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LoginIn a recent survey of betrayed spouses, conducted by the Affair Recovery Center, the concept of trust and how to recapture that scarce commodity was by far the most-asked question. In fact, the issue of trust was raised almost twice as much as any other question or issue. Why is that?
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What role do love and compassion play?
For two months now we’ve been exploring “how could you,” but maybe the question we need answered is why? When we began this series I began by sharing...
Ever done something you’re really ashamed of? Not just a mistake, but also something that when you look back on it you can’t believe you did it? I have. When I asked myself that question something came to mind from 1970. If you ask yourself that question what comes your mind? What I remembered...
Secrecy plays a huge factor in the absence of guilt when violating commitments or morals. No blood no foul, right? When people pursue a course of action that benefits them but harms others they try to avoid looking at the harm they’ve caused or they minimize the consequences. If minimization...
Friday morning while driving to work Stephanie called and asked if I’d talked to our son, Bryson. “No,” I replied. “I can’t get a hold of him,” she told me. Knowing something must be up I asked, “What’s the problem?” “There’s been an explosion in Waco” she said worriedly. Since Stephanie and I...
Our current "How Could You?" series has stirred up a lot of questions for many of you. The biggest question I hear from the betrayed spouse is still, "Why?" I've also gotten several questions like:
When it comes to cheating, the mental gymnastics that must first be employed before the deed is done are significant. This week we’ll explore the first of these cognitive distortions: Moral Justification.
One approach to violating one's beliefs of right and wrong is by redefining the...
Stephanie and I spent this past weekend at Terlingua with some of our oldest friends enjoying the beauty of Big Bend National Forest. In the course of conversation, our friend Lynn told me about an incident where he and another good friend, Tom, were backpacking in Arkansas. Driving in they...
Two weeks ago a woman screamed at her mate, “How could you?” I remember, as the tears ran down her face and he hung his head in shame, asking myself “Why would you?” From all reports he was a decent guy and she a good woman. They seemed to have it all; beautiful children, a good life style and...
“You can only have two of the three,” a friend once told me. We were discussing three critical decisions which drive any process. They are speed, price, and quality. You can have quality and speed, but it’s probably going to cost you more. You could also choose quality and price, but you’ll end...
As a young boy, watching my grandmother colorize old black and white photos fascinated me. Hour upon hour she’d sit at her table meticulously applying colors to the monotone images embedded on paper. A colorful imagination along with her keen eye caused decaying images to explode to life. “How...
If 82% of affairs happen with someone who at first was “just a friend” as Shirley P. Glass’ research suggests, then maybe there’s benefit in exploring how these friendships begin. How does one have an emotional affair, and what signs are there that an emotional affair is developing? Is there...
If you think an emotional affair is less destructive than a physical affair, you might be mistaken. At least that’s what 77.76% of the 590 respondents said in our survey last week. However, it's important to realize that no one can really determine for someone else what is harder. For those who...
In your opinion, which is worse an emotional affair or physical affair? In the midst of my affair I believed it to be the physical aspect of the affair, but in retrospect my opinion has changed. Long before the physical began the emotional affair thrived. After the affair ended it wasn’t the...
In the beginning my relationship with Stephanie was anything but monotonous. I first saw her on a church retreat she attended with her boyfriend of three years. From the first moment I saw her I knew he wasn’t right for her. The fact that he went to bed early Saturday evening, leaving me with...
Years ago in my sabbatical from marriage counselling, after my affair, I found employment with the State of Texas. Up to that point I had remained ignorant when it came to typing or word processors. Dictaphones and secretaries had allowed me to skip learning those basic skills. However on my...
This week we discuss three different characters as they relate to infidelity and its restoration. The names of the characters are humorous, yet telling as they relate not only to mastering a talent, but also marriage and infidelity. When we endeavor to heal from any major crisis or trauma, the...
Physical intimacy after an affair is challenging under the best of circumstances. But how do you rebuild intimacy if you don’t know what you’re doing?
I still remember, years ago after my betrayal, our confusion as to how to move forward after the affair. Was it okay to be physically...
I went to an end of the year bash with a bunch of friends during my junior year in high school. We had a great time grilling burgers and listening to music, but two of my friends wanted a bit more excitement and decided to put a cup of ice down my pants. I, on the other hand, wasn’t interested...
In recent years, one of the hottest topics in sexology has been female sexual desire disorders. For the past four decades, women have been pathologized for not being like men. For instance, according to University of British Columbia psychiatrist Rosemary Basson, “sexual difficulties are...
There's an old joke I've always enjoyed due to the truth it reveals: How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb’s got to want to change really badly. I also enjoy the old saying “if wishes were horses then beggars would ride.” Change is more than...
Even though it was twenty-five years ago when I received my training at the Colorado Institute for Marriage and Family Therapy, I still remember my mentor Dr. Jan Raynak's words: "Rick, couples will make more movement in the holiday season than in all the other months combined." I noticed that...
The third step in changing our response patterns (habits) is experimenting with the rewards. Most habits are developed and carried on with little or no thought as to their effectiveness. Why do we continue in patterns that no longer provided the desired outcome?
If we know sarcasm...
Now I know why I never did New Year’s resolutions. I can never decide what I want. My goals are still in a state of flux, but I’m making progress.
Part two of our process is to identity one behavior you want to change. If you’ve been rank ordering your goals as mentioned in...
Can I really change? I'll be 59 this month and just looking at that number makes me feel older than dirt. They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks; but can you? In my soon to be 59 years, I don't believe I've ever set a New Years resolution. Lord knows it's not because I'm perfect, nor is...
Recently I asked our betrayed spouse bloggers if they had any advice to offer Holly Petraeus. As evidenced by our “bad advice” blog post, there’s often a shortage of good advice. Most people believe they know what they'd do after the affair, but when...
There is an elixir so powerful that exposure can cause even the strongest of men to fall. No matter how empty or full one’s purse or the purity of one’s intentions, ongoing exposure to infidelity’s trifecta inevitably leads to betrayal. Taken by themselves these three elements pose little danger...
Talk about stuck! When Randall and Suzie showed up at EMS this past weekend they were really stuck. Randall had just ended a 1.5-year affair with his boss at work, his boss had lost her job, and Randall had been placed on probation. Work however, was sure to become the least of his problems. (...
Years ago my daughter had to go it alone. A random set of circumstances created the need. Her class had been left with no adult supervision. Another student decided to take that opportunity to play rap music that she found offensive. “Would you please turn that off or use your head set,” she...
As a young man of 5, I made a choice that proved to be quite painful. It happened while visiting my Grandmom in Snyder, Texas. It all began when I noticed a wasp nest hanging from Grandmom’s plumb tree. As best as I can recall I’d never seen a wasp’s nest before. Being naturally curious, I had...
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