Rick Reynolds, LCSW
by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder & President, Affair Recovery

Revenge: Responding to an Affair

When responding to an affair, two wrongs never make a right. It’s tempting, but those who have been betrayed will be wounding themselves by their own actions. If you love someone you can really get hurt. As C.S. Lewis says: "Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give your heart to no one. It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The only place outside of heav…
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RL_Media Type: 

trying not to stray

I think of cheating on him and think he deserve's it !!!!!!!!!!!the only think thats been holding me back is my faith.

this is going on too long

My anger and vengence has been going on too long. It is coming up on a year now since I found out about my husband's second emotional affair (and possibly physical) with his coworker. I still know very little about what happened. We just attended the last EMS weekend on Nov. 8 and I went to it hoping to get some answers. I was hoping that he would "get it". But I do not feel that he did. Even with the "40 costs" exercise that was done by the betrayers, he thought the costs were about his losses, not mine, and that is what he wrote about. Since it has been so long and I have not gotten any clear answers because he evades questions, my anger over his second affair has not dissipated in the least. I feel that even if he does tell me the truth now, I won't be able to believe him because it has been so long and because his words do not match his actions. The counselor who saw us alone for the short lunch time on Saturday at EMS told me that she felt he was telling the truth, but I felt that she really only heard his side of the details and did not have the whole story. I have no intention of lowering myself to have a revenge affair, but I cannot get over the anger I feel at him for not being honest with me in the first place and for not respecting me and my feelings enough to treat me better. He became so abusive, both verbally, emotionally, and physically, when I kept asking questions that were necessary for my healing that I had to move out of our house. I still have very little information and am still very very angry. Rick, I cannot forgive as hard as I have tried. I have carried around this anger for almost a year. My therapist suggests things for me to do, but they just don't work. I cannot live with dishonesty or abuse and if he doesn't respect me enough to tell me the truth, I am afraid our 35 year marriage is over, as much as it will hurt to end it. I am afraid to go back home for fear of relapse of the affair and the abuse has not been addressed. I know that the abuse will lhappen again because it always does, even after promises are made to control himself. I don't know what to do and I don't know how to forgive. I just can't seem to do it, even after months of prayer. Please help.

What type of affair was it?

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