Rick Reynolds, LCSW
by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder & President, Affair Recovery

Emotional Affairs: Part 3 - Will It Ever End?

Will It Ever End

As a young boy, watching my grandmother colorize old black and white photos fascinated me. Hour upon hour she’d sit at her table meticulously applying colors to the monotone images embedded on paper. A colorful imagination along with her keen eye caused decaying images to explode to life. “How did she know what color?” I sometimes wondered, but later realized that the colors were nothing more than the dynamic expression of the emotions being generated by the photograph. While the skin tones or fabric colors may not have been an exact representation, they certainly represented what she thought they ought to be. Many times in photos, and certainly in the mind of an unfaithful spouse, reality can be in the eye of the beholder.

What may seem like an odd comparison is actually very insightful. Here are some similarities between my grandmother’s colorizations and emotional affairs. Let’s begin by clarifying defining an emotional affair.

The Emotional Affair:

Involves sharing information with another person (usually, but not always, of the opposite sex) that you’re reluctant to share with your spouse, which creates an emotional intimacy that is greater than that with your spouse. Such intimacy will be hurtful and threatening to your spouse. A frequent path to an affair comes from sharing negative details about your marriage with the other person, seeking to get your emotional needs met outside of the marriage.

Knowing this, why did 80% of men and 89.3% of women who had been unfaithful identify the emotional (rather than the physical) aspects of their affairs as being more difficult to overcome? What makes breaking up so hard to do when it comes to the emotional aspects of an affair? Could it be our colorizations of those relationships? Maybe it’s how we behold the other person? Maybe it’s the chemical bond created between both parties?

Why Is Ending The Affair So Hard To Actually Do?

1. Feeling wrongly accused:

No one wants to be seen as an infidel, nor do most people just set out to cheat. In fact, if we actually saw what we were doing as “really wrong,” then we’d have far more difficulty continuing the behavior. The solution then is viewing inappropriate relationships in such a way that makes it okay with us. We do this by determining in our mind what constitutes infidelity or an affair. Just about anything you’re not doing can serve the purpose of defending why the relationship is legitimate and healthy. If we’re not talking about leaving our mate, then it’s okay. If we only want to encourage one another, then it’s okay. If I’m only trying to help them through a hard time, then it’s okay. If it’s not sexual, then it’s okay. If we’re not expressing feelings for each other, then it’s okay. If it’s not serious, then it’s okay. If it’s for business, then it’s okay. If we never say “I love you,” then it’s okay. There’s no limit to the ways we can rationalize our affairs.

2. Feeling understood:

If you believe that person understands you in ways no one has before, then releasing the affair will prove very difficult. Especially if you perceive them as good and as someone who’s looking for what you want from life. Why would anyone want to let go of who they now believe to be their soul mate and who they believe will meet all of their needs emotionally and/or physically?

3. Pride and Ego: 

Letting go can be difficult if pride and ego are involved. At that point, rationale has little to do with things. Letting go of an emotional affair is more than possible, but the only currency you can use to buy your freedom is your pride and ego. You have to first admit that you do in fact need to let it go. Furthermore, if you’ve been defending the emotional affair and constantly sharing why the relationship is okay, then at the very least, ending the affair will come at the price of letting go of something you wanted and acting in the best interest of others rather than self. After all, this is a significant component of love: acting in the best interest of another. It’s been said lust benefits self at the expense of another, while love benefits another, at the expense of self.

4.  Feels like dying:

The “high” from an emotional affair can absolutely help someone who’s been depressed or in a lifeless relationship to once more feel alive. Not just merely alive, but feel as though their life has meaning again, and that their mundane existence has been transformed by this new-found love and understanding. Just the thought of life without the high they’ve come to embrace and expect from that relationship gives the unfaithful spouse reason to resist.

