Lack of Safety in the Relationship
My father is a brave man. While I was still, a boy he gave me the keys to our boat. I was 12 at the time and full of confidence. My friends were impressed and constantly wanted me to take them out skiing. I remember one particular day when I wanted to impress the passengers in my boat. I decided to give them all a scare by driving full speed straight at the shore and then, at the last second, throw the boat in reverse to avoid ramming the shore. My plan was a thing of beauty. The girls were screaming, the guys were yelling; I threw the boat into reverse only to find that I had failed to lock down my outboard motor. The result of my failure caused the motor to pop out of the water (leaving me with no breaking ability) as the boat hit the shore at approximately 40 miles an hour. What happened next was impressive. I managed to drive that 17 foot fiberglass boat about 20 feet onto the shore. I panicked; I couldn’t even imagine what my dad would do if he saw what I’d done. I ordered my five friends out of the boat and ran up and down the shore finding additional manpower. Within 10 minutes, seven other strapping young boys and myself lifted the boat and carried it back down to the lake. When I told my friends to load up, that we were going back out, they looked at me like I had a hole in my head. “Are you nuts?” one of them said. “I’m not ever going back out with you. You’re not safe”.
Now that I’m older, I can’t say that I blame them for not going back out. They were right; I wasn’t safe. In fact, if I had ever seen my kids pull a stunt like that, I’m sure that I wouldn’t let them take the boat out ever again. My foolishness not only put me at risk, but all the passengers in my boat. I wish that was the only time in my life that I put those that I love at risk, but it is not. My recklessness in life led to my infidelity, which put many lives at risk. How in the world could Stephanie and I go forward if she couldn’t know that I would be safe after the affair?
Surviving an affair requires the creation of a safe space just to begin to explore the possibilities of reconciliation. Without safety, how can a couple begin to even be authentic with one another about what has happened and what is needed? Both husband and wife need to know that the other will be committed to the relationship while the two of them give it a fair shot. What follows are suggestions for commitments that each need to make to provide the necessary safety for a marriage to move forward after an affair.
Marital Boundaries:
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Removing the third-party from the relationship. In order for the hurt spouse to reengage with their mate, they need to know that the unfaithful spouse will terminate (at least for a season) the relationship with their affair partner (AP) (if there is one) or other extramarital behaviors. Whatever caused the break of the marital vows needs to be stopped.
- Who do you tell? For the marriage to be safe enough to even explore if there is anything worth salvaging, both parties need to protect the marital boundaries by limiting whom they talk to about their situation. We all need safe people to talk to, and processing with others is critical to healing. I recommend that both the unfaithful spouse and the hurt spouse identify 1 to 2 people they would like to be able to process with and do their best to agree on who these people should be. It’s best if these individuals have either successfully worked through a betrayal or who are going to be supportive of both parties, regardless of what happens. Once it’s established who’s on the approved list, both parties need to limit conversations about what’s happening, to those people.
Telling anyone who will listen about your situation isn’t healthy for you or your mate. You’ll never be able to take it back, and it’s very disappointing how some people respond.
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For the relationship to be safe enough, children also need to be protected. Far too often a husband or a wife will bring the children into the strife either as a confidant (which is called spousification and is extremely abusive to the child) or they will threaten to tell the children what’s going on as a way of manipulating their mate. At other times, when stress is high, one of the parents will unilaterally tell the children they are getting divorced and throw the children into their own chaos, only to later change their mind when things calm down. For safety’s sake, both parents need to agree not to involve the children until the agreed upon time period is complete. If, for some reason, the children become aware of what’s going on, read the earlier newsletter entitled “Telling Your Children After the Affair Doesn’t Always Turn Out As Expected”. This will give you suggestions of how to work together in helping your children after an affair.
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The work place can certainly present challenges for making the relationship safe. For the hurt spouse, it may serve as a trigger and create emotional flooding, especially if the work place is associated with the infidelity. The unfaithful spouse needs to do what he or she can to create a safe situation at their work place for their mate’s sake. Also, the hurt spouse needs to be considerate of their mate while they are at work. Continually badgering their mate while at work can jeopardize the financial safety for the entire family. As much as possible, the hurt spouse should allow their mate to fulfill their responsibilities beyond the marriage. As with the children, make it safe by not allowing marital problems to leak into the work place.
Consideration and Respect:
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Be considerate: The deception associated with infidelity destroys trust. The unfaithful spouse can provide safety by determining (observing their mate, listening to what’s bothering their mate, asking their mate, etc) what actions or situations are making their mate anxious and altering their behavior to help with their distress. In order to show they have nothing to worry about and that all third parties have been cut off, I recommend granting access to cell phones, e-mail accounts, social media, and any other methods of communication that might create fear or anxiety. If there are places or situations where acting out has occurred (such as bars, the gym, running groups, etc.), do everything possible to either eliminate this situation or develop a joint plan to minimize risk. These efforts provide tangible proof that the unfaithful spouse is making efforts to alleviate their mate’s distress after an affair.
