"When Good People Have Affairs"“When Good People Have Affairs” Several weeks ago I made a post on the book, “When Good People Have Affairs”, by Mira Kirshenbaum. That one post managed to make last week crazy. Little did I know what that one blog post was going to do. On Monday, July 14th, Fox News called and asked if Stephanie and I would be willing to come to New York City and explain why I didn’t agree with Ms. Kirshenbaum. That conversation set off a whirlwind of activity. Stephanie and I flew out on Tuesday and appeared on the show Wednesday morning, July 16th. (Thank God for my wife who’s willing to be flexible). Of course that meant I had to finish reading Mira’s book which, to say the least, was interesting. I think in many ways Mira represents what many believe today about infidelity. For instance: forgiveness is a talent, it’s better not to tell, affair partners and marriage partners can be compared, couples rarely work through the trauma of an affair. In my experience that’s just not so, but that seems to have been Mira’s experience. As my dear wife pointed out in the interview, forgiveness isn’t a talent it’s a process that all can go through. Certainly there are steps the unfaithful spouse can take to help facilitate the process, but as my subscribers to the “Affair Recovery Center” have learned, even if they don’t, there are still ways to forgive and set yourself free from the hurt. Honesty is foundational for intimacy. Lying to your mate robs them of the opportunity to love and accept you as you truly are. Why control or manipulate your mate’s choice by the flow of information? If they would want to know, why not tell them? Not telling robs you of the opportunity of ever being loved unconditionally. I was never able to be loved unconditionally as long as I only conditionally let my mate know who I was. Additionally, affair partners and marriage partners can’t be compared. Affairs are based on “romanticism” where you want what you don’t have and where you’re willing to make enormous sacrifices to get what you think will eventually make you happy. Marriage, on the other hand, is based on oneness where “you have what you don’t want” because all find that in a long- term, committed relationship it’s impossible for the other person to be all that you need. Finally, in regards to being able to work through an affair, it’s our experience that almost 90% of couples can do just that, but again there are specific steps necessary for the accomplishment of that goal. In the long run, Stephanie was the star of the show. As you might imagine I was booed by the audience, but Steph was living proof that honesty is the best course of action. Her strength and resolve were impressive. If you want to see the interview, then just go to At the Affair Recovery Center we’re about helping people learn to work through the devastation of an affair and find the marriage they’ve always wanted.  |
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Morning Show
You looked good and Stephine was definitly better actress... I wish that you had more time to talk but I agree with you - honest is the best policy even if it is tuff to do.
Take care,
Rodney
Great Job
Rick and Stephanie,
WOW...you guys did a great job and the TV show today! May God use it to lead others to the affair recovery center and to true help in Jesus.
Rick...you are totally right--Stephanie is made for TV, and you...well, you clean up pretty nice too!
We love you all and are so proud of your cutting edge work with couples in crisis!
Trey and Mary Anne Kent
to tell or not to tell
I agree with you and your wife. TELL. My husband had an affair 9 years ago for approx 3-4 years. He continued telephone contact up until the month before he told me. He is working hard and is becoming a better husband than he was 29 years ago when we married. I wish I had known THEN , so i could have had a CHOICE at the time. Recovery has been very hard for me. The woman works for American Airlines, where I was laid off from at the time of the affair. And somehow small things like this make me angry. I am working along side my husband, but he has changed for the better. Knowing what I know now, had I NOT been told is unfair. The woman that wrote the book was either cheated on or cheated and either way prefers the head in the sand.
As painful as the last six months have been, I would still choose to KNOW. My husbands' accountability and his parameters are 100% changed for the better.
Our intimacy HAS grown and our communication that was once closed is extremely OPEN.
Morning Show
I definitely think that it's best for the betrayer to confess. The betrayed always knows something isn't right, or feels that there is some kind of secretism going on. Confessing, though painful for both parties, is the vulnerability that is needed to begin to rebuild trust that has been shaken, or that was never completely there to begin with. If the betrayed is "left in the dark", there is no possibility of greater intimacy, and most often the guessing games of the mind take over and cause much insecurity. Because the betrayed knows something isn't quite right, the self talk, and guessing that goes on can eventually destroy any and all confidence that the betrayed once had. Revealing can open up the communication, close the gaps of the mind questioning, and begin to heal insecurities of both parties. So, to tell or not to tell....definitely tell. Don't continue to cause pain to your partner by leaving them in the dark.
Should you tell your partner about your affair
My husband has had two affairs and two one night stands. We have been married for 25 years. Even though this has happened, I want to remain married to my husband. I can not heal until I have the answers to my questions and more than that it is really about honesty and truth. Rebuilding trust takes honesty and sharing what you shared with your affair partner. The infidel should not keep secrets about the affair.
The video was great. Keep the information coming.
Should you tell your partner about your affair
My husband has had two affairs and two one night stands. We have been married for 25 years. Even though this has happened, I want to remain married to my husband. I can not heal until I have the answers to my questions and more than that it is really about honesty and truth. Rebuilding trust takes honesty and sharing what you shared with your affair partner. The infidel should not keep secrets about the affair.
