Just last week, was three years to the day, of our own personal "D-Day." For those of you who may not know the web site-lingo yet, the proverbial "D-Day" is the day that I, the betrayer, had to come home and tell Jodi of my 2 year affair. It was one of the worst days of my life indeed. Surpassed only by the days my which father, step-father, and grandfather died. That's another blog on another day.

Life had been so busy this past month, that the day snook up on me and it didn't quite hit me until the very day before. How did we celebrate our "D-day," well, wouldn't you know it, we were taking part in an E.M.S. (emergency marriage seminar). What a testimony, that on our anniversary (oxymoron is an understatement), we were sharing our story of my fall, and our recovery, to this group of like-minded and situated couples. I'm quite sure, they too will have their own "D-Day" as well. When I realized the date, I was overcome with soo many emotions right there in the E.M.S., but none so strong as pure sobriety and overall surreality. Many who have trodden this way before have stated early on that at the one and two year anniversaries, it continues to be painful while, and the memories, emotions, and images are all still fresh. At three years, it's been rumored to dissipate quite a bit, lending itself more towards sobriety, regret, and overall emerging health of the relationship. At five years, it's strongly rumored to be light hearted, and even humorous to look back at the stupidity, ignorance, and dysfunction while maintaining a God authored sobriety which stays with you the rest of life on earth. Trust me when I say that I know, without any surprise, that a mere 3 years of recovery is but infantile in the grand scheme of health, healing, and triumphant conquering of infidelity's long lasting effects.

I can only speak to three years of our journey, and it's been filled with more than enough regret and sobriety than I care to describe. However, I thought it so life giving and life sustaining, to look at our marriage and family now, and realize just how much better off we are than we were. I am one to say quite often that we, (not culturally, but specifically Jodi and I) now live in a post-affair world, and that our lives and marriages will never be the same again. In no way am I trying to placate the darkness and hopelessness we often feel in these situations, but rather to emphasize that life is now seen through different glasses. Coming home late from work is seen differently. Our email, and text messages, are seen differently now. Watching movies, comedians, certain names, restaurants, hotels, you name it, all seen and heard through different lenses indeed.

What I often times fail to remember to say, but was reminded by Rick's wife Stephanie is, "Yes our lives will never be the same again, AND THANK GOD FOR THAT, as that was the petri dish which brought life to the pain and agony we now call our PAST." I know Jodi would shout a big AMEN, saluting the fact that our lives need not ever be the same again, as those situations and that overall climate of pain, deception and outright craziness is what produced the dust we are walking through right now. Why would we want it to be the same ever again?

Truth be told....with all due respect to the scorched ground behind us, it's far better now.

There's more work and labor involved, and a lot of water underneath the bridge of our marriage, but we have found a place where love is rampant, and restoration is ever growing. True, there are a lot more raw spots to deal with, but I suppose that is just one of the places where Grace rings so true.

So I thought I would do my best to list the best of what I've learned in these last three years, as a help to those who are early on in their recovery, as well as those who have surpassed it and are celebrating much older "D-Day's." In no way is this list for all parties, but rather, for me. For the hurt spouse. For what has brought me through these past few years, it's far from "all inclusive" and merely an aid for many of you who may be hurting even now. There's hope for you, your family, and your spouse. No matter the pain and brokenness in your heart, God is not far from you or your precious family.

So here goes:

1. I truly have learned what a completely arrogant and self-absorbed person I had become. I realized it wasn't always like that, but due to so much unchecked pride and overall lack of emotional stability, I had become a prideful, legalistic, unhealthy man. Don't misunderstand me as being someone filled self-hatred (anymore that is). I was gracefully able to accomplish some purely incredible things throughout my tenure as a pastor and pro athlete. I was able to build a house of incredible fortitude, passion, and overall cultural impact. But it was easily, ruthlessly, and regrettably torn down, one decision after another. I was the very demise to what I gave life to, never realizing it was God himself who breathed it and me into existence. It was purely His master plan, and all I did was set fire to it.
Like John Maxwell said, "It's our decisions which determine our Destiny."

2. My sin, fall, and complete failure was never just about ME. It was about so many relationships caught in the impact and carnage of my sin. The wrecking ball that I allowed myself to become, provided ample opportunity to temporarily wreck so many lives. It's taken every bit of the last three years to find freedom from guilt and condemnation, while still finding peace in the pure, unadulterated, God-inspired, gut-wrenching conviction of my sin. I embrace the conviction and realize it's from the Lord. The weight of the impact of my decisions has affected so many lives, even to this day, and it's a residue that will never leave. A divinely inspired residue I believe, left to remind me of the pain I, or anyone else, is able to cause, if we are left to ourselves; unchecked, unverified, and alone.

