I was able to do lots of work behind the scenes before we were intimate.   for me, it was about 1. forgiving my affair partner, and letting go of bitterness towards here so i wouldn't continue to fixate on her.  2. it was about forgiving samantha for what i felt were many issues of rejection and disapproval  3. i had immense accountability to ask me if i was thinking about my affair partner, and what i was doing about it when i was and if i was allowing myself to fixate on her.  4. i knew going into any intimate experiences that i was to stay focused or else i would drift.  sure, sometimes, my mind did drift but i was able to catch it very quickly.  it's not a sin, nor dysfunction to have your mind drift....it's about not letting it run where it wants to run and it's about shifting focus if and when it happened.  it does happen early on, but you have the power to shift your focus back to your spouse/partner and take control of what you think about.  sure it's tough, but with effort and strategy it gets much easier.  

hi there. 10 months is some time, but not an eternity and it's normal to still have flooding moments like that even a year later.  everyone is different, but some people deal with that for a long time.....you will only be struggling 10 years down the road IF you both want and allow that to happen.  don't believe that lie.  it's a trick of trauma and depression to make you think that way as it's safer to believe you won't be any better, than it is to go out on a limb and believe that 10 years down the road you'll be thriving and enjoying life like we are.  here are a couple helpful videos if you haven't seen them already on flooding and difficult conversations:  https://www.affairrecovery.com/groups/qa-how-can-i-have-more-productive-conversations-not-flooded-conversations-my-spouse  https://www.affairrecovery.com/qa-what-each-spouses-role-handling-triggers  you can by all means heal and not stay stuck, but 1. be patient 2. get help.  has he taken harboring hope at all?  that may be a good next step for him  3. stay close to the website and continuing to gain momentum as a couple and individual.  4. trust the process my friend.