The video was great. Keep the information coming.
Should you tell your partner about your affair
My husband has had two affairs and two one night stands. We have been married for 25 years. Even though this has happened, I want to remain married to my husband. I can not heal until I have the answers to my questions and more than that it is really about honesty and truth. Rebuilding trust takes honesty and sharing what you shared with your affair partner. The infidel should not keep secrets about the affair.
The video was great. Keep the information coming.
Mike and Juliet Show
I was fortunate enough to see your interview that morning on the Mike & Juliet Show and felt it was a blessing in disguise. I live in Cedar Park, Texas and have been working through forgiveness, trust, and not doing very well with forgetting an affair that my husband had for 5 months last fall/winter. We attend Shoreline Christian Center and we are seeing a Christian Counselor in Austin but I was having a difficult time that morning and there you and your wife were as if an answer to my prayer. I totally agree with you and not the other author that the cheating spouse should be honest and confess about the affair. I wish that my husband had told me himself instead of me trying to coax him through the process. I found out a couple of months before finally confronting him with the fact that I knew everything. We are working on things but it does make it so much harder to trust when he wasn't honest enough to come clean and more concerned with self preservation. An affair is never easy for either person but the road to recovery and trust would definitely be much easier if the cheating spouse is honest and reveals the information voluntarily. It would be the first plank in the bridge to rebuilding trust and intimacy.
By the way I thought that you and your wife were both attractive, articulate and a beautiful testimony to God's grace and love for all of us. Seeing you on the show led me to find your website and both have given me additional strength to tackle our road to recovery. Please add Jason and Debbie to your prayer list for a stronger and better marriage than ever before.
Morning Show
Rick and Stephanie,
I have to say I absolutely agree with your comments on the show; I am sorry to say but Mira is totally wrong about never owning up to an affair. I could never have CHOSEN to forgive my man and try to work through the grief if I had never known about it. He also would never have known how to be truly open and honest with me, something he's discovered since this all came out. He also has experienced what living without secrets feels like - his last doctor's checkup had a 20 point drop in blood pressure alone!
My situation was slightly different since I found out from the 'other woman' and was totally blindsided; I had NO idea. Anyway it's been 3 months since I found out and we have made fantastic progress. I have regained significant trust in him and only see a positive future for us. He set strict boundaries for himself, cut ties with bad influences, made himself contactable 24/7, allowed me to "play detective" and poured out his heart, his regrets, his shame and the sincerest apology to me in a way I knew could never be an act. We are already much closer than ever before and know we will be together for the rest of our lives. Good people can make bad decisions, and then end up tangled in a web of lies and deceit. But everoyne deserves a second chance to make it up to you. Not a third.
Thank you to Rick, Stephanie and the ARC for helping on my road to recovery. I found several passages and audio clips on the ARC website that seemed to be talking directly to me; pointing me towards or highlighting specific parts of scripture or helping me see what I needed to do to move forwards. Forgiving doesn't take away the pain, but already I have found it has decreased mangnitudes over the months and I see only hope in our future.
Fox News interview
Hi Rick and Stephanie,
It was so nice to see the two of you speaking out together that marriages can recover from infidelity. We are living proof. While it's not easy, it's possible and it can get better. I'm proud of you two for speaking the truth and proving that with accountability, honesty, effort and most of all, God, all things are possible.
Thank you!
To tell or not to tell
Thank you so much for sharing on this difficult subject. I have been receiving the ARC newsletter for at least 2 years and now the segment on Fox was affirmation for the advice that my counselor gave me just last week. (Confess it all). I was the unfaithful spouse. I was involved in an emotional affair for 2 years with a co-worker. While there was some physical contact, we never crossed that final intimacy line. My husband knows about this. The affair ended, if you can say that, when the co-worker started a new job with another employer. But, we have maintained phone and email contact. I need to confess this secret to my husband, not to mention stopping the contact. We are doing much better as a married couple but these secrets are tormenting me, and as Rick put it, lying robs my spouse of the opportunity to love me as I truly am. The continued secret contact is holding me back from fully mending my marriage.
Gods timing is perfect. Thank you for the valuable and much needed advice. I would appreciate prayers as this will be a very painful confession.
Should I Tell: Hummmmm
ABSOLUTELY: Rick you and Stephanie did an awesome job on the Mike and Juliet show....so very proud of both of you....it must have been hard for you to have the audience treat you the way they did, but provo to Stephanie for her wisdom. Should a cheating spouse tell, YES YES YES, it takes away the other spouses right to choice and it leaves secrets to fuster and grow, possibly into more affairs if you keep it secret. Truth will set you free, Secret kill and destroy you eventually...
God Bless You Both and all of those at ARC
When Good People Have Affairs”
Rick and Stephanie, thanks for sharing God's light and truth in a world of darkness.