The Shocking Truth About Trust

In a recent survey of betrayed spouses, conducted by Affair Recovery, the concept of trust and how to recapture that scarce commodity was by far the most-asked question. In fact, the issue of trust was raised almost twice as much as any other question or issue. Why is that?

Infidelity has a profound impact on unsuspecting mates. Not only does it destroy the essence of their reality, but it also shatters all they hold dear. As human beings, we need others in our lives. Contrary to many current theories, we are not stand-alone beings. Life is not about individuation or differentiation; it’s about interdependent relationships. The need for others in our lives is written into the code of our DNA. The truth of this reality is plainly seen in how we administer punishment. What is the most severe punishment we can give a human being? Solitary confinement. Without human contact we simply go insane and die. Little children are placed in time-out and deprived of human contact, because this consequence takes away the fulfillment of their deepest desire. Isolation is a powerful force for altering human behavior. We are meant to be connected.

John Bowlby, a British psychiatrist, first confirmed the human need for attachment.1 This need is apparent in the young child pitching a fit as a parent leaves them in an unfamiliar situation. For this child, life isn’t okay unless they can see and feel that secure attachment. They need to know a familiar person is with them. As late as the 1960s, psychological development theory viewed this reaction as a sign of immaturity and weakness and theorized that children outgrew this need and moved into a more mature stage characterized by independence. But in the 90s, research began to dispel this “independence” belief. The same need for attachment displayed by children was just as evident in grown adults. We all are driven to need some form of attachment simply to survive.

Which brings us to the topic of trust. One aspect of a secure attachment is this commodity called trust. We need to know the person with whom we share this primary attachment—this trust—is there for us. We need to know that we matter to them. We need to trust that they will respond to us in times of need. We need to know that they care and will engage with us in our everyday lives. For most adults, this secure attachment is found in our mates—the ones who committed to us and vowed to be there for us in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better and for worse. They promised to be available and connected to us. They promised to put us first in their life, forsaking all others.

Betrayal by the mates who made those vows reveals an ugly reality about our trust: “I wasn’t first in your life. I didn’t matter. You’re not there for me. You can’t be trusted.” When the one who vowed to be our secure attachment deceives us and chooses someone (or something) else instead of us, what happens to that deep trust we depended on? What happens to that attachment? What do we do?

Harsh Reality and Loss of Trust

Those on the receiving end of marital infidelity are dealing with a harsh reality. One thing’s for certain—no matter how they may initially respond, they aren’t crazy. They may be extremely wounded and their world shattered, but whatever their reaction to this abandonment, it’s normal. Like a child exploding with pain, when a secure attachment dissolves, the betrayed spouse is rocked with pain and copes as best as he or she knows how in the moment of despair. For many, the greatest hurt is the loss of stability, security, and identity. The pain is overwhelming, leaving the hurt spouse with limited alternatives as to where to turn. Loyalty bonds only complicate their circumstances. Not wanting to respond to their mate’s betrayal in like kind, they may struggle with whom to tell in their attempt to protect those they’ve committed to (even though that person has failed in their loyalty to them). Where does one turn?

The damage done can even extend beyond the current relationship. The hurt can go so deep it prevents the injured spouse from feeling they can ever trust anyone again. Who in their right mind would ever want to go through that type of trauma? Ironically, only the healthy ones—those who were capable and willing to attach to someone—can even feel the pain. People who were never able to attach in the first place rarely feel the pain from infidelity. They have no loss at the point of betrayal because they never had anything invested to lose. Only those who know how to love and how to connect can experience the pain, but then the intensity of that pain discourages them from ever wanting to love again—and not just their mate; they may not want to ever trust again, period. They recoil at the very thought of vulnerability and the risk of hurting this way ever again.

The Three Steps to Trust...

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