5. Feeling responsible for the Other Person:

If the other person has experienced loss as a result of the emotional affair, such as the loss of a job or the loss of a marriage, the unfaithful spouse may feel a responsibility for the damage done and be conflicted about letting go of the relationship. To assuage their guilt they may try to stay in touch, believing it’s a debt they owe. The more dependent the couple has become on each other for emotional support, the more likely this is to happen. It can leave the unfaithful spouse feeling disloyal and like a failure for not upholding their end of the relationship. This sort of thinking is much less likely to happen in a strictly sexual affair since there’s little or no sense of emotional connection.

6. Changed vision:

The fantasy associated with emotional affairs often involves dreaming of a future with the other person. In doing so, they effectively write their mate out of the vision of the future. In fantasies, the unfaithful spouse can play God, deciding how the future will turn out with absolute certainty. When this happens, letting go of the other person is difficult because they no longer see any future vision with their mate appealing or even possible. The only future they see with their mate is misery, as it means they don’t get to follow the dream they now think is the only dream that will make them happy or fulfilled in life.

New Hope and Vision for the Marriage

We as human beings are poor predictors of what will make us happy in the future. How often do we fail to save for the future because we believe we know what will make us happy when we’re older? Instead of saving we spend what we have now to get what we think we’ll want later, only to find when we finally get there we’re no longer interested in what our younger self wanted.

If someone has written their mate out of their vision of the future then the couple will have to work at creating a new and appealing vision for both reconciliation and a future together.

This takes time, strategy and understanding, but is more than possible.

Another significant problem with emotional affairs is the fraud perpetrated against both one’s mate and the other person. It’s illegal to sell something that’s not mine to sell.

The truth is, our justifications are often answers to the wrong questions. When treating infidelity, the question isn’t why it is okay, but rather, why isn’t it okay? How are my actions in the best interest of my mate and my family?

Until I can understand my mate’s perspective there’s a strong likelihood I’ll feel wrongly accused and, in my mind, refuse to end the relationship on the grounds of, “I’m doing nothing wrong.” I’ll then be defensive, shift the blame, rewrite our history as a marriage, and do anything I can to justify my actions to myself and others. This will only increase the risk of deceiving myself more and more, ultimately damaging myself and my spouse emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

Next Steps for the Unfaithful

The incessant search for “feelings of being understood” may only reveal a lack of a sense of self and a dependence on the approval of others for their esteem. As long as the unfaithful partner’s core sense of self is in need of feeling understood, there will be limited hope they will be able to be concerned for others beyond themselves, except as a source for that validation. It’s important to note that this doesn’t mean the betrayed spouse has to work harder to help the unfaithful mate feel more understood and prevent further emotional entanglements. It means the unfaithful spouse must work at becoming a whole, complete person in and of themselves and stop relying on others to fulfill them.

The “high” from an emotional affair can last only so long and eventually, when true colors show themselves, reality sets in and the relationship no longer produces the same feelings. Yet, due to the dysfunction of the affair, even when the feelings fade, the cravings remain, if not intensify, for a short moment in time. Think of a drug addict who has used so much they become numb to the effects of the drug. They don’t stop using; rather they use more and try new and more dangerous ways to regain that original high they crave. The new pursuit of regaining that lost high from the emotional connection can make letting go of the relationship difficult, as well as open up new doors of self-absorption and in some cases, addiction. What’s needed is a plan to help explain and redirect the desire. Without this plan, the likelihood of the unfaithful spouse prevailing over their yearnings is unlikely. If the 3,000 or so couples I’ve seen proves anything about the unfaithful spouse and the emotionally entangled affair, it’s that their own strength or will power is insufficient to bring healing or resolution to the situation.

Until the unfaithful spouse is able to work through where their responsibility begins and ends, that misplaced sense of responsibility will make letting go difficult. This can be especially true for those individuals who easily take responsibility for what goes wrong in life. Even if it’s not all their responsibility, they take it on and remain a slave to the guilt.

As I said in the beginning, these are just my thoughts. This is not an exhaustive list nor does it apply to all people in emotional affairs, but it might help us understand why at times breaking up is so hard to do. By writing this list I am also not saying anything about the emotional affair is okay or justifiable.

