I could check all but 2 of the above! The hardest part for my spouse is understanding my choice to affair had zero to do with him and absolutely NOTHING to do with the AP. It was ALL about me and my unaddressed crap that I conveniently blamed on my spouse. I has semi truck loads of baggage straight out of the gate entering my marriage and expected my spouse to be my ' be all end all' for my every problem or insecurity. Talk about unrealistic expectations and pressure on a spouse, not to mention living in fairy tale land. I had work to do on me and refused to do the work. After taking EVERY class AR had to offer there is no doubt that my selfishness and 'all about me' started from the get go. So why did I choose to do that? I didn't want to see the ugly crap in ME. It was cheap and immature just to get a few words to make me okay with me from a third party, even if it was for a few minutes to deny my junk. MY JUNK- not my spouses issues or my AP's words of crap! Words don't mean anything-actions do. I can confidently say today since I have stayed accountable with my past groups the blame game is no longer. If I'm off, then it's my junk not my spouses responsibility to fix. If AR comes to the table with a new womens class I'll be the first to sign up! Thank The Lord sweet freedom at last.

Rick,

You covered a lot of excuses and reasonings of the 'why' of an affair. Early after the discovery, the wounded spouse, wants to know everything. Answers from the guilty spouse don't always come easy. As you stated, the memory grows foggy. Cognitive reasoning was tossed aside along with moral - core values. But, I believe, if both husband and wife can sit down with a well trained professional like yourself and explore this article together - there can be some closure.

It is always my belief that healing for both partners begins with an honest assessment of the history (below the surface) for the affair(s) coupled with a deep desire for both to work on the "missing 20%" as a catalyst for growth. Both may not be ready to do that at the same time. But, if this opportunity for healing is addressed by participating in clinical sessions - Spiritual devotion - support groups that address the issue of unfaithfulness - and constant attention to 'the hard work' within the marriage, then the marriage will not just survive but grow stronger and flourish.

In reading over the different reasons and we will never know for certain 100%. The one that makes the most sense to me is the Seduction. The AP is a predator. He was our sons freshman high school basketball coach. My wife met him playing co-ed softball. His line was he was looking for a team mom for basketball team and my wife gave him her email and the rest is history. I am self employed, my wife didn't have to work and got to spend quality time with our children as they grew up, we had home 1 block from the beach, owned a boat that was kept in the harbor, members 15 years of a prestigious country club and I make more in one month than the AP makes in a year! I know my wife and she is a bit naivete, gullible, caring, compassionate and he knew exactly how to play her. She was prime prey for this guy. The affair lasted a year and I caught her with text messages from him on her cell phone. It is mind boggling that my wife feel for a guy like this. They say in affairs people don't improve up finding better people it is usually people who are much less than their spouse. Thanks for your article

Very insightful. Thank you. It helped me a lot!

THIS makes a LOT of sense; I can see my husband/his affair partner fitting into several of these categories. Thank you.

Amazingly well put! Other than the particulars to fill out the edges of each "case", I think you have hit the nail on the head, Rick.

I think what is so difficult for us "betrayed spouses" to get is that the "reasons" our unfaithful spouses give for choosing that other person are really sometimes just their excuses, and justifications, in the form of criticisms of their spouse that they had to capitalize on in order to justify this act to themselves; while the "real" reasons are oftentimes a LOT more along the lines of what you have stated here.

Anyway, hurting people, I pray you don't beat yourselves up by believing the "lies" involved in adultery. Those lies are lies that your spouse has told himself/herself in order to justify adultery. If you are married, then adultery is sin, pure and simple. Don't blame yourself. Help your spouse blame himself for his/her choices. Go way into being angry about it, and venting your feelings -- and get it out of your system, before you EVER even agree to discuss any kind of "mutual blame" for the breakdown of the marriage. You want to see that person take responsibility and work hard to win YOU back, and see them repent toward God. Wait for that. If they don't know Him, they need to, and if you both don't -- read the gospels in the KJV, and see for yourself what adultery is.

