I have had the absolute worst kind of day. It would be a waste of space to take up so much room with all the drama I have encountered today. I'll simply focus on one thing: being done wrong. It was and is a business deal, and I feel taken advantage of like few times before. You can tell I have not found peace on the situation just yet....

As I was seething mad earlier today, I began to feel this sense of anger and enticement to react in like manner. That's when we lose. As people, spouses, and most of all as Christians. The whole experience of today....(yep, you guessed it)....reminded me of our exposure and embarrassment, when my affair was made public. If there was a manual written on how to handle a high profile pastor falling, ((and falling hard at that)), it would include a chapter on what NOT to do. Jodi and I's experience would certainly qualify for how to mishandle both people, parishioners, spouses, and families, when infidelity has occurred. Trust me, I needed to be rebuked and dealt with by God; and I was. Yet the powers that "used to be" in my life, took it upon themselves to decide how God was going to deal with me, publicly, aggressively, and might I add, shamefully. To this day, so many only know one story, and have no idea of the truth of what did happen. They were told some complete fabrication of lies, that I dare not type them to do them any kind of justice. It is completely and depressingly grieving, yet in my heart of hearts as they say, I have found the grace of God to forgive them and move on.

It was painful. It was embarrassing. It was an amount of shame and condemnation I don't ever want to feel or face again as a pastor, spouse, father, or human being. And I'm quite sure that that was part of the reason for the Lord allowing such injustice; so I would learn and see how I put the most valuable and important people in my life, in jeopardy of someone else's decision making power, and harmful mismanagement. By the grace of God, never again.

Don't mistake my comments to in any way endorse my fall, or overlook the fact that I had a two year affair, and brought incredible shame to myself and the pastoral position I once held. Not in any way do I have any soapbox WHATSOEVER to stand upon and cry aloud for how I deserved so much better and everyone needs to feel sorry for me. The above description is simply a backdrop for what I felt (and am still feeling well into the late-evening) from today's events.

However, right in the middle of the day, in the middle of my anger, offense, and trip down memory lane, the Lord reminded me of a scripture that I held on to, when I had originally fallen just 3 years ago. I've included it below.

1 Peter 2:21-24
Since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps, who committed no sin, nor was any deceit found in His mouth; and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously; and He himself bore our sins in his body on the cross, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness;

I also felt such compassion today for the hurt of betrayed spouses. Their feeling of being done wrong, in a much more powerful way. Jodi told me so much about how she felt the equivalent and then some, of being emotionally, mentally, and spiritually done wrong, BY ME. I've sat in conferences and marriage seminars and heard so much from spouses who have been done wrong in ways I care not to describe. If anyone deserves a soap box, it's them. I remember when Jodi confessed to (and justifyingly so) wanting me to suffer and feel like-pain, due to my sin and infidelity. She quickly got through that with the help of Rick Reynolds, but what wife wouldn't feel such desire, as well as a whole host of other emotions? Especially when your husband has given what was supposed to be yours, to someone else. And, to that someone else for at least 2 years. Painful in deed.

I then began to immediately feel such a sense of humility. Such a sense of identification with my sin, and Jodi, and our current lives together now. I began to feel so much hurt for people having to deal with much more than my current monetary issue at hand.

I can tell you, I have clung to the above verse. Holding on to it with a sense of great faith and confidence to know, that I, and we, and you, can put your faith in God who knows how to deal with your and my situations, righteously. He knew what needed to happen then, and He knows what needs to happen now. Jodi knows my own suffering. She knows much of my own pain. She may not be able to completely grasp it, but she can sure grasp her own pain, due to my own selfish actions. More and more I seem to grasp her pain and heartache she once felt. In no way have I arrived at it completely and entirely, and I don't think I ever will. But more and more I come to a greater awareness of what I have done and what I have committed, and how difficult it can be to completely start over.

Throughout our ordeal, I have learned more than ever, we can trust our Heavenly Father with ourselves, our spouses, and our situations. I know He is bigger than the money I may have lost today, and will lose in the future. I know He is bigger than the pain I felt through the hands of my accusers and emotional attackers. Trust me when I say, He knows. He knows, He understands, and He Feels. We can courageously give our situations and our struggles to Him, as no one will bring about the right solutions and much needed compassion, like He will.

I was angry today. I wanted to fight and wanted to plead my case for injustice. I said a few words, and I at least shared a few concerns I had. They rang on deaf ears, who didn't seem to understand or care what I interpreted them to be doing to me. Who is right, and how poorly it was handled today, is really not the issue right now; how I deal with it, and how I respond to it, IS MOST DEFINITELY THE ISSUE AT HAND. Can't I trust God to be bigger than this situation? Can't I trust God to have my best interests at heart? Can't I trust God to know that He sees this and is aware of it, is not shocked by it? Can't I trust God to know that regardless of what may be going on in my life, that He will never leave me or forsake me? A resounding YES to these questions is exactly right. You bet I can. I have seen Him handle the most traumatizing situation I have ever had to walk through in my entire life, and He has shown Himself to be faithful and true, unlike any other man, book, theory, or friend. He alone is faithful!

WHAT IS GOD SAYING TO YOU TODAY? Friends, I can assure you, God is bigger than your pain. He is not shocked at your pain and anger, even if it may very well be with God. God is not shocked if you are angry or mad at him for allowing certain circumstances or outcomes. He understands you and your pain, and understands we are but His children, frail and fragile, and certainly don't have it all together. Do you feel helpless today? Do you feel as though you are suffering from injustice? If you are, read that above verse again, and entrust yourself to Him, and pray the prayer below to Him. Commit to not trying to make another suffer and feel unnecessary pain, inspired and orchestrated by you, but trust the Lord to know your pain and know the right outcome. Trust Him to understand you are hurting, and know for certain, without any doubt at all, that He wants to heal you, help you, and strengthen you. He doesn't have such thin skin like we do. He is more than able to come to the aid of those who need Him and His grace, and feel as though they have nowhere else to turn.

PRAYER FOR TODAY..........Father, I thank you that I can entrust myself, my loved ones, and my situation to you. I thank you that I don't have to play you, or even be you. That I can leave this situation in your hands, and ask you to give me direction and follow just that. I'm hurting God, and I want to take matters into my own hands, and I know that's wrong. Keep me from that mistake. Keep me from making more of a mess of this situation, than it already is. I give it all to you Father. Help me to make the decisions you want me to make, and lead me the way you have ordained for me to go. I want to be where you want, and I want to respond how you want me to. Amen.

WE'RE HERE FOR YOU, AND WE'RE PRAYING FOR YOU.