Quite often when I talk to couples in crisis due to infidelity, one of their paramount questions is, can it ever be the same again?

Honestly, my answer is a frank, but delicate, NO, it will never be the same again.

But I immediately follow up with, “But why would you want to go back to what you had, when you’ve now discovered (or come clean about) what you then had was a lie?” Why would we want to go back to the settings which allowed for and created the affair in the first place? It’s a harsh answer I know.

Don’t get me wrong….before you push send on that ‘leave a comment’ button, I’m never going to say that the affair was the betrayed spouses fault. It’s just not that easy, or realistic, or true.  But what I do want to communicate is the infidelity has ruined what once was, and this is now an opportunity to start anew, and create something fresh, void of the past illusion that you once were living in. Immediately I know that can devastate the hurt spouse, as you are probably just coming to realize the darkness and deception which has been operating within your spouse. It hurts in a way which is almost indescribable I’m quite sure. This may be a tough blog to read, I know, and I apologize for that. I wish only to give you hope for a better future though the past has been shattered.

Make no mistake about it, even if both spouses are merely willing to ‘see’ if the marriage is worth saving, this is a moment to now see God move in a way that is unlike anything you’ve ever seen in your marriage heretofore. Perhaps the discovery of their addiction or infidelity is the very way that your marriage can and will be transformed forever in a redemptive and restorative way.

How can I write this you may ask? What is the backdrop to which I make these seemingly empty claims of a restored marriage?

Well I live in one. After 10 years of marriage, and three kids, our marriage and family erupted due to my own moral failure. After two and a half years of infidelity with at least three women, our 10 year marriage was done. Samantha didn’t want to go back and wasn’t sure if she even wanted to go forward. I certainly didn’t want to go forward with the same old marriage and same old rejecting and debilitating mannerisms within the marriage. I was willing to do whatever it took to sleep in the same house as my three kids, but had no clue how to restore, much less ‘save’ our marriage.

That’s where getting what we call, ‘The Right Kind of Help’ can create a significant chance at restoration.  Without that, I will tell you, I just don’t see much hope at all for change and ultimate healing, especially from those who have never been there before.

My marriage now, is better than it was even before the affair. It’s been 8 years since discovery of my double life and issues we have now in marriage are children issues or financial issues, or everyday life issues. NOT infidelity issues. Our marriage is new and that speaks to our sex life, our communication, our everything. It’s not empty promises that I share with you today friends, but hope. Hope that has been lived out, day after day, session after session, course after course, talk after talk….

It’s more than possible.

It’s probably NOT the way you wanted it, but it is in fact, an opportunity. Opportunities seldom come the way we think they ought to come and want them to come.