Anyone with a conscience, HAS to have had come up with "something" to use as an excuse. They peddle the lie to themselves, first; to their affair partner next; and finally to you -- when it comes out. Sometimes they peddle it to friends and colleagues and family members as well, but it is always "peddling", and it is always a "lie". The real reason they did this was because they wanted to. They were drawn aside by their own lust (even of their own mind, having little to do with sex appeal of affair partner etc.), and enticed, and sinned. You did not MAKE them do anything! Any honest person on the adulterous/adulteress side of this will admit they have come up with a justification, that involves blame, or excuses, and has nothing to do with the responsibility of this act being someone else's.

I have the unique perspective of having been on both sides of this, more than once. I know that if "I" had been allowed to vent and process the first time this happened to me as a "victim", I would not have later been able to come up with "he did it to me" as an excuse for my own affairs. If I had had my spouse (at the time) vent and process with me (after I did commit adultery), I would have dealt with "all of it", and it would have changed my thinking in my next relationship.

I believe I would have seen my own emotional affairs sneaking up on me, and prevented them -- seen them for what they were (sin) and been truly sorry to my spouse; and I might have actually seen the danger coming with my second spouse, before he cheated.

Live and learn! It's best to learn from someone else's mistakes if you can, before you have to learn the hard way.

Yes, I am a flawed person, and I did contribute to the breakdown of my marriages, through lack of communication --- but not because I did (or didn't do) x, y, and z --- excuses used by my mate(s) to commit adultery. The flaws of the injured spouse should NEVER be addressed anywhere close to the time of disclosure of an adulterous affair though.

This is a mistake I made over the past year and a half after the disclosure of my husband's adultery. My husband is still involved in his second emotional affair (long-term fantasy) and has left me, believing his problem is that I am flawed, and refusing to examine himself.

I have truly learned the hard way! And now, thanks to information, such as this article, I can begin the arduous task of healing alone, and planning not to make any of these mistakes again. I am really thankful for this article, Rick. Bless you for being on target with it! And bless those of you who are going through this. Try hard to be straight with one another. It IS sin, and it does bring forth death. Don't try to sidestep the issue and miss real repentance, healing, and reconciliation. You need to get clear of the real flaws inside the perpetrator (first that they can and will make excuses, and second that they probably don't communicate their own emotions very well, and third that they may have past baggage that has not yet, but needs to be dealt with so they can really relate to another person lovingly).

David Clarke in his book: What to do when your spouse says, "I Don't Love You, Anymore." says that you need to get out of the shock & denial -- and bring on the buried anger as quickly as possible. This would have been good for me to hear up front.

I stayed in shock and denial a LONG time in my second marriage after "discovering" my "loving" husband's long term entangled (sexual & emotional) affair (lasting 5 years total).

If I had been truly angry, perhaps he wouldn't have been able to "hide" his second (becoming long term) "emotional" affair, from me for six whole months after initial revelation, or to take six months to completely tell me about the first affair. Anger has a purpose, and it shouldn't just be a day or two or on occasion that you let it out. You need to let it out until it is gone! Don't hide your feelings and chase your adulterous spouse, like I did. Learn from my mistake. Oh sure, he knew I was mad, and in pain, but he also thought I was a nice door mat -- to take his affair with such "grace". He decided he still needed the one he "hid" from me. These really ARE "his" problems, they are sins, and they affect me. Adultery is Never "fair"; it is "cheating"... Let the anger that this causes out. There is a good chance your adultery spouse will be shocked at your righteous indignation. There is a 100% chance they need to know it exists. If you don't get good and angry, and get it out of your system, there is a chance you will not be able to fully forgive when the time comes! Don't lie to yourself or your mate and forgive early. Be real. God does understand.

Hear this article, and don't blame yourself or your marriage for "making" your spouse cheat on you. Realize they have real issues communicating, and with morality. Address this by communicating your anger (so they know it exists) and asking hard-hitting questions. Get a good counselor early on, one that doesn't have you "just hug" and make up, or be a better wife/husband.
Get a counselor that sees this as a sin problem and doesn't let up on the cheater until they break.

"I" would have appreciated it, as a cheater. It would have given me a chance to "clean my own clock" with God and get straightened out in my conscience and thinking (to really decide what I wanted to do, not just pretend everything was OK, and pretend I loved my spouse) and have prevented subsequent "sins" of adultery on my part.

