If you’ve been on social media today, you probably know the trailer for the upcoming movie Fifty Shades of Grey has come out in a flurry of illicit excitement. I’m pretty active on social media, and to see and read the comments by so many is a bit humorous, but also frighteningly indicative of a gaping need we have inside our marriages for this sort of eroticism.

For those suffering the effects of infidelity, the idea that this sort of intense sexual excitement can one day be active within the confines of marriage, especially a marriage after infidelity, can seem laughably unrealistic.

I’d like to take today to share with you that it is in fact possible and available.

But it takes work. After all, what’s easy isn’t usually the right road. It was easy with our affair partners to cultivate this sense of erotic intensity based upon lies, deception, lust, and perpetual newness. It wasn’t real life with bills to pay, kids to raise, pressures to perform in life and business and endless opportunities for offense and disagreement.

Years ago, I too fell prey to the idea that marriage was where fun and erotic behavior went to die. It’s just not true. This message is based on cynicism and unbelief, which is more than pervasive in society’s views about marriage. Samantha and I have had incredible seasons of erotic behavior, with clean consciences and freedom even post–affair. The problem is that it takes work, creativity, planning and sometimes outside help from trusted expert sources. We think it should be easy. We think we shouldn’t have to ‘work at it’ when it just clicked with our affair partner, even though for many (though not all) we originally clicked with our spouse early on. That click we felt with our affair partners was usually a fantasy anyway and not real.

The truth is, life gets in the way. It just does not cater towards healthy and exciting sexuality in marriage.

An erotic marriage requires work and humility. An erotic marriage, post-infidelity, requires expert help, work, humility and a commitment on both sides to do what it takes to achieve an exciting and fulfilling sex life. It seems that in the media and over the cultural airwaves of society, we hear about more couples who do NOT enjoy exciting marital sex than those who do.  It’s very possible, but as I said before marital eroticism requires humility, openness, vulnerability and availability. These shades of necessary steps are progressive in nature and will not just happen. No one bonks you on the head and suddenly you’re incredibly passionate for your spouse. It requires a process and more understanding than you can imagine. While Samantha and I have not ‘figured it all out’ in the least, we have gained incredible ground in the fight against cynicism, deadness and apathy in marital sexuality.

I hope and pray its one day the same for you. Don’t give up. It’s possible.