3. I've realized so much about personal responsibility. About having to face the reality of my sin and shame, knowing there is a ton of people to blame, all of which pale in comparison to the truth that I did what I did and said what I said, and committed what I did, and the blame STARTS with me, and unfortunately, ENDS with me. I've had to come to so much sobriety and self-realization, all while still attempting to move forward in recovery. And although I have had innumerable moments of emotional pain, and overwhelming feelings of guilt and remorse, (certain chunks of time on anti-depressants to boot), I've had to get up every day and go to work. My three small children and wife need me to carry my load, bear my responsibility, and ultimately trust the Lord. Wallowing in the mire of feeling sorry for myself will do none of us any good and only prolong the depression and paralysis. Rest assured, I have spent many a hour, or afternoon, parked in a field, windows down singing, crying, blaring music, reading the bible, hoping for God to make sense out of it all. There have been more than enough moments of confusion, marital uncertainty, and overall desperation. But it's all been about our recovery and ability to trust God, trust Rick (as after being disowned by every father figure in my life, it has been tough to overcome, regardless of who's fault it is for that), and overall, look to a God who loves me, cares for me, offers restoration for me, and will be with me every step of the way. Purely amazing in light of my sin and what I truly deserve.

4. This one may be a bit controversial, but I'll launch out anyway. It's been completely liberating and divinely comforting, to know that Jodi and I, in reverse, can see how we both aided and abetted the creation of the affair. I'll continue to sound from the mountain tops "I was set up." Yet ever so loudly and equally, I'll continue to shout "I took the bait-it's my fault, I take all the blame..." As quasi-humorous as that visual is, friends it's altogether a work of pure grace and brilliance that we both share the responsibility for an emotional and spiritual climate which gave soil for the cancer to grow. I must reinforce the point that neither Jodi, nor anyone (besides satan himself) is to blame for my choices and overall duplicity, however there were thorns which made it easier and easier for the cancer to find momentum.

5. Finally, I have found a great appreciation for the process involved. What I mean specifically is, I once would freak out and totally find myself reeling when Jodi seemed to be having a tough day. When she would be filled with reminders, or caught in feelings that would overwhelm her, I found myself wondering if WE were done for and if I should start packing. That we were living a farse indeed. I have learned so well, that though we have a terrible day, or even dayS, that does not make up the totality of our momentum and overall recovery process and overall journey. It simply is a bad day, where the affair and strategy of the enemy, got the best of us. We win when we refuse to let it define us, or cause us to lose hope and think it will be this way forever. That simply is not true. Though we may feel the weight of the sin, and the cost of the sin, and even the confrontation of life NOW, it in no way means we are helpless to change, or find rest and recovery in the arms of our God. He is simply bigger, more powerful, and more enduring than any one day in the process.

WHAT IS GOD SAYING TO YOU TODAY? These are but five principles I have come to find as pillars in the support system of our restoration. I'm sure many of you far beyond our mere three years, have much to share about this. I'm more than confident that many of you hurt spouses have several points of sobriety and acceptance which you live with every day that I am unable to put words too. Some of them will change and some of them will stay the same I am sure. Some of them may even be filled with rage, anger, vengeance and trauma. To think they would not be is lunacy and insensitivity. God is big enough to handle them and help you to walk through them, finding truth, clarity and peace, all in the same process; sometimes all in the same day even. I have seen Jodi find more than enough clarity, and peace than many will ever be able to understand due to God and his agents involved in our recovery. In the case of Truth, well, I think the truth of who I was is enough truth to make any woman want to leave and never come back. However, the truth of Jesus, His grace, and His barely describable power to redeem sheds light on the truth that God is bigger than our flesh, and even bigger than our affairs. He is bigger than our worse-ness, and he can and will make a way for our complete recovery, redemption, and restoration.

I leave you with a scripture so eloquently describing the process and vision to see your marriage and family saved....

Hab 2:3

"For the vision is yet for the appointed time; It hastens toward the goal and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; For it will certainly come, it will not delay.

WE'RE PRAYING FOR YOU, AND WE'RE HERE FOR YOU.