Samantha Answers Questions: Part 1

Samantha joins Samuel today for the first installment of a 3 part series. She shares her side of their journey after infidelity and Samuel's affair from her perspective as the betrayed spouse.

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Best step

Samantha first i have to say thank you for doing the blog. You are an amazing woman.

I was just wondering besides affair recovery what other means of support did you have to turn to?

Thank you

To put the face with Samuels wife reinforces how real and how hurtful affairs are. My husband and I watched this and say "bravo" to both for being transparent to us. Your wisdom and advice to others,like us, make it possible to see that marriages can be saved. I'm sure it took a lot of courage for Samantha to air herself on video and I'm sure it helps in the continuous healing process. We look forward to more insight vlogs from the both of you. Thank you

Thank You

Thank you so much for having the courage to do this. We are 5 months post D Day #1 with three others to follow. My husband is struggling with his own shame and he feels distant and aloof a lot. I am struggling to manage my own healing because I feel like I am always trying to reengage him. This video spoke my heart and I hope it will help him hear it from someone other than me.

Thank you

Thank you Samantha for doing the blog. I'm so grateful that you are sharing your thoughts about your recovery. It's very brave of you and Samuel to share your stories with others and it helps me immensely as a betrayed wife.

Thank you so much for doing

Thank you so much for doing the blog Samantha! I must say I was so excited to finally see and hear from you. I admire you and Samuel for your courage and commitment to each other, and to helping us heal. I look forward to hearing more of your experiences and advice. Thank you!

How do you manage transparency, privacy and jealousy?

Dear Samantha and Samuel,

I came across Samuel's vlogs when in the midst of my emotions after the revelation of my partner's betrayal, 1 year ago. Since then we have been on our road to recovery, and have made good progress. It's only now, as I continue to struggle with jealousy, and am trying to grapple with the realities of desire and attraction, that I came back to Affair Recovery and landed on your series of videos together. I watched all 3; I could really relate to Samantha's experience and they also highlighted things that my partner and I have done right and others that we could have done differently or better (we have not followed any kind of couple's therapy). What hit a cord most in this video is your 'policy' of transparency, and giving Samantha access to everything, no questions asked. In the aftermath of the revelation of my partner's betrayal with a close friend of his, we did not establish this agreement, and one day while he was away I went into total detective mode (almost like a dark force driving me) and searched everything I could find that might reveal something more, something that had not been said. I told him about it because I was feeling so low and distraut, and since then we've established that I can ask him to look at a message or email I may be worried about, but I can't go through his phone without him agreeing to it. He thinks it's a trespassing of his privacy, and he feels very policed by my jealousy and wariness. He is also worried that me having constant access to his messages to female friends (my primary concern now) will not actually help me, and is worried that is may create more triggers (feeding the jealousy) and negative emotions to deal with, when he's, in reality, not doing anything wrong and I "have nothing to worry about". My jealousy is, of course, irrational and based on a load of fear, and continuing distrust. I still don't fully believe everything he says or I believe that there's more that he's not saying (even if he has consistently been open and honest with me, I have to recognise that), and I still feel the need to see for myself, to 'control'/supervise what he's up to, who he's texting, what he's saying and how he's saying it. I fear any kind of ambiguity in his relationships with other women. I do rationally believe that he should be able to have female friends and that I should not need to constantly check on him, but the urge is stronger. And it becomes even more difficult/tortuous when we are apart for long periods of time (between 1 week to 2 months).

My question is: did the full transparency become in any way addictive, Samantha? If it did, where you able to let go (i.e. no longer need this today, and give Samuel some privacy back)? Even if it helped, do you think it prolonged the healing process because of potential triggers?
And Samuel, even if you agreed to this transparency, how was it for you? Did you feel restrained in your communication (my partner does)? Did you feel constantly 'watched' by Samantha?

I know we're all different, and perhaps this dynamic didn't happen for you both, but it's something I really struggle with, and am not sure how to deal with it. If you have answered any of these questions in any other vlogs, please do direct me to them.

I'm really grateful to you both for your insights. It's so helpful to hear both sides, as I understand how nuanced all these stories are, and each partner experiences it all differently.

Many thanks in advance,

Sophie

thanks so much sophie

the reality is, i was an open book.  i no longer had anything to hide.  samantha checked here and there but for us, it wasn't about the disclosure as much as it was about doing the recovery work that was needed and investing in relapse prevention.  it was also about healing the trauma in her AND in me.  she wasn't ever addicted to the information and it wasn't a big sticking point for us as much as accountability and always being home on time was and always checking in with her.  those were biggies for sure.  i never felt restrained as i wanted samantha and the kids back and was willing to do whatever it took.  if we're afraid to show our spouses our email or what have you, it's always a red flag.