If you too are in need of expert care, please consider the possibility that you need expert help and the time is now. Our EMS Weekend is a safe, expert driven intensive for even the most challenging situations. You can watch a video and read more about our weekend, our staff and our curriculum here.






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Cold Turkey

I discovered my husband's, of 10 years, emotional affair by complete accident. Before the discovery, we had never had any problems in our marriage...we both agree. The other woman was an old girlfriend that moved just down the street. She began coming around quite often. My husband began secretly texting and calling her. When I discovered the affair, it had been going on for 15 months. They never missed one day of communication during that time. He begged for sex, sent pictures of his penis and they both were telling each other, "I love you" and wishing things could be different so that they could be together. My husband refuses to see that this is an affair. They both frequently told each other that they were doing nothing wrong and that they were "just friends". He says he was "just playing a game" and only wanted her to THINK he wanted her. She says she was using him for friendship, but was hoping for more. I have since found out that this woman is the SAME woman he had a physical affair with during his first marriage, 39 years ago. Over those years, he also messed around with her on several girlfriends. My husband had a severe alcohol and drug addiction, but has been sober almost 29 years. The amount of texts (over 200 a day) and phone calls(he called her 9 times daily) show an addiction pattern. He says he was just passing the time of day. He continues to down play his actions, but knows that it has hurt our marriage greatly. He says he stopped communication "cold turkey"...it has been 18 months. I can't wrap my head around the deceit. I'm not handling his promises to, "never do it again", very well. My trust is very broken. Our lives were wonderful until this. He doesn't have any explanation for what he did, stating that "he just wanted to". He has lots of denial and still "can't remember" any details, which makes me believe the affair was probably physical as well. I want a divorce...he does not. I feel broken and like what he did has damaged our marriage beyond repair, because he will not see his actions for what they really were...AN AFFAIR. Why is he acting this way?

Emotional affair

Would love to hear the outcome

Emotional Affairs

This is the first article I have seen devoted to emotional affairs and I appreciate it very much.
I had an emotional affair first, about 10 years ago, after almost 30 years of marriage. Yes , I felt almost "dismissed" in marriage communication and wished for some deep conversations which never happened. I also felt taken for granted after so many years of marriage. The thought crossed my mind that I must have married the wrong person. One day, I received an email from a former boy-friend.
It was the proverbial "link to your past - high school sweetheart" through and internet site. The fellow lived 600 miles away and we connected through emails. My husband found out, and of course, was very upset.
At first, I wondered why because we never saw each other...so what was the big deal? But as time went on, I realized that my relationship with my husband was becoming more and more distant, and as the article said....I was emotionally and intimately attached to this other man. I did feel guilty and could see that I was travelling down the wrong road and would eventually do irreparable damage to my marriage if this kept on. So would 'he' -with his wife. Luckily, we both saw the light and stopped our connection - but that took a couple of years to do.
Sadly, a few years later, my husband made a personal connection at first, with a female who was young enough to be his daughter, in fact, she was younger than our own son. There was nothing physical here; she was just finished a year at university and was going back home, but the connection kept up with emails as well. I couldn't imagine what they could possibly have in common. He told me about it after about a 6 month time frame.
While I knew that what I was doing was wrong and admitted it and apologized to my husband, he has yet to see that he did "nothing wrong' because there was no physical contact.We spoke of both our affairs several times after the day of discovery of his affair, but in my mind, never really resolved the issue, other than stopping our behaviour. He still feels that nothing was wrong, but I feel differently. We never really delved into any self-discovery and why we had the need to seek out intimacy with someone else.
I feel that proper closure is still needed but he will not talk about it anymore because another 9 years has gone by. Our marriage has improved in many ways, but this "elephant in the room" is still an issue for me. Not for him. I'm even afraid to bring it up again at this point, because he gets upset. What should I do?