And yes, emotional affairs are adultery, too. I've had both, and my current spouse has had both. I recall thinking, "If only this had 'only' been 'emotional' and not sexual, then maybe I could get over it easier." They really lie to themselves (and everyone else) if it is "only emotional", and it is actually harder for them to see it as "sin". It is. Remember what Jesus said. If your spouse is "in love" with someone else, I guarantee the lip-service they give you about loving you -- is just that, "lip service". Don't believe the lies, and get and stay angry -- until you see real changes! It's never too late to "feel" your feelings. Forgive, but not until it is "real". Give your unforgiveness to God, and tell Him what you are doing. I guarantee, if you are being encouraged to look at your "fault" in your spouse's adultery, you are setting yourself up for a prolonged amount of pain. Clean the temple of your marriage!

God bless you with healed marriage, or the dignity to walk away "well"!

I think the missing 20% is more about the percentage missing inside yourself (appreciation, humility, self esteem), rather than anything really missing from the marriage.

They both chose each other. This is the second time around my husband had an emotional affair with her. First time =maybe a mistake. Second time = a conscious choice. He knew what he was doing and so did she. Apparently the first attachment was never severed and it made it easy to re-attach to each other when he moved into her building at work. What's to keep it from being a third time? Nothing. If they want to do it, they will and there is nothing I can do about it. Except leave and divorce. If I stay with him, I will always - until my dying day -be hypervigilant and suspicious and untrusting. I am no longer the same person I was.

Many of these reasons are things my husband has shared. I already understand why (though I'll never agree it was right) but what I struggle with and I hope an article is written about this one day is how does the betrayed spouse get over the pain. I have no anger anymore, no resentment, no bitterness. That's all gone, I have forgiven it's been five years since my husband gave me the I love you but I'm not in love with you talk and refused to work on the marriage and left continuing his affair after moving out and into his own apartment. I still have moments of extreme sadness and sometimes I think about my brokenness and I wonder if I ever will REALLY get over it all.

I'm also very disappointed about how little my husband works on the marriage. Everything we have grown past and done to mend things is because I initiated it or I read it, or I looked it up. He's willing to go along with whatever I propose but drops off from continuing it soon after the initial talk or event. I still to this day have never felt he tried to "win me back" and it hurts.

I never used to look at my husband through flawed eyes but I do now almost every day. I sometimes think I would have been better off moving on from where things were.

My husband was a heart patient on a pacer, and yet he drank, socialise in the clubs and pubs and met her, who showered so much attention to him. He was successful in business so perhaps he felt entitled to have a fun on the sideline and LIVE. She was 30 years junior to him, only 5 years older than our first born. She was born in the year we got married. So can you imagine the pain as we celebrate our wedding anniversary. It happened 6 years ago, discovery 4 yrs ago, and I still not healed. Everyday I am reminded how they spent their rendezvous for 2 years until she tells on him. He did not come forward so I presume he was sorry it ended. I am existing going through each day, on my own.

My spouse was almost bi-polar in his behaviour toward me. Swinging from "your the most beautiful thing I wake up to every morning" to nasty "you don't know anything" and abusive. I was everything and nothing all at once. Now nearly 3 years out and I don't know if I'LOL ever believe anything that's comes out of his mouth. Finally he has started individual and couples counselling. It was that or I was done. No gratitude and no empathy. The couples counsellor asked in a safe way if he thought he was psychopathic. Apparently he can feel empathy for everyone else except me and sometimes our children. I think a lot is part of his personality disorder. Yet to discover what that is. But I am tired no exhausted I mean really at 47 you should have some of your H ni together. I just want him to adult and stop blaming everyone and everything else for his issues. Things will never be the same and I won't ever trust him again. Sad but true. Life goes on. And as for the 80%, gee I wasn't even getting that for the last 25 years. I learnt pretty early on he was less then what he presented but I just loved him anyways. Very little in return there I've now found out. My compassion and unconditional love was rewarded with a fraud. A well hidden counterfeit. Not sure why he wants to stay but he does. You talk about new beginnings but very few people can make something out of so much destruction and trauma. It's like my son who broke his neck at 19yrs old and is a C4 quadriplegic. He's still my son but physically broken and has had to learn new ways to live. May the Lord bless us to get through these terrible experiences.

