Justin - listen, you've got three options. You have to weigh these out against a lot of things (i.e., children, support systems, family, love). 1. You can stay with her, keeping this resentment, hurt and anger you have now. Go to therapy, read books, stay on websites full of bitter stories. You will simply cling to the marriage and hope that you both will change and grow closer. It's not likely to work. 2. You can leave her now. Yes, she deserves this. Pull off the band aid now and just end it. If you truly don't believe you can recover from this (love her, trust her, respect her) then you'll both be better off apart. You will hurt, but in another way. You will eventually understand your own issues and be okay...but be prepaid for a whole lot of therapy. 3. You can stay...promising yourself that you are going to eventually let go of this. You will have to release the hurt, pain, betrayal and most of all your ego. If you are BOTH committed to surviving together, then make that decision to swallow your pride. Stop seeing her as an enemy or as the awful person who did this to you. Try and understand look at her as a beautiful person who loves you, but made a horrible mistake. Know she will regret this for the rest of her life. But begin to let it go. Inch by inch. Don't let the fight get the best of you. Know that there will be less and less intrusive thoughts. When your ready, forgive her. I've seen so many couple choose #1. They hold on to the relationship, along with the grudge, anger and resentment. In almost every case, they eventually divorce. They should have just acknowledged the truth that they can't love enough to forgive and chosen #2. I'm one of the option 3 people. I don't forgive my wife yet. I have not built back a total trust and respect for her. I'm still hurt and insecure. But I love her enough to work on those things and be committed to making them happen. She is remorseful, contrite and loving enough to hold on even when I push her away. She wants this marriage to survive and is committed to make any amends she can. She wants to hold our family, and our love, together. We are both committed and know that one day this won't hurt as much. It is so much better now that a year ago. It is NOT easy and I still have regular break downs. But we have promised to fight for our marriage. Give it more time and gauge if you feel better now than from D-day. Then from now to three months from now. If you feel better, you know what you should do. Try less venting and resist holding onto that resentment. It will help ease the painful reminders. Acknowledge your sadness. Let your soul relax and you will see the path you are meant to take. We all with you luck in whatever you decide to do.

Justin, I feel a lot like you in this respect. The 18 months is now more like 24 and she still has not decided if I am important enough. She has told me that all of her original promises were false. When I say I am through she gets upset, but then again I cater to her request to give her more time. I just wish she would do something with that time. She was gone. She finally came back to the house, but I don't feel like she has come back to me. I still feel unimportant. Then I remember my promises, and I stay to be an example to my children, and I know they appreciate it- but at the moment, that is all I have. Except for God's promise of grace, of course, which is what keeps me going. I made that promise with HIM as my witness, so I keep trying to fulfill it- no matter what she does.

I didn't understand this advice either, and always thought an affair would be a deal-breaker. I was the one who was unhappy in our marriage, contemplating divorce even before my husband's affair. He had been faithful and honest for 18 years. (I know because he is a lousy liar, and I could tell he was having an affair...I never suspected until it really happened). He thought our marriage and our problems were "normal," insisting he was not unhappy while not validating my feelings. If anyone had an affair coming, it seems it would have been me. Yet, he had a 10-month affair with a married co-worker. Very hard for me to accept, even though I admit shutting down from him. I know it wasn't planned, as they had a friendship that got gradually closer and closer. Yet their meetings were pre-meditated. I think he got in so far over his head, he didn't know how to get out without somehow feeling he was betraying their prior platonic friendship. This was so twisted, as he was betraying me. His mind-set, admittedly now, was just really messed-up and confused. Nevertheless, flash forward to now. It has been 20 months since it ended. Although I couldn't comprehend fully forgiving him or trusting him, ironically enough, I finally felt that I had forgiven him and was on my way to trusting him again 18 months into it. Don't know if it's a magic number or a coincidence. Yet, if you are not close to that 18-month mark, and/or if your wife is not putting a ton of work into it, it may not seem even remotely possible to you. My husband is so remorseful, he has done everything humanly possible to make it up to me. He has worked on our prior problems, validates my feelings, and has attended weekly counseling ever since. He calls me twice a day from work. At first, it was to "check in" for trust reasons, but now I look forward to talking with him and seeing how our days are going. We have a connection that was missing prior to his affair. One of the big issues after D-Day for us was that he didn't seem very remorseful at first. Turns out he was denying just how involved they were, somehow thinking hiding those details would protect me. HUGE mistake. I needed them in order to know he was capable of telling the truth, and he needed to fess up in order to lower his defenses and show his remorse. If your wife is still hiding details (and you really want to know) encourage her to tell the truth so you can begin to trust her and she can let go of defenses to show you true remorse. And, if it hasn't been 18 months, please hang in there. It may just seem impossible to you until you reach that time frame. Best of luck to you.