Help for Those Who Are Trying to Get Their Unfaithful Spouse to Wake up and 'Get It'

Samuel discusses a toxic struggle both unfaithful and betrayed spouses fall into.

Comments

Could we turn this around?

Submitted by anna26 on Fri, 01/10/2020 - 09:05

I’m an unfaithful that does “get it” but my spouse does not seem to. Throughout the entire video I thought “that’s him.” He won’t do any work. He doesn’t seem to work on our marriage. It’s been 3 years. I feel like it’s time to say “Enough. I’ve done all I can do.”

this does happen

Submitted by Samuel on Mon, 01/13/2020 - 09:21

thanks for sharing. this does in fact happen, but has some unique nuances to it. it's a great video suggestion so i'll work on it. thank you for posting my friend.

It can be a VERY long road

Submitted by robyn0325 on Fri, 01/10/2020 - 12:03

Thank you for this important VLOG. Recovery is long for some couples. I have found it depends on the willingness of either partner to be honest, vulnerable, brave. Unfortunately, my unfaithful husband "played along" through multiple programs, intensives, and therapy sessions. He is a master deceiver so I times I thought we were really making progress, but there was always a gut feeling that we were not getting to the root. My biggest indicators were his lack of remorse, resurfacing defensiveness, and always playing down what really happened. Shame kept him caring more about what others thought or knew - than the impact he had on me and us as a couple. D-day was 2014 (6 year affair/ 12 year porn addiction). We had a NEW D-day on Nov 2019. This second revelation after so much work is VERY different. This time - I am hurt, broken, even a bit more angry... but I am not motivated to fight for us. I have one foot out the door. We have a new therapist who is hopeful that he can get to the root of childhood trauma that caused my husband to embrace disassociative behaviors for his own survival growing up - which have manifested in love avoidance/ sex addiction and a whole cluster of intimacy killing lifeskills. Grrrrr.... yes the road is long. Longer than I would have ever imagined. The 5 years 2014 to 2019 were a variety of good and bad "recovery" experiences. I am hanging in there "for now". I am eternally grateful for how EMSO and so many other recources have kept me sane and given me hope. Our story is still being written. I don't know if we will be married "until death do us part". No matter, I want him HEALED. I hope that we make it, but I am okay with not knowing how this is going to turn out. I have grown in wisdom, character, and grace - through it all. The pain WILL HAVE PURPOSE!!

Unfaithful won't get help with detox, tries to go it alone.

Submitted by TE (not verified) on Wed, 03/11/2020 - 07:43

This is truly a tough one. My unfaithful spouse watched one of your videos and I could see him making the connections in his brain that maybe it's true that what he found is fantasy, an escape from all of our troubles, not reality. He had an epiphany. He came to me and told me he wants to see if this marriage can be saved. He wants to have the blinders taken off and be able to refocus. The problem is ... after this realization, he has done no further work except seeing a regular therapist. He stopped watching videos and hasn't considered any online courses through Affair Recovery (even though initially, he pledged to look deeper into recovery options). He also has no one as an accountability partner. He is isolating himself and I feel like I'm being isolated as well. So a week later, after that recipe for disaster, what happened next? He texts the AP and once again thinks they could still be friends as long as they stay public. He won't shut down that door. He even returned to social media. I'm trying to be patient, knowing how badly he needs to detox, knowing that this is not the man I married but the effects of dopamine, oxytocin and adrenaline ... knowing that the pains we have been dealt in life are breaking him when he was already unhealthy to begin with ... but I don't know how long I can endure the constant humiliation. When he contacts her, I feel like he is choosing her and constantly sending her the message that: "I'm here with my wife, but I want to be where you are."

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What type of affair was it?

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