Can an affair really SAVE a marriage'?
In her new book “When Good People Have Affairs” - Mira Kirshenbaum argues that while infidelity is wrong, affairs don't have to be disastrous: it's how we handle them that matters. And one of the worst things we can do is feel guilty.
Not having read the book it wouldn’t be right to endorse or not to endorse Ms. Kirshenbaum’s work, but having read her article about the book there were many points where I agree, but one point in her article where I disagree. It’s on the issue of honesty.

According to Ms. Kirshenbaum “Guilt often leads people to confess to their affair. My experience has convinced me that this is a huge mistake. Owning up is totally destructive. Honesty is all very well, but not when it comes at the price of your partner's trust and peace of mind. There are two exceptions: if you haven't practiced safe sex, or if discovery is imminent. The real reason why people need to be relieved of the sense of guilt and shame is that it's paralyzing and leads to people behaving rashly just to feel better. However, you can decide what decision is best only when you understand why you had the affair in the first place.”

I would agree that honesty for the sake of ridding oneself of guilt and shame is totally self-centered and contrary to love, but there are other reasons which would require honesty the vast majority of the time.

For instance, would your mate want to know? To control and manipulate your mate by the flow of information and rob them of their ability to make an informed decision is also self-centered.

Not telling robs your mate of ever having the opportunity to love you unconditionally. I never understood what true love was until I was able to be honest with my mate. I learned that I could never be loved unconditionally if I only conditionally let my mate know who I was.

Intimacy is the ability to allow another person to truly know you and a willingness to fully know the other person. Infidelity is the keeping of secrets. The problem with not telling is it robs both wife and husband of being able to have the intimacy they both long for.

Ms. Kirshenbaum is correct in her observation that infidelity destroys your mates trust and peace of mind, but the problem isn’t the honesty, the problem is the infidelity itself. If I didn’t want to hurt my mate I should have taken a different course of action.

No person would willingly choose to go through the pain created by infidelity, but with help and support the couple can find a far deeper and more meaningful relationship. There are far worse things than the loss of trust or peace of mind. To me living a lie or in a lifeless relationship is a far greater loss. If we can be honest at least we can have the opportunity to find real trust and a new peace of mind based on reality not a lie. We have a chance to experience true love. .