Emotional Affairs

I have to say I enjoyed this article.
I am almost 3 years out from D-Day. I thought we were doing pretty good this past year and a half but I have recently been hit again. My husband of almost 18 years is leaving. He has told me that his heart is no longer here with me and our daughter, she's almost 10, she is going to be devastated. :( He says he has been unhappy for many years but even when we were in counseling for the sexual affair he had with a so- called friend of mine, he never brought up anything. When I found out about the affair in 2012, I vowed I would do anything to keep my family together. He agreed, begged me to let him stay and now he says he hasn't been happy for a while. Once again it is because there is another woman giving him attention. Texting all day and any time away from the house. All I kept hearing was that she was just a friend, right! Told him if she was just a friend then why are the texts always deleted??? Lame excuse about his phone doing strange things. He has apparently known this woman for about 25 years and she has been back in the area for the last year and a half. The first time this happened I was a stay-@-home Mom, was caring for for my Mom who lived with us and had Dementia, dealing with my Fibromyalgia and doing the office work for our business. Yes, I unfortunately got pre-occupied and we lost connection. This time I was healing from the depression I was in from the first time and trying to rebuild the trust that was lost. My husband is the worst communicator, he bottles everything up and then puts up walls, which I can not seem to get through to this time. Once he finally opened up via texts and told me what was wrong or missing, I asked him for a 2nd chance to change things like I had done for him but he says he has nothing left to give. So because he didn't share with me why he was so unhappy, I lose my family. This other woman has 4 kids, 7-21, so how can he walk away from us and want to be with them??? I just don't get it. I never realized that you can feel real pain from a broken heart. This weekend we are suppose to tell our little girl and I honestly can not imagine how we will get through it!! Emotional affairs are definitely harder to let go!!

Great article.

I suspect that many readers would love to see more articles on the topic of emotional affairs. Social media is everywhere and now it's so common for partners to fall in love with someone online. This really helps explain why they are appealing and so hard to end. When I discovered my spouse engaged in a two week online affair I was perplexed at the speed it progressed. It went from friendly to soul mates in 21 days. I couldn't wrap my brain around it. It has been one of the hardest self esteem crushing experiences I have gone through. I felt so disposable. I couldn't understand how our life and two beautiful children could be glossed over for a women he had never met. To this day he still isn't sure if he was catfished. It took a lot of therapy to get to a good place and yet I am still very raw. I just don't know very many people who could relate so I don't share. I'm grateful for this article.

My husband is having an emotional affair with a woman he's known

This emotional affair started after being married to my husband for two months. The woman told my husband she had always liked him. He didn't think anything about him because we we're married at the time. Well, he saw her on Facebook & connected with her. He talk with her everyday and can not stop. He sneaks at night to answer her messages at all hours of the night. I finally caught on to this & confronted him about it. He was very upset with me bringing this to his attention & continuing talking to her. Will it ever stop? He doesn't want me to touch his PC I guess he think I can get in his emails & see his messages to her. I'm sick of it and do not want to deal with this for the rest of our married life. HELP!!!

Be good to YOU

I have recently discovered an emotional affair and the BIG thing my crisis counselor helped me to understand is that I HAVE to stop being so patient. If a marriage isn't a priority, it isn't a marriage. I was being patient, I was waiting for him to apologize, waiting for him to change, waiting for him to want to spend time with me, waiting for him to share.
We made no progress until I laid it down. I NEED you to make time for weekly dates. I NEED you to earn trust by providing proof and reassurance as necessary. I understand that it is unpleasant and will keep those requests for when it is very necessary. I NEED you to put me ahead of this woman. If you can't, then WE can't. Yes, at one point he packed his things. And that's what it took for him to realize he'd done anything wrong at all.
You cannot keep letting it go. It's not healthy for any of the three of you. *hugs*