My husband confessed five months ago that he had been unfaithful for the past 6 yrs and had been seeing a woman for 2 yrs out of the 6. Of course I wanted to know why especially when I saw three of their pictures in his phone talk about down grading. My husband told me he wasn't attracted to me, he wasn't happy and he thought we were eventually going to get a divorce. Which I thought was a bunch of malarkey because he always seemed happy never left any clues and when did have explosive arguments where I wanted out he would always convince me to stay. The one thing I'm having trouble with is now he's always over the top happy calling me through out the entire day face timing for 2 hours at times. My husband says that I have changed for the better I am 42 yrs old I seriously doubt that I changed, I tell him maybe because he doesn't have a distraction and is able to focus on me only. This is definitely hard and taking one day at a time.

Well it seems my missing 20% was the fact she was available during the day when I was at work and fawned all over him where as after 14 yrs together that initial new relationship feeling was gone. So I will never have that 20% so what stops this from happening again?

My husband and the other woman reconnected on a school facebook page. He was her teacher, and I later realized, she had a teacher crush and he thought she was cute. He taught fresh out of college so he was only 6 years older than her. She was married, so he needed to hire her to be able to lure her into an affair. Her poor husband thought she got a job and she was traveling all over with "her boss". I've worked through everything as to why they connected and how they stayed connected. My husband relied on his justifications stemming from my trauma, which was from his ongoing pornography, deceit, indifference, unwillingness, etc... The minute he connected with her, I felt it in my soul. I began experiencing the escalating trauma even before the truth surfaced. I cycled in and out of depression which then led me to getting help. Now I see how unhealthy they both were and are, emotionally and spiritually, and why they stayed connected through divorce unto remarriage. Some people don't ever want to change, they just want a change.

My experience.
Society gives the message that men are in charge, women are to respond by being submissive, accepting and loyal to our men. ”Boys will be boys” with only a hand slap for wandering outside the marriage. Women, on the other hand, are judged more severely by society for similar behavior. Isn't this societal attitude of women as second class citizens another reason? Yes women have affairs too, but not at the rate that men do. Are their any faithful men out there?
Signed, 'Feeling Hopeless'

there really is and shouldn't be focus on "the why's" but.. i get ppl looking for a simple answer to try to put the sad reality of affairs into a formula. I appreciate the list of reasons or excuses, depending on perspective, but it is missing a big one.. on purpose? SEX. sometimes it is missing from the marriage and sought out. i'm not talking about addiction or other behavioral issues. i believe sex, for some ppl irregardless of gender, is just more necessary than it is for others. this is especially problematic when libido variations are significant btn spouses. whether its testosterone or estrogen, sometimes sex drive and hormones are just more significant to some. i believe its just a difference in a physical trait like height, athleticism or baldness. some ppl just need it more than others. not identifying this fact or limiting what is natural, or a hormonal predisposition, only leads to problematic behaviors. take for example the problem the church has with pedophile priests. putting restraints on individuals, priests in this case, with abstinence is a mistake. hormones have no religious perspective. no one can or should limit nature. some ppl have strong libidos and others could care less. the care less ones should be the ones that choose abstinence and become priests. this would keep our kids safer. anyway i'm getting off the subject. i'm not making up excuses for affairs but.. seems like SEX is the elephant in the room missing from your list.

Thank you Wayne.
This helped to clarify my thinking of the last 2.5 years since disclosure.
My husband was seeking sexual gratification as a way to feel affirmed and desired. Our sex life was in the tank after 20+ years of marriage and those holes and wounds from his childhood reared up to tell him that he was not loved or valued.
He chose his affair partners based on anonymity, perceived safety, and with anyone who was willing and halfway desirable. He didn’t even see them or know them when he would start up online conversations and flirting. This went on for about 4-5 years with 5 women. Only one of these became a physical affair, but even that was very low commitment. He never contemplated leaving the marriage.
I’m thankful to say that through our work with our counselor, EMSO, Married for Life, H4H and HH, plus countless books and podcasts, we are in the best marriage of our entire 28 years as husband and wife.
Thank you again to all of you at AR.