Jodi and I went to the movies tonight. As usual, I wanted to see the chase em, shoot em, hunt em down, keep you on the edge of your seat, thriller. Jodi wanted the exact opposite of that. She's usually a gamer on seeing action flicks, so tonight I caved and signed up for the proverbial "chick flick." It turned out to be a great movie with a totally out of the blue plot twist. As usual, most of you reading this will appreciate the great frustration of the movie having yet again, an issue of infidelity in it. ((that's when I try not to sink into my seat with great shame and fear for being found out by the rest of the woman in the theater)) I won't give you the title of the movie for fear of ruining it for you, but in the middle the movie a love interest of an ex wife, unexpectantly dies. It takes you completely off guard and turns the movie in a way you certainly did not see coming.

It must have struck a chord in the woman down the aisle from us, as when we the audience are made aware of his death, she totally lost it. She began to sob and sob to the point where her friend had to console her, and basically almost hold her. Then, on top of such raw emotion, there was the woman in the movie playing the part with incredible precision and talent. I think I was one of about 3 total men in this huge theater seeing the movie. If you weren't crying from the movie, you were crying from the woman in the theater's emotions. All in all, most if not all of us in the movie were both in tears, and in shock. It was as if we were all in this moment of "What would have Been...." It was done so well, that I immediately found myself going to my own "What would have been moments in Life..."

My own father died in my arms, right in the middle of an intensive care unit. After a gruesome 2 year battle with cancer, he finally could not fight any longer. He was only 49 years old when he died. He did however, live a life of incredible significance to so many people. There were over 400 people at his funeral and it was touchingly, standing room only. I began (like usual) to reflect and wonder what he would think of my life now.

I'm sure he would be thrilled with my sports career, as he was barely able to see much. It was my last year of college baseball when he died. He would absolutely love my children, and without a doubt say that I married up, yet secretly say that Jodi was the one that married up. He loved me that much, and its only been since I had children that I have learned and come to understand just how much he loved me and cared for me and wanted me to be happy and secure. Though I know he would shudder at my infidelity and willingness to put it all on the line for the sake of an affair, tonight was the first night I felt a sincere faith and confidence. Some may wonder how I could make such a leap from the utter and complete failure of infidelity, to great faith and confidence??

I think tonight was a huge step for me to realize, it's just not over yet. My marriage, although still difficult at times lately, is not over, and the epitaph hasn't been written. I still have this great and amazing family in my hands, and I have the opportunity to live an accountable life of great impact and affect, in everyone around me. It's been such a journey from self hate, to genuine Christ-like love for myself, in light of the last 5 years. Certainly not in a prideful sense, for any fallen spouse will tell you it can be painful and outright drudgery to finally find yourself seeing YOU the way God sees YOU after such a horrendous fall. I can finally see myself as loved, forgiven, cleansed and offered yet another chance to fulfill and affect destiny. Such confidence is not obtained easily, nor cheaply. Faith, Hope and Love never come flippantly and seldom arise without an intentional approach.

Take the heartfelt words of the Apostle Paul in the book of Philippians 3:12-14

......Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on in order that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

The above scripture has 4 major implications for me that I thought worthy to briefly share.

1. "not that i have already obtained it....." In recovery, you never really arrive at some recovered state. I believe there is a perpetual sobriety that is played out not by word, but by deed. Life is lived out differently regardless of how many years ago "D Day" may have been. There is a way of living with guidelines and principles of accountability that you are never too old or recovered for. Even now, principles of accountability are not drudgery one bit for me. They are protective, healthy, and a complete necessity if I am going to live in spiritual and moral health, for the rest of my time here on earth.

2. "that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus" Prior to my affair, I thought I knew why Jesus had laid hold of me years ago. When it all came down so to speak, I immediately wondered if Jesus himself knew why he laid hold of me. I know now, that HE knew why then, and HE knows why now. My calling may not look the same, sound the same, or be with the very same people, but He is still the very same God and He knows why He laid hold of me. He was not, nor will ever be, shocked at my sin (then or now) and lives to make redemption possible for me. Because of what He has done for me, and in me, there will be the opportunity for Him to work T H R O U G H me, in ways only He sees fit to orchestrate.

3. "forgetting what lies behind and reaching.." This is a two in one deal. For starters, it's not that we forget what we have learned, experienced, or had to go through in life. But one of the facets in which Paul was speaking is in terms of not living underneath the shame or pain of it all anymore. Not living under the weight of it where it once incapacitated us and ruled us. Yet friends, if we are going to take on such a pursuit, though it be God ordained, you can bet we will have to at some point reach. Reaching implies going beyond our natural, normal, and comfortable self. In order to attain what He actually has for us, know for sure it will not come without reaching.

4. toward the prize of the UPWARD call of God." God's call for our lives is always up. Up in provision, up in love, up in progress, up in growth, up in understanding and revelation. He is an UPWARD God and loves to see us living in light of our eyes looking up and not down. So often we can find ourselves looking down, focusing upon our own world and our own sense of inadequacy. I firmly believe the Lord often times wants us to look up and see His greatness and His ability and His provision and His forgiveness and His destiny for US!

WHAT IS GOD SAYING TO YOU TODAY? do you need some Godly forgetfulness? Maybe you are at the point in your recovery where you realizing much of what I have explained earlier; its just not over yet! There has been no epitaphs written and there have been no signatures on the death certificate of your destiny or calling. We are all clay in the masters hands. The real question is not whether or not we are willing to be molded, but rather, what will we allow ourselves to be molded into, and by whom will we allow the molding? Will we allow our mere circumstances to mold us out of regret, bitterness or shame? Or, or will we allow a loving, forgiving, redeeming and restoring God to mold us into His creation? If we will be intentional about our decisions and our approach to God, rest assured God will then be intentional about our recovery and overall destiny.

Jeremiah 18:3 Then I went down to the potter's house, and there he was, making something on the wheel. But the vessel that he was making of clay was spoiled in the hand of the potter; so he remade it into another vessel, as it pleased the potter to make.

WE'RE HERE FOR YOU, AND WE'RE PRAYING FOR YOU!!!