In our EMS seminars that Rick Reynolds puts on so often, we have an exercise that we do with our spouses.  We basically itemize out the pain that we perceive our spouse feels and has to work through.  We then put it into words, in an effort to share with our spouse that truth is coming back into our lives and we are beginning to see just how much pain we caused them. 

As I returned home tonight, I was struck with a revelation that though I did this years ago with Jodi, I have never done this with so many that were a part of my church family.  I deeply regret I have not done this sooner.  I have no idea why, yet tonight, it would seem, the Lord has chosen to remind me of it and to cause me to put it down on paper, tonight, at one a.m.. 

This is/was/and will be forever painful.  By no means is this an exhaustive list.  Also, by no means is this an all encompassing list that could by any shape, form, or fashion, cover the pain so many of you feel.  Often times my numbers for “viewings” of this blog are off the chart.  I know so many of you from the past read these.  I also know that so many think it’s still complete crap, masquerading as brokenness and repentance, when in fact it’s still narcissism and self absorption. I know this as some of you have either told me this personally, or emailed in to inform me of your opinion.  I’m sorry you feel that way.  It is not my heart and never has been. 

Yet, part of this letter addresses how sorry I am that you approach this moment that way.  I know I am partially responsible for that. 

Some of you will read this and move on down the road.  Some of you will read this and I have no idea what your reaction will be.  Please know, as far as I can tell, this was the Holy Spirit’s idea and not my own. I have done my best, in this small chasm, to communicate the pain I feel for my failure and fall. I hope it ministers to you in a way that only Christ can, and brings some form of healing to you.  I had no idea how to start every sentence other than with the words “I am sorry.”  Should you read this from a very cynical and pessimistic viewpoint, you’ll probably interpret it to be dry, canned, and disingenuous.    I can tell you, as I wrote it tonight, nothing could be further from the truth.  I hope you can find the love of Christ and the true message of my personal repentance, somewhere inside it. 

So, after much thought, trepidation, and outright fear, here goes:

I’m sorry for every lie I told, and every ounce of pain you feel in your heart, even now, because of my choices. 

I’m sorry for how hard it is for you to probably trust another pastor, and wonder if he too, though he may speak with complete authority and confidence, that you may still wonder if he too, is leading a double life of some sort. 

I’m sorry for the anguish you felt when it was announced, if not paraded throughout the church, that I did this and this and this, and you had no opportunity to ask questions, get confirmation, or clarity.

I’m sorry you had no idea to approach me personally, and communicate just how much you were hurt and affected by my selfish choices.   

I’m sorry you were told things that were not true, although the things that are true, and Jesus knows are true, are quite simply painful enough. 

I’m sorry that the very thought of me, probably causes you to be filled with anger, and you remember every time you sacrificed for me, and every time I was unappreciative, and seemingly used you for mere personal gain. 

I’m sorry for every single time I was harsh, critical, or disapproving, yet had the audacity to call it “discipleship, “ or “discernment.” 

I’m sorry for creating so many memories of joy and love and spiritual family, only to see them torn down and replaced with new memories of disappointment and heartbreak, all due to my own fault.

I’m sorry for seemingly disappearing and bailing on you, when In fact, I was not allowed to talk to anyone.  I’m sorry I was not able to communicate my own pain and my own shame to you, personally.

I’m sorry you had to hear about my fall, from someone else and not from my own mouth.

I’m sorry you felt completely abandoned by one of the closest authority figures you ever had in your life that took so much effort to allow in, in the first place.      

I’m sorry for the rejection you felt by my disappearing, yet I wasn’t rejecting you at all.  I was unable to get to you, and I so wish, and pray, and hope for a day to communicate this to you, personally.

I’m sorry for any and all mistrust you feel towards the church in general, and for the emotional energy it takes for you to get up, go to church, and endeavor to trust once again.

I’m sorry you also feel the urge to doubt so many authority figures’ genuineness, because I helped create this distrust, by my sin and duplicity.

I’m also sorry that I allowed so much of our little world to revolve around me and not Christ.  I’m sorry that I preached such a man-centered gospel, rather than the only true gospel, which is that everything is centered around, and revolves around, Christ and Christ alone.

Furthermore, I’m truly sorry for not preaching to you the true love of Christ, that is completely unconditional and without need for performance. 

I’m sorry, and want to repent to each and every person we asked to leave the church, because they wouldn’t do things OUR way, or MY way, or “spiritual family’s way.”  That was stupid, controlling, and manipulative.  It was completely void of unconditional love and acceptance, and not the true message of Christ at all.   

I’m sorry that I opened up my family to you, and allowed you to grow close to my children, only to see them ripped away so abruptly, without a chance to say good bye and hug them.  They are truly blessed by every ounce of time they spent with each and every one of you.  It was grossly unfair, not to mention heartbreaking, to see them be taken away so quickly, when so many of you loved them and cared for them, and took great pains to treat them as they were your own. 

I’m sorry you feel now, that almost all of the love I showed you and attention I payed you, was simply to get you to do something for me or my family, or our self proclaimed “spiritual leaders.”  That was out of line, selfish, and complete lunacy.

Nevertheless, I’m sorry that is so very hard for you to believe that I genuinely loved you and truly thanked God that I was chosen to play a part in ministering to you.  If we spent any time together at all, I cared for you deeply and personally, and one of the biggest regrets I have, is that I cannot change the fact that though I fell (walked actually) into great sin and shame, I truly did care for you and love you dearly.  But I realize that this precious memory, has been stolen from both of us, by my actions, and by the enemy. 

I’m sorry for all the times I sat back, allowed the church to use you for all you could give and “serve”, and then allowed you to go home without being thanked, appreciated, affirmed, or much less, PAID. 

I’m sorry that many of you doubt the genuine miracles that happened with you and I and Christ, and the way God truly moved in your life when we were together.   I’m sorry that you question that, all due to the fact of how could it be true, when behind the scenes I was in complete sin.

I’m sorry for my arrogance and self absorption, that was called “spiritual authority,” and “leadership.”

I’m so very sorry you have so much to work through emotionally, in an effort to get to the truth, while probably almost making you not want to know the truth because it takes so much energy and pain to weed through it all.

I'm also sorry you probably just wish I would "go away" so you could get on with your life; yet even this letter serves as an inconvenience to your healing and attempt to  move on.    

Finally, I’m truly sorry my name and my life no longer bring back joyful memories and are not more of a blessing to you right now.  I’m sorry that I now live so far away from so many of you and have so few opportunities to communicate these things to you personally.  Should the Lord allow it, and should you desire to reciprocate, I am 100% committed to simply repenting to you, face to face, and reconciling, while giving you and I an opportunity to allow Christ to heal both of us in a new way, some way, or any way.

Most of all, I am sorry I hurt you, or broke you, or wounded you, or scarred you.  I pray for all of you often.  Yes you.  If I close my eyes, I can see you.  I have dreams about many of you quite often, and it's not uncommon to wake up grieved by how you must feel because of me.  I know you are there, and I am fully aware that I had an affect on you in a way that has left a painful residue in your life, and I'm so so so very sorry for that.  

And I know that if I'm being honest, this may in fact stir up much more pain, anger, and hurt….., but I pray that God is able to speak to you, and comfort you, and that ultimately you are able to find healing in the eyes and arms of Christ like never before.