Why Couples Fail After An Affair, Part 4: Denying your Reality

Have you ever talked till you’re blue in the face trying to get someone to see his or her reality, but to no avail? I did just tonight. Sandy is an attractive 32 year old mother of two. She and her husband recently reconciled after her husband discovered her involvement in three affairs over the past 3 years. She’s adamant that she’ll never cheat again, but refuses to give up her male friends and Facebook account where she made all of her connections. She’s also insistent that she be allowed to have her privacy. When her husband tells her those relationships concern him, given her past history, she says, “You’ve just got to trust me”. When I asked her why it was so difficult to give up Facebook and the passwords to her email account, she said, “I just want to be normal. I know it’s been a problem in the past, but if I have to give those things up, it proves there’s something wrong with me, and I know I won’t do it again.

If you can’t accept where you’re at, you’ll never get to where you’re going, particularly after an affair. Nothing hinders our journey to wholeness more than denial. How can you safely go forward if you can’t accept the problem and do something about it?

This is us on our wedding day. I think we were a good looking couple.

On that day I told her, “Stephanie, I promise to be faithful to you and to have faith in you, trusting your loyalty to me and proclaiming our love to the world.” If you had asked on that day if I’d ever cheat on Stephanie I’d have been insulted and told you I’d never do that. So why, after I cheated, would I believe my own propaganda when I’m swearing I’ll never do that….again?

Here is my reality. I’m a person who said he’d be faithful till death do us part, was totally sincere and then managed to cheat on his wife. If I could do that once, what would keep me from doing it a second time? Good intentions? If I’m to accept my reality, I have to accept the fact that I’m the type of person who says he won’t, and then does. Thinking I can do better the second time after an affair because I’m going to try harder may produce an illusion of security, but it does nothing to prevent the inevitable.

Albert Einstein said, “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.” Until I can change how I see the problem (and the problem is me and what I’m capable of) I will never be safe for my wife. Until I can accept the reality of my own defects of character I’ll never get to where I’m going.

Just in case you think I’m only talking to those of us who have been unfaithful, please think again. We're all capable of getting trapped by denial. My mate is never my problem; my mate just reveals the problem in me. Notice, I didn’t say my mate doesn’t have problems. I said my mate’s problems are the thing that will most likely reveal my problems. If you want to see your own defects of character, all you need to do is examine your reactions to your mate’s bad behavior. Hopefully, you’ll have the courage to accept your reality.

When couples fail after an affair, it’s about one or both parties failing to change how they see themselves and others. It’s their inability to accept their personal reality, which, as Einstein would point out, leaves us with no viable options for a different outcome.

The one thing I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that people affected by infidelity are closer to experiencing the extraordinary life they’ve always wanted than ever before, but the only currency they can use to get there is their illusions. Denying your reality only leads to more of the same.

“Pretend Normal” is a term we use at Affair Recovery. It’s not as much about how we present ourselves to others, as it is about our refusal to see ourselves and to admit what we’ve actually done. We don’t want to accept the realities of our limitations or our defects of character. We prefer to live in denial and pretend that we’re “normal” (I thought that was a cycle on a washing machine), and we set out to prove that reality. I’d much rather prove I’m something than accept that I’m powerless and incapable. Who wants to be honest and admit what they’ve done or how they’ve acted? What would people think if they really knew? What would we think if we were really honest with ourselves about our actions or lack of character? It’s much more entertaining and comforting to focus on the actions and defects of others than it is to swim through our own inner cesspool.

W.H. Auden says, “We would rather be ruined than change”, “We would rather die than climb up on the cross of the moment and have our illusions die.” That certainly holds true for my life. The last thing I want to do is look past my denial and honestly face my reality.

If you’re serious about finding an extraordinary life after an affair, begin with finding a new lens though which to see yourself and others. Here are my suggestions on how to gain perspective:

1.) Get involved in groups that deal specifically with this problem. This might sound frightening, but there’s no better way to gain new perspective. I was able to learn far more about Stephanie and myself by listening to other couples and individuals who were addressing the same issues. For more information about groups download: The Power of Small Groups.

2.) Find a mentor or a sponsor. When I met my mentor, Jamie, I was blind as a bat to my own reality. Healed individuals are vital guides in this process. They may not be perfect, but I’m pretty sure they’ve already made the majority of mistakes I’d like to miss. Learning from another’s mistakes after an affair might take a little humility, but it’s worth the effort. You can usually find a good supply of these people at most 12 Step meetings. Our mentors sometimes serve as group leaders in our Harboring Hope and EMS Online online courses and are willing to not only lead but share their experiences with the group.

3.) Another way to gain perspective is to read the stories of others. If you can’t talk to them, at least you can find stories of others who are like you and the lessons they learned after an affair. When Stephanie and I began our journey, the first point of hope I found was in a book that shared the story of an individual who could have been my twin. I had always felt like a freak. I couldn’t imagine there was anyone like me. Until I read that story, shame prohibited me from even acknowledging my reality, much less accepting it. My only caution is to make sure the stories you read involve healthy individuals. Another resource for stories on the AR website is the Success Stories.

Your best efforts got you here, so now what? If you find yourself at a place you never imagined and you weren’t trying to mess up, I’d invite you to consider that maybe there is more to your reality than you realize. I hope you’ll take the time to search for your realty.

I think it would be great if the AR community helped each other out on this one. I’d love to hear what has worked with helping your illusions to die. If you have any suggestions then please leave a comment through this link or at the bottom of this article. Maybe something you share will help someone else on his or her journey.

I look forward to reading your comments.