Did You Marry the Wrong Person? Did you marry the wrong person? A whopping 30% of divorced women believe they did, at least according to Jennifer Gauvain.1 How can so many people be getting it wrong? Was the other party so deceptive that they were fooled into marrying the wrong person? Or perhaps they failed to listen to their own intuition and chose to marry anyway, only to discover later that they made a grievous, life-alterning mistake? Perhaps it isn't about who you married but rather your expectations of the marriage. Years ago, a friend told me, "To keep from getting in trouble with your landlord, use straight pins to hang your pictures. That way, when it's time to move, the holes will not be nearly as noticeable." But when my newly hung pictures began crashing to the floor, I learned a valuable lesson: Don't hang your pictures on something unless you're sure it can bear the weight. The same is true of marriage. Is the weight of your or your spouse's expectations for the marriage more than it can possibly live up to? A Historical Look To understand marriage and find answers to these questions, it's helpful to take a historical look at the changing roles of marriage in our culture. In the 1800's, we had institutional marriages, which were necessary for survival. After the industrial revolution, the purpose of marriage began to shift from survival to relational. Thus, we had what sociologist Andrew J. Cherlin refers to as companionship marriage from approximately 1850-1965.2 Continue Your Healing With EMS Online! Registration Opens Soon. Our Emergency Marital Seminar Online, better known as EMSO, isn't a one-size-fits-all program for couples. Over decades of experience exclusively in the field of infidelity, our methodology has been honed to better serve couples as they address the betrayal, reconnect as partners and restore their lives. Subscribe to Registration Notifications! The countercultural movement of the mid-1960's was the birth of the individualistic marriage. Marriage was no longer an absolute must. It morphed into one of the several paths someone could choose on their journey toward personal fulfillment. People started looking at marriage as a way to be happy. It was about finding someone who could "complete me." The individualistic marriage began shifting away from a focus on commitment to one of contentment. If it's not making me happy, then perhaps I'd be better served by something else. It's no wonder that once the weight of self-fulfillment was placed on the back of marriage, the American divorce rate began to soar. Happiness-Based Marriage This newer, happiness-based model of marriage created a natural pathway to wondering if you have made a mistake in choosing your spouse. If the goal of marriage is now personal fulfillment, and I'm miserable, then my marriage is failing to meet my expectations. This quickly leads me to conclude that I've married the wrong person. And if I'm convinced I've married the wrong person, then I am less committed to the relationship, which in turn leaves me more vulnerable to being unfaithful. I'm old enough to remember when marriage proposals, while significant, were not the grand event they are today. Marriage proposals were once an invitation to partner together in life, and they were typically done privately. In today's world, there's a new expectation that proposals be a romantic production which communicates the depths of one's love for their future partner. Failure to make the proposal a big, public deal could be construed as a lack of love for one's potential mate. The proposal now carries new significance and, for some, serves as a measure of how highly the bride is esteemed as well as a predictor of future relational bliss. It's the beginning of the litmus test by which we judge whether the other person has the ability to make us feel good about ourselves. The shift from love-based marriages to happiness-based marriages isn't just displayed in proposals. It's also measured by how much one spouse is willing to sacrifice for the other spouse in order to make them happy. This trend can even be seen in television programming. Instead of programs such as "I Love Lucy," reality TV shows such as "Say Yes to the Dress" and "Bridezilla" now capture significant entertainment TV market share. The focus is on the question, “How much are you willing to sacrifice to make me feel special?" Determining whether or not this is the right person is often measured by the significance of the sacrifices, big and small, you're willing to make for my sake. A Caveat It is important to affirm that some people do marry the wrong person. Abusive marriages, marriages where one party has no interest in ever being faithful, or marriages that have been abandoned must consider safety first. There are some whose hearts are hard and not willing to show compassion and concern for their spouse (or others). When safety is the issue, continuing in the relationship may be unwise. I do believe there is benefit and potential in the modern view of marriage. The danger is that when an individual places the sole responsibility of their happiness on another person, failure is almost inevitable. We're Asking the Wrong Question My warped thinking about marriage wasn't challenged until I had to take responsibility for my infidelity. At that moment, I realized I'd been asking the wrong question. I had to realize my mate isn't my problem, but my mate reveals the problem in me. Besides that, it wasn't a question of whether I'd married the right person. I needed to ask if I was being the right person. I needed to take personal responsibility for my own life rather than abdicating that responsibility to Stephanie. My focus needed to be on becoming the best person I could be, someone I could respect, and someone I'd want to be with. Abandoning the quest for the "right person" and exchanging it for the quest ofbecoming the right person changed everything. When you place the responsibility of your happiness on your mate, and it won't be long until things get rocky and the allure of something or someone else will cause your world to come crashing down. If you suffer from believing your happiness is your spouse's responsibility, it's far more likely that it's your mate who has actually married the wrong person. Here are a few ways to determine whether your mate married the right person: Your primary focus is on what's wrong with the marriage rather than what's right. You live in a fantasy world, dreaming about what would make you happy rather than learning to enjoy what you have. You constantly think about what irritates you rather than focusing