Emotional Affair/ Chemical warfare

7 months after my emotional affair, and I still get the urge to contact my AP. Pathetic. The longing to see his face, hear how he is doing and what he is up to is overwhelming at times. As a grown adult, you would think I would be "over it" by now. Nope. I have to be careful of the music I listen to and even places I visit as sounds/visuals will trigger painful longings.
This was a brilliant and much appreciated article, to which I would add that a womans hormonal fluctuations over the course of a month can (surprisingly) trigger chemicals that deeply trigger desires for the affair. This may not be solid science, but I've found it to be true for myself . During PMS, estrogen and dopamine levels plunge, causing excessive crying which makes my brain "think" that I'm missing the affair. It's astonishing how biologically imprinted this whole ordeal has been plastered into the chemicals of my body. Every month my sweet husband watches me cry for 2-3 days and in his mind I'm "craving the affair". We get in heated arguments over this statement as I feel like the desires are completely out of my control. I've tried to explain to him that I feel like a drug addict who has no control over their cravings. Part of this is actually true. Thankfully I have a good support network of friends willing to listen to my flounderings so I have not made the mistake of reaching out to my AP but the temptation is ALWAYS a there.

Wife astray

Tahoe Mama...Thanks for your honesty. My wife is currently caught up in an EA with a coworker. It has been nearly 3 months since DDay, but the affair has been building up over several months. I know she is caught in this addiction. She knows it's wrong. She sees that it is hurting me and the kids. She even sees that she has created these fantasy worlds in her past. She says the OM isn't that attractive, but I can tell he is controlling and demanding (not love). I see she is feeling similar things as you are. As the BS I know I'm not in contol. I have asked her to maintain boundaries, be honest, but she can't, or won't do either. I told I've let her go and I'm pursuing my own healing. What caused you to realize the destruction you were causing? What was a breaking point? Did your mate force the issue, contact the OM? What is the most important thing as a BS do to at this point? I'd appreciate your perspective.

Please say it gets easier....

I'm drowning right now! Literally drowning:( it's only been two weeks since we cut off communications and I feel like I'm dying! Please say it gets better!:(

Yes, it gets better. All

Yes, it gets better. All break ups are hard, and none more so than the highs of an EA. Give it time.

Gets better?

Does it really get better?
It's been almost 3.5 months and it is still hard as hell. I keep hoping he will contact me. I reached out a few times and no reply. I give up, but my heart cannot let go. I cry a bit less as before but I am still sad every day and it's been so long alreDy. When does it stop hurting? When does it get better?

It takes time. Distractions help

Caligirl. It takes months, sometimes years to fade or become numb enough. If your married relationship improves, it helps fade faster - particularly if you start seeing your spouse as you once did. It's hard as hell... harder even. It hurts a lot and sometimes in quiet, desperate, lonely moments (even years later) it can come again like a tidal wave. Distract yourself with positive activities. See yourself as someone desirable and lovable. Pray. Pray a lot to be humble and have strength to see the good in your spouse or to see the learning in the the experience of the EA. I'm sorry you're going through it, but you have friends out there who understand the pain. I've had 2 EAs 5 years apart. Once when I was in a bad way with my wife and once when I was in a good way. I married at 18, became a father at 18 and 21 years later am still married to the same woman. But it's been a roller coaster. I'm just too stubborn to let it go and become a statistic. That and I still have love and respect for my wife. I really want to see her happy. It's unreal what another person from an EA can bring into your life. All the good in me was realized during those wonderful albeit taboo relationships. And nothing ever turned sexual or misconducted other than confiding in each other maybe more than 2 oppositely married people should. Get some help from a counselor. A GOOD one. They can be a huge relief during the pain of withdraw. My heart goes out to you.

Wife astray

Tahoe Mama...Thanks for your honesty. My wife is currently caught up in an EA with a coworker. It has been nearly 3 months since DDay, but the affair has been building up over several months. I know she is caught in this addiction. She knows it's wrong. She sees that it is hurting me and the kids. She even sees that she has created these fantasy worlds in her past. She says the OM isn't that attractive, but I can tell he is controlling and demanding (not love). I see she is feeling similar things as you are. As the BS I know I'm not in contol. I have asked her to maintain boundaries, be honest, but she can't, or won't do either. I told I've let her go and I'm pursuing my own healing. What caused you to realize the destruction you were causing? What was a breaking point? Did your mate force the issue, contact the OM? What is the most important thing as a BS do to at this point? I'd appreciate your perspective.

Hate him love him

I feel the same way! My spouse though doesn't know. I want to reach out but now its useless. I can't even listen to a song on the radio without crying. Even though I hate him for doing this to me, I still love him. But I now realize it was all a lie....he never loved me.