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Be respectful: It’s tempting for both parties to bludgeon each other with words in an attempt to transmit the pain they’re feeling after an affair comes to light, but to make the relationship safe, both parties need to make a commitment to be respectful. Failure to do so creates instability and prolongs healing for all involved. This one can be difficult because the hurt spouse is already feeling disrespected and the tendency may be to treat their spouse the way that they feel. Two wrongs don’t make a right and the road to healing will be traveled more smoothly if restraint is used in this area. I realize this is a big request, but we’re talking about how to make the relationship safe. My recommendation is that you make that commitment. No verbal abuse. Name calling and degrading comments only continue to wound and cloud judgment when it comes to determining what’s the best course of action. Having rational conversations is essential if a couple ever hopes to access their ability to go forward. I do recognize that the intensity of the pain may cause momentary slips, but if a couple is committed to being respectful, at least the one who was disrespectful can come back and make amends.
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Don’t threaten: It’s not going to be helpful if threats are constantly made to move out or divorce. Both wife and husband need to take the “D” word (DIVORCE) out of their vocabulary for a specified period of time. A couple either makes the commitment to explore whether there’s something worth salvaging in their relationship or they don’t. What I do know (having gone through this myself) is how someone feels about staying or leaving the relationship after an affair changes daily (maybe even hourly). To create safety, both husband and wife need to agree to a time period where no decisions will be made about terminating the relationship. This allows a season where emotions can settle and perspective can be gained as to the best course of action for the future.
Discovery and questions:
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Due to the dynamics of recovery, there is going to be a need for answers and clarification. This means there will be questions. The hurt spouse needs to know what happened in order to move forward. At the same time, the unfaithful spouse needs to know that their mate is committed to the process, regardless of the information. This is not always easy for the hurt spouse. I’ve found that creating only certain windows of time when questions can be asked isn’t helpful, because the person with the questions builds up so much pressure that when the opportunity arrives, the questions are asked with such force that it’s hard for the other party not to get defensive. Actually, creating a system where questions can be dealt with in real time creates safety for the relationship. However, a few guidelines need to be established to keep things safe for both parties. Here are my suggestions.
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No marathoning: This is a concept I picked up from Peggy Vaughan. Any question ought to be answerable in 10 to 15 minutes. After that, the agenda has usually switched from the question to the lecture and/or commentary about what their mate has done. Making it safe enough to answer questions when they come up requires a commitment to refrain from marathoning . Attempts to get your mate to understand how you’re feeling or what this has done to you are best kept separate from the question and answer interactions.
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No deal breakers: This is another of Peggy Vaughan’s suggestions. It’s unreasonable to ask someone to answer questions if you’re holding a gun at their head telling them if they give an answer you don’t like, you’re going to shoot them. To create safety there needs to be an understanding that no matter how bad the news, there won’t be any deal breakers during the agreed upon time.
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The 24-hour rule: When it comes to information, some is helpful and some is not. For safety’s sake, after an affair people need to know what happened in terms of types of behaviors, how long it happened, the frequency of what happened, how their mate was able to deceive, how it started, if there was protection, and possibly with whom it happened and where it happened.
But, what I call comparison questions aren’t so helpful. These are questions which compare the other party with themselves. These would be questions such as what did you say to them, what positions did you use when having sex, what did you like about their body, etc. These questions create visual images that later become intrusive thoughts and make recovery more difficult. This is the main situation where I recommend postponing answers. To help protect from unnecessary intrusive thoughts, I suggest the hurt spouse, if they have comparison questions, write them out and take 24 hours to think about whether this is information they really need to heal. For the unfaithful spouse, I suggest that if their mate asks a comparison question, call for the 24 hour rule and ask them to think about it for 24 hours, and if they still feel they need that information, give it to them at that time.
Finally, remember that the purpose of discovery is just that. It is the stage where both husband and wife explore what happened in order to get their head around it and move on.
Personal Safety:
- Physical safety is a must if a relationship is to be safe enough for recovery. With infidelity comes the most intense pain most people will ever experience. That pain, along with the emotional flooding, places individuals in an emotional state they’ve never before experienced. I’ve known people who, in fits of rage, have injured themselves, physically attacked their mate, physically attacked the affair partner, and who even physically hurt the children. None of this is ever acceptable in any shape or form. If you can’t commit to be safe enough for your mate and for yourself, then the two of you shouldn’t live together, even if you’re working on reconciling the relationship. To make the relationship safe enough there should be no:
- Hurtful touching to others or self
- Threats of suicide
- Threats of homicide
- No destruction of property for the purpose of hurting your mate
- No revenge affairs
If someone is incapable of controlling their anger, they need to remove themselves from the situation which puts them and their mate at risk. This protects both parties from doing something they will later regret.
I well understand the strength of the draw for revenge for the one who’s been wronged, but if vengeance is the goal, the relationship will never be safe enough. If anger and volatility are a problem, getting professional help will be necessary to set up protocols to keep the relationship safe. Don’t take the risk of injuring yourself or others (even if you feel they deserve it). It’s not worth it.
What I’ve just written isn’t a comprehensive list, but it does address many of the common struggles couples experience when trying to make their relationship safe enough for recovery. What I do know is that making safety a priority for a couple exploring the possibilities of recovery after an affair, eliminates many of the pitfalls that cause couples to fail. For your sake and the sake of those close to you, please make it safe.
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