How do You Handle Contempt?- The 4 Horsemen Series - Part 3

While in recovery from affairs and infidelity, contempt can be a struggle for both the unfaithful and betrayed spouse. Today, continuing the 4 part video series discussing the four horsemen, I address contempt in part 3 of my 4 part video series and how to diffuse it.

GOTTMAN, J. M., & SILVER, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, Three Rivers Press.

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Awaiting the 4th horseman...

... Yeah, that sounds rather ominous, but I wanted to let you know that I have appreciated these vlogs that you have done on the four Horsemen. I look forward to the last installment.
Blessings to you & your family

Where is the 4th horseman

Thank you for these videos. I did read parts of John Gotmans book about 9 months ago and made me aware of the horseman I ride. When are we going to see a video about the 4th horseman - criticism? Looking forward to watching

Unfaithful Showed contempt 35 yrs and today after 9 months

My hu showed contempt all thru out our 35 yr marriage, intensified during the last 10 yrs of his affairs. 9 months after D day- we have come a long way from EMS weekend and counseling and reading and praying. I’m the betrayed but he has contempt for me??!!
He ( the unfaithful) prepares dinner for us. I’ve been in long Zoom National meetings stuck at home to a monitor for 2 straight w/high stress at work and been interviewing with another co. I (the betrayed ) asking about his day, “ where’d you go to lunch today?! my being interested , curious about him...he answers, out of nowhere’ keeps his chin down, cut his eyes up and answers w/ contempt , a tone that said...you idiot, I told you earlier. Why would you ask me something so stupid?
His verbal answer was the name of the restaurant. But the delivery one of such contempt. I hadn’t seen him all day. My head swirling from work and interviewing I can’t remember what was yesterday or today. And his plans change easily. But now I do recall as he tells me but why deliver in such contempt?!
It’s one thing to say it with contempt, but the fact that he would even have that emotion to answer me that way… That he would have to coach himself, I just can’t wrap my head around. At D day, I forgave him so early ( too early) I was willing to work on our marriage, I’ve had my heart ripped out, don’t know who I am at times and I met with contempt and disdain. Initially I’m calm and hurt and tell him how He hurt me by answering in contempt. Then he minimizes it blame shifts it at one point said well a little bit he was trying to let me know basically that was a stupid question since he had already told me earlier that day.
His insensitive, arrogant one reaction, not measured response, wiped all the work off the slate and put me right back at D day. I don’t know how much more I can take

Unfaithful Showed contempt 35 yrs and today after 9 months

My hu showed contempt all thru out our 35 yr marriage, intensified during the last 10 yrs of his affairs. 9 months after D day- we have come a long way from EMS weekend and counseling and reading and praying. I’m the betrayed but he has contempt for me??!!
He ( the unfaithful) prepares dinner for us. I’ve been in long Zoom National meetings stuck at home to a monitor for 2 straight w/high stress at work and been interviewing with another co. I (the betrayed ) asking about his day, “ where’d you go to lunch today?! my being interested , curious about him...he answers, out of nowhere’ keeps his chin down, cut his eyes up and answers w/ contempt , a tone that said...you idiot, I told you earlier. Why would you ask me something so stupid?
His verbal answer was the name of the restaurant. But the delivery one of such contempt. I hadn’t seen him all day. My head swirling from work and interviewing I can’t remember what was yesterday or today. And his plans change easily. But now I do recall as he tells me but why deliver in such contempt?!
It’s one thing to say it with contempt, but the fact that he would even have that emotion to answer me that way… That he would have to coach himself, I just can’t wrap my head around. At D day, I forgave him so early ( too early) I was willing to work on our marriage, I’ve had my heart ripped out, don’t know who I am at times and I met with contempt and disdain. Initially I’m calm and hurt and tell him how He hurt me by answering in contempt. Then he minimizes it blame shifts it at one point said well a little bit he was trying to let me know basically that was a stupid question since he had already told me earlier that day.
His insensitive, arrogant one reaction, not measured response, wiped all the work off the slate and put me right back at D day. I don’t know how much more I can take