As a marriage attempts to rebound from the effects of infidelity, it's inevitable that the hurt spouse will be watching to see if the unfaithful spouse actually "Gets It" and understands truly, what they have done. Much discussion goes on in the world of the hurt spouse, both internal and external, wondering if unfaithful "gets" how significantly they have affected others by their actions.

Let me first define "Getting it" before we go any further. "Getting it" is one of those things that can be tough to describe, yet you know it when you see it. Better said, the hurt spouse knows it when they see it. It is when the betrayer or unfaithful spouse, actually understands what they have done. They finally (as it usually takes time) understand and digests How (to the best of their God given ability) they actually hurt their spouse, and family. They are able to realize just how devastating their infidelity was and is to their spouse. The betrayer, once sobriety sets in, is able to see through their hurt spouses eyes, just how much pain and trauma they have caused every party caught up in their web of lies, deception, and selfishness. They truly begin to realize how their hurt spouse feels, thinks, and wonders about, all day long. They know that despite the fact that things were not perfect in the marriage, AND that there are always two sides to every story, AND that there are more than likely legitimate issues that need to be dealt with; they GET THE FACT (with incredible sobriety and contrition) that despite what was going on, and what the issues were/are, THEY went outside the marriage. That fact alone, removes excuses, quenches any and all blaming, and creates an opportunity for godly sorrow and honest repentance. (2 Cor 7)

This "getting it," is always marked by contrition, brokenness, a willingness to answer any and all questions, genuine heartfelt humility. They are no longer explaining away things as if to rationalize them. They are willing to focus on their sin, and their fall, and their infidelity, without defensiveness or resistance to you or professional help involved.

When this happens, wow, the hurt spouse sees hope. The hurt spouse begins to feel safe. Hurt spouse, doesn't then just magically get over it, but begins to sense that unfaithful spouse is understanding just what they have done and committed. In turn though, hurt spouse begins to go through their own metamorphosis and realization of the sin. It's really quite amazing to watch it happen, and unfold, as I have seen it first hand in my own life. I've also seen it's progress in the lives of many that Jodi and I have helped walk through it.

Don't for a moment unfaithful spouse, think that once you get it, the battle is over and you are on the road to recovery. Sometimes, once you've gotten it, there will be times where the hurt spouse will make sure you got it, and that you quite literally understand what you have done and said and committed. It took me a while to comprehend, but that sort of "testing the waters" is not driving the nail in deeper, it's merely testing the waters to see if you are safe and if you are truly aware of what you have done. It's somewhat of a tuning fork for the hurt spouse, to see if you are merely sorry you got caught, or genuinely sorry for what you have done to your spouse. If we for a moment expect our hurt spouses to react with precision accuracy or perfection, we are sadly deceived due to our own pride and self righteousness.

It is then, and only then, the hurt spouse will possibly begin to show signs of her/his true greatness and ability to potentially move past this hurt. Without this awareness and this "Getting It," it's as if the restoration is forever crippled, as the hurt spouse will truly hope for this brokenness and understanding.

Caveat--brokenness is not being a doormat, and not lying down to be run over time and time again, nor have your sin and transgression thrown in your face repetitively. ((though, for some of US, even if that did happen, we truly deserve it for what we have done and what we have committed)) Brokenness shows the hurt spouse you are safe and are no longer trying to rationalize away what you have done.

As long as we blame, we are not safe to the hurt spouse.

As long as we accuse and shift the focus, we are not safe.

As long as it is someone else's fault, we are not safe.

When we take the blame, and allow the focus and allow the animosity even, we are then safe to be around and safe to possibly consider restoration with. Without this, hurt spouse wonders if we are ever going to be worth trusting again.

Take courage unfaithful spouse.....Once I got it, Jodi in her own way began to get it too.

WHAT IS GOD SAYING TO YOU TODAY?? Unless we, the unfaithful spouse get it, we will forever put our hurt spouse on the offensive. It's weird, but it's as if we started this whole mess by our unfaithfulness, and only we can create an environment of restoration as we again, must "get it" if we are going to be a safe place or person. If not, we will be shouting from the emotional rooftops "we are not safe...someone else was and is to blame and it's not our fault or sin." We will constantly put ourselves up for prodding and testing to see if we get it, and eventually either the hurt spouse, or the unfaithful spouse, will tire and give up. One never knows how long our hurt spouse will stick around to see if we get it. As time waits for no one, some times a hurt spouse will run out of time and patience, and due to our own selfishness and stubbornness, we will have missed a monumental window of time to save our marriage and preserve our family. If you are not getting it yet, I pray you do. I pray you ask God to show you what in fact, you did. For me, getting it came through professional help. I was not open enough or sensitive enough to hear it from the Lord in my own awareness or conscience. I played the blame game for a while. I shifted the blame and focus for a while. I was defensive as all get out, not because I was justifying my actions, but because I didn't understand that Jodi needed to talk about it, in order to heal from it and move past the hurt. It was through professional help and counseling that I was truly able to arrive at awareness and ownership of what i did. I'll never forget a time that was just one of many that helped me. I was having lunch with a pastor friend I made during this beginning time of healing. Jodi and I were at a troubled crossroads of whether or not we were going to make it. AS I was venting to this gentleman...he heard me out, then paused and absolutely told me the truth. He said "Tony, sometimes I don't think you quite understand just WHAT you have actually done. Have you any idea what you have truly done to your wife?" This man truly cares for me, and was so honest and so up front, it saved my life and marriage. That was just one of many times that the Lord used another man or woman to help me sober up.

I now rejoice, not that you were made sorrowful, but that you were made sorrowful to the point of repentance; for you were made sorrowful according to the will of God

2 Corinthians 7:9