Well everyone has finally gone home. It's been an amazing weekend. I never ceased to be amazed at the courage displayed by the couples attending the EMS weekend. They are living proof that marriages can move beyond betrayal.

To be honest it is easier for couples to divorce than to work through a betrayal, but at the same time divorce sucks and infidelity can be healed. In the long run there are for more reasons to work through betrayal than to divorce. These couples now have their best shot of getting the marriage they’ve always wanted. It’s strange, but frequently the crisis of a betrayal serves as an impetus to propel the marriage to new places. It’s a chance to establish new levels of intimacy. As Frank Pittman says infidelity is the keeping of secrets. Intimacy on the other hand is the ability to be “naked and not ashamed”. In other words it’s the ability to allow another to know who you are and a willingness to know who they are.

The only problem with intimacy in a marriage however is it’s tendency to  create  short term instability. Outside of marriage we tend to want what we don’t have. It’s easy to be intimate in this type of relationship. Our desire for the other compels us to share who we are in hopes the other person will affirm us and accept us and we long for them to let us know who they are.  In marriage however we generally have who we don’t want (at least during those times when our mate is a disappointment or when we’re a disappointment) and to share how we feel and what we want is frequently at odds with our mate. The ability to be honest and share my feelings, behaviors or opinions when my mate isn’t going to be approving takes a great deal of courage. For that reason we frequently avoid intimacy and settle for closeness by pretending to be what our mate wants or by just remaining silent in an attempt to avoid conflict. Who wants to let their mate know something that’s going to upset them? So instead we tend to avoid intimacy in marriage.

The couples at the EMS however are an exception to that rule. They naturally go where most couples fear to tread. They become real and transparent, in the safety of the weekend, and address the issues that have seemed  impossible forto address. While confronting difficult issues is frightening and destabilizing in the short run, it creates an amazing since of accomplishment and leaves the couple empowered in the long haul.

Each time I witness couples, such as the ones which blessed us with their presence this past weekend, tackle the most painful aspects of their marriage, I come away amazed.