Reconnecting

Submitted by Dana Thu, 07/19/2012 - 11:13

I was recently sharing with a woman some of the pain that I had gone through after discovering my husband’s betrayal. She asked me if we were together now. When I told her we were, her next question was, “How did you know you were safe to let him back in?”

I knew exactly what she meant. She wasn’t asking me when I let him back into our home after our separation. She was asking me when I was able to trust him with my heart. Somewhere deep inside all of us we understand the truth about our hearts. They are our most treasured possessions, and because of that we instinctively guard them.

As I thought about how to reply to her question, I realized that the answer was going to be a difficult one. That season in my life was so messy and complicated. Trying to pin-point exactly how and when I felt safe enough to trust him with my most treasured possession (my heart) proved to be an interesting exercise.

The first thing that stands out to me during my time of healing was his attitude toward me. His heart was completely soft. If I needed to be alone so I could think and process, he would give me space. If I had questions that were bothering me he would answer them. If I was hurting and just needed to cry, he would let me cry for as long as it took to get it all out. I think what helped the most was that he never passed the blame to me. When I would ask him why he had done such hurtful things he would generally give me the most honest answer he knew by simply saying “I don’t know. I wish I knew. But it was not because of you. You did not cause this. I did.” Sounds simple, I know, but something about hearing him take full responsibility over and over again for his actions and the pain that he had caused helped to make me feel safer when I was with him. And over time, I eventually felt safe enough to let him back in.

Today I shared what I saw in him that helped me feel safe. In part two I will focus on the changes that took place in my heart that allowed me to share it with him again.

 

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Reconnecting in a short time

Submitted by OJ (not verified) on
Its just 4 months after discovery of my husbands affair and I have made great headways. Dana, you are Gods gift in helping with this because he bluntly refused on counselling or telling friends. The few I told, won't even dare talking to him because of the high regard he gets from individuals. Some were in shock in knowing he did this because he had always publicly declared his love for his wife. He pleaded so I forgave and after a lot of fall outs including an attempt of divorce we struggled and are now having a flowing reconciliation going on. Problem is that he is still fixated on his passwords after his initial outburst that he won't tell me, he is quiet about removing them or leaving things open. I stumbled on one of his affair partner's phone numbers still listed on his phone and brought it up. He became so agitated and shaken, breaking out into profuse sweat, trembling uncontrollably and swore that it was an oversight that he just missed it when deleting the 5 numbers he had. He showed all his phone past records with trembling hands to prove that he had not been in touch. I have never seen so much fear on any one so close. I could smell it. It was like his knees would give. He maintained that things were platonic even before I found out so it was a relief and a wake up call for him to end it and that he would never have to do any cheating again and that bad feeling he felt through it was bad enough and the pain he sees in my eyes always is worse. In reconciliation I felt that his obsession with password and protection with his phones and computers was something he had before we were together, so I let go and moved on. Besides he would only get more clever in hiding details even if I get access to his phones. He is good with numbers so he doesn't have to store numbers on his phone and he could keep his AP phone in his office. Anyone could hide details if they really need to, so why humiliate and torture myself over finding out. I sensed he was unfaithful, prayed about our relationship and the details practically fell into my hands in such a way he could not deny. The point here is that your spouse may not be perfectly qualified for that reconnecting at the time. It has to be a feeling that you get which you balance with a show of his true remorse for betrayal. It may be difficult to get your spouse to be picture perfect in qualifying for that reconnecting. I got to where we are by prayer and readiness to forgive. Clearly it must not repeat but I am now more watchful and prayerful because these cheatings happen even when they shouldn't. We learnt to keep checking ourselves to ensure that connection is still there. I still have rollerskating with my thoughts but I am a lot stronger because I know that he genuinely loves me. Friends have helped because all those who knew stood by him that he really loved me and found it incredible that he did it.