well. It was a true picture of harmony as we helped each other walk down this road.

It will be six years this August, since our marriage and our world completely blew up. Not a month goes by where we don't both thank God. We are not the same people we were six years ago. I honestly had no idea that we could experience this level of joy and intimacy. Six years ago when I walked through that door to EMS, if you'd have told me I'd have the life I'm currently living, I'd have laughed at you and shook it off with a "if you say so…" comment.

But remember, you can never tell the end of a story by the beginning.