Sorry, a minimization of your behavior versus hers. Not the other way around. Contemptuous is much stronger than unloving.

I am new to joining Affair Recovery and this is the 3rd video I have watched. It spoke volumes to me. It sounds so much like our story except unlike Samantha our children are all young adults and onky 1 lives at home. But we have 5 pets, I work a full-time and part-time job. One requires me to be out of the home up to 10 hours per day and the other 1-4 hours per night/day throughout the week. I tried to work when he wasnt home, after he went to bed, or weekends when he was otherwise occupied (gym, watxhing sports, etx.). I thiught I showed my hisband how much I cared through actions/services. Cooking evey night. Making his lunches. Setting out his meds and vitamins every day. Bringing him his dinner when he got home. Supporting him in his decisions about work, etc. We had sex but he was having some difficulties so I felt his frustration and thought if I intiated it would add to his frustration. So it wasn't as much as I wanted. I was taking care of his daily needs but definitely not his ego. I was too tired and felt unappreciated myself. He retired from military service but had trouble deciding what to do next. I was supportive of any choice he made but also frustrated with him deciding to choose a job that took him away from home. Leaving all the daily responsibilities to me. He was providing financially but that seemed to be all. He was unhappy with himself and everything we had....it wasnt good enough. I was angry because at this point in our lives I thought he should be happy with all we had. Most people wanted everyrhing we had but it wasnt enough for him. We still had date nights/weekends and took the time several times a month to do things just the 2 of us. Usually we enjoyed ourselves and I would feel at least for a few days that all was good in the world. So many people thought we had it all and were the perfect couple. They even said so. Yet we weren't. Even though I knew we were not perfect I never thought he would cheat. I had just as many reasons as him to do so and opportunities but it was the last thing on my mind. We are 73 days post D-Day and when he told me why he did it he said it was because she made him feel like "all that" that yes he was selfish but that the only thing he can describe is it's like having a new car and one that thinks you are the greatest thing ever. I know she did because I knew all about the friendship and he even admitted she had a crush on him. He told me this right before the affair started and acted like he was flattered but not interested. He wasn't attracted to her physically and now questions how he let himself go that far. I feel foolish that even though I knew her texting and messaging him was too much I still never thought the relationship had crossed the line. I questioned things but he had good answers. It lasted for 7 months with him even traveling several weekends to see her. Since we had friends in that area and he had reasons to go there I should have realized. I even remember asking if he saw her (since they were friends now) and he always said no that he was busy doing this or that. He even sent me texts and called sevwral times a day when he was fine. She even made a visit to our hometown and even home while I was out of town. Our daughter almost caught her at my house And my husband swears nothing physical happened. I think it's because our daughter came home but he says he would not have done that here. Yet knowing she has been in my house even for a short period angers me. That it was here at all crossed a line for me. They did have a sexual relationship too even though he had the same difficulties with her. It still shocks me that he went to such lengths to see her. But this video validates the whole "escaping reality" reason. Boy wouldnt I have loved to escape too!!! And even though this video and my therapist have confirmed what he says I am still angry that he was so weak and selfish to let his ego lead him into such a betrayl. It worries me that it could happen again in the future becaue life doesn't allow everyday to be a honeymoon.
Anyway, I got off the subject. Like I said I see your point but even though the video didn't address that Samantha had just as much cause or right to cheat it is a given. As far as the compliments from the affair partner...you're right. I have thought the same thing. How could she say all these great things about him...talk about our children with him...and his life and not know deep down that if he was cheating and lying and hiding their relationship that he wasn't so amazing after all. I do know he is a good man thiugh and yes he did make a HUGE mistake but he is working toward OUR recovery so I'll continue to work on our marriage too. Thank you for these videos, articles, and support. I have no one but my therapist to talk to and it's sad but good to know I am not alone.