How do you resist the urge to contact your AP?

My emotional affair started 2 years ago, although we've met we were never intimate but I always wonder what if?

After drifting emails my AP finally admitted he can no longer find time for us and may or may not be in contact again. I know it's very weak but I find myself constantly wondering what he's doing, is he thinking of me, did he ever have real feelings for me, to be honest it hurts so much, especially the not knowing.

I know he cares deeply for me and I don't want to loose our friendship but how do I move on knowing he may never come back?

I'm feeling very confused, maybe someone out there can help me with my thoughts. I have a difficult marriage with two young children and know the love in my marriage is non existent, my AP made it all bearable, I really don't know where to go next.

Hard to let Go

I am a 57 yo male , married 30 years. Recently connected with old girlfriend and had emotional and physical affair. After a few months we agreed to break it off but now I'm having serious anxiety thinking about her every day, all day. I can get her out of my head because she acted like I was her soul mate and treated me as such. It was like a drug that I became addicted to and now am going through withdrawals. I have no one I can talk to about this problem. My spouse loves me very much and can tell something is wrong. How can I shake this feeling? It feels like it gets stronger with time away from her. We still talk about once a week, probably not the right thing to do. Confused.

Can't let go

I have been having an EA for 2 years now and I have been married for 24 years. I recently got "caught" by my wife reading our emails.
I need to stop the EA but I CANT. There is so much anxiety and I can't lose her. This is the worst thing I have ever had to go through. It's nice to hear from others who are struggling with this too.


I can completely relate to your feelings of anxiety of EA separation. I cannot imagine not speaking one day to mine.

Discovered EA...heart is broken

I just found an email my husband wrote to a "friend". He told her things that I consider to be more emotional than it should be. Like the article mentions, he claims it was nothing and says that it is my perspective. My heart is broken. I don't know what to do. We have tried to talk about it, but he just can't see why I am so hurt. I don't know how to move forward. I am now sad all the time and feel very emotional. I just don't know what to do to heal.

How to move on

I am a Christian woman who got married young-20 years old and have been married for 20 years. I fell into an EA that lasted one year. I met my EA partner at work (he is not married). What started out as friendship, it moved to more(not physically too much). My husband found out 2 months ago and told me I had to cut all contact off with him or he'd leave me. (Understandable) I'm not blaming my husband for this but he definitely had some responsibility in me traveling down this path. But, in the end I should never have let it get to this. So, now I'm struggling with the day to day longing. I miss my EA partner (he became my best friend)-ugh! He has respected the boundaries and not called me anymore-although he texted me 2 weeks ago sending me just a song. I didn't respond to his text. The song talked about me being the only one he wants. Bottom line, EA are selfish and I realize I have a weakness that I didn't want to admit was there. But, I love my husband and kids more so I need to stay away. I just hope it gets easier.

Wife’s emotional affair

A few years ago my wife and I decided that we would save up enough money to purchase a piece of property so that we could sell our house and build another one and be virtually debt free in 5 years. Well she blew her entire years pay 40k on what I don’t know she finally told me just before we went on vacation. We had an argument but I totally forgave her. Then 6 months later when we had saved up half that much she just quit her job and said she was staying home that sent me through the roof. I was very angry and hurt at her actions like she didn’t care about our future or our kids. I was also very bitter towards her for a long time. She then started showering me with affection and love which made me realize how wonderful she really was despite the past. In turn I started showering her with the same love and affection. Buying her gifts as well. Then about three months ago it started to change she grew distant more and more. When I tried to get her to open up to me she never would until tonight I pressed her on the issue about how I thought that she probably had feelings for someone else. Well she told me that she did and who it was. It was just who I suspected but he doesn’t know that she feels this way about him. He’s a real loser too he’s been married 5 times already and has problems with his current wife. My wife developed a friend ship with him when he was her supervisor and has a close friendship with his 17 year old daughter. She told me that she is committed to our relationship (marriage) but she needs time to sort this out. I demanded that she let me see her phone and I checked her texts but none to or from him. Help me we’ve been married for 22 years and I’m totally beside myself. I’m mad sad and confused all at the same time

Cant let Go

I am so glad i saw these other stories to explain what i am going through.Before seeing this i never knew what an EA was andd i am definitely in one that's on the verge of becoming physical.This man who i call a friend couldnt have entered my life at a better time, im in a relationship of 8 years with my daughter's father and i dont ×want him anymore but we still live together.My EA is married 15 years, and i have developed very strong feelings for him.I think of him daily i fantasize about us being together and what our life would be if we were.We txt daily most are about us wanting to be intimate with each other.In my heart and mind he is the one for me, i know it's wrong but i cant shake my feelings for him.I get sick to my stomache at the thought of him not being in my life.Any suggestions on how to deal with this.

Ending it

As the betrayed, I am confident the affair had ended. I am fairly confident it scared my husband and that he is full of remorse, guilt and shame. However, I am also sure that I will never forget. So hard to know if I should leave or stay. The relationship just feels so empty.

I understand

I feel the same way. Even over a year and a half later. It took him a year of no contact to get out of the "fog". Makes recovery as the faithful hard to find. Now there is too much defensiveness and shame from him to see a loving connected future or to feel the relationship still has enough value to continue. Still feeling undervauled and alone. Much like before the affair but now all this damage on top of it all. Hugs to you.

I am getting closer to making

I am getting closer to making a decision to end this marriage. He is sorry. He is remorseful but he continues to lie about details. I think divorce has to be better than this.


My husband met a bunny boiler who offered him expensive cars and even a lake home if he would leave me for her. She threaten to expose the whole thing by calling me. This was after a short long distance affair of 6 weeks. He had to call one of her friends to help him end it.
If anyone out there is thinking of having a Facebook affair, your life as well as your marriage could be at stake. Men appear really gullible to the lonely pretty face on Facebook. My husband learned that often things are not as they appear.


Interesting that I have heard the same reasoning for not ending the affair (#1) from my spouse who had a sexual affair for 8 years. Of course, there was no “emotion” involved in his tryst - his was just “physical”

So painful

My story.. im married 23 years. Got married young.. had an amazing 8 month EA that was also somewhat physical. He fell in love. We both did... and he wanted a future, which obviously wasnt possible. Oh how i dreamt of it.. imagined it. Wanted it. But i knew it was just a fantasy. He just cut off all contact. I feel like im slowly dying. Its been about 7 weeks. He was my best freind. Every day is so hard... does the pain ever fade? Every time i think im better.. it hits me 5x harder. The tears don't stop. He was the most important person in my life.

Did You Get Back Together

I always wonder whether lovers get together again once the dust settles. All lovers face obstacles. Did you reconnect? Did your connection deepen? Did you move on?

Multiple emotional affairs

My husband and I have always seemed to have a great marriage. Best friends, supportive of each other, enjoy doing the same things and a great sex life except for one thing....he has had multiple emotional affairs. I have recently discovered my husband has had his fifth emotional affair in the last ten years of our 15 year marriage. Each time before this last one, we have worked through it, I’ve forgiven him and had hoped it would be the last time and trust would be rebuilt between us. I thought we had moved onto a better place and then discovered the 5th affair. We are both in counseling and he is very remorseful and promises it won’t happen again but I don’t believe him as I’ve heard this same apology before. I hate to tear my family apart but I just cannot tolerate this behavior any longer nor feel I will ever be able to trust him. I’m so conflicted as to what to do.

Feeling guilty and selfish

I'm glad to stumble upon this post and to read that there are others out there in similar situations... I've been with my husband for over 20 years and recently had an EA which abruptly ended after he found out that I was lying about my real name. I love my husband and our children and this has never happened to me before ... yet, I'm devastated over this loss. I feel like a teenager with a broken heart... everything reminds me of him... I feel so guilty that I'm hiding this from my husband... I can't talk to any of my friends about it since they're also my husband's friends.

What type of affair was it?

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