When They Won't Decide: Understanding Why a Spouse Won't Commit Either Way

Submitted by Samuel Thu, 10/12/2017 - 10:06

Samuel discusses the struggle of an unfaithful spouse who continues to go back and forth between their affair partner and their spouse.

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I thank God. I am not faced

Submitted by 2boysmom on

I thank God. I am not faced with this scenario. I have read from others that are in pure agony not knowing from day to day , feeling hopeful then being kicked back down deeper into despair. Samuel’s message, and he rightly says is very delicate, is the best I have heard. Samuel address’s the absolute hell the spouses are in and offers real guidance. this blog is a real God sent to many finding their lives and families on this merry -go-round .

you're so kind....

Submitted by Samuel on

thank you so much 2boysmom.  means a ton you'd share such great encouragement and kind words.  believe me, the support and encouragement helps so much.  thank you again.

 

Thank you for making this a

Submitted by Jamie5538 on

Thank you for making this a topic, it seems to be happening a lot in the forums. Thank you Samual for you insite and wisdom. I know how important your video's have been to my unfaithful husband.
Thank you so very much
Jamie

thank YOU so much for the encouragement

Submitted by Samuel on

thank you jamie5538 for sharing the encouragement.  it's always a problem, but great to know that it's on the forums.  i really try and stay as relevant as we can to what people are facing so thanks for the validation. 

 

Samuel thank you

Submitted by Greg5538 on

I just wanted to take the time to say thank you for all your help. When Jamie5538 and I first strated AR back in December 2016. I had zero tools I would say all the wrong words and made our situation worse. I started watching your videos and learned so much. I would watch some of them 3 to 4 times until your message was ingrained in my brain. You have been a inspiration and a motivator for both Jamie and I. Ever sense I watched the first video I thought to my self I wanted to help others that have found them selfs in this terrible situation. Help the unfaithful find there way and sure some thoughts to the betrayed when there unable to hear there spouse. So thank you again for taking your time and making these videos they are invaluable tools for both betrayed and unfaithful.

wow what a great comment...

Submitted by Samuel on

thanks so much Greg5538.  means so much you'd share that with me.  encourages me a ton and helps make it all worth it.  i'm so glad you're here and you're getting help.  thank you again for sharing. 

 

Won't commit or waiting on her?

Submitted by Heartbroken in Texas (not verified) on

I am not sure if he won't commit or if he is waiting on her to commit. I wonder if I am his second choice. He talks to her many times a day. We are separated, so I don't know how often he sees her. Getting him to talk to me is more difficult. How do I discern if it is a lack of commitment on his part or if he is biding his time until she decides between him and her husband? I don't want him coming back to me only because she chose her husband. I need him committed to me if he comes back. I'm willing to wait, but I don't want to let him back in until I know he is truly working on us. He has told me 4 times in the less than 2 months since I found out that he has broken it off with her, only to find out that he hasn't. The last time was when I asked him to move out. I know this is still fresh, I'm just wondering what do I do?

can't sit and wait forever...

Submitted by Samuel on

hi heartbroken, i would say you can't sit and wait forever.  you are going to have to be the one to decide the timeline that works for you.  if you're going to wait for him to decide, you're giving him a lot of power in the relationship and the situation and in my opinion, that's not healthy or productive right now.  if you are his second choice, something is wrong and it will permeate the entire marriage even if he does come home.  i would work on healing you and work on your own security and healing.  i'm concerned for you though for sure.  

Thank you

Submitted by Heartbroken in Texas (not verified) on

Thank you, I do understand. I am a Christian and am seeking God's guidance. We are separated and I am seeking ways to work on my healing. We are not "friends" right now. We talk to deal with our children, but I am drawing the line there. I feel like the choice to completely leave (divorce) has to be his. I am praying that God will grab him and break him and bring him closer to the Lord. He has left every other major decision in our lives to me. I think he wants me to divorce him to justify in his mind completely going to her. He is not coming home until I know that he is coming home for me and not because he has nothing better to do. In the meantime, I am working toward rebuilding my life and making God my focus so that no matter what, I am good. This man is not the man I knew when we married. His mind is so messed up. I feel very strongly right now that God is telling me that divorce is not my decision. Even if he divorced me, finding another isn't on my radar until my children are grown. When I say "wait," I'm not going to sit at home pining for him. I'm going to live my life. That's very difficult some days, but I am learning what boundaries I need to be healthy. Yesterday was a bad day - I let him come over for a visit the day before to see our children. Moving forward, he will need to take them and not hang out. I can't pretend it's normal right now. I learned that from that visit. I keep watching the videos here and they are incredibly helpful. Thank you for your ministry. It makes me feel like I'm not going crazy.

How do you get them to leave?

Submitted by alb81182 on

I’ve told my UH over and over that if he cannot promise no contact and actively engage in some sort of recovery work he needs to leave. He won’t go. We have 3 school aged kids so I’m not screaming and yelling and throwing his stuff on the lawn. I’m just telling him you need to go. He’s still here!! He does just enough to try and shut me up each time. This time he started private counseling. But that’s after quitting couples counseling, ignoring all requests for online programs or marriage retreats and breaking the no contact rule. He’s manipulating me and I’m trying to take a stance. How do you get them to leave if they just won’t go?

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
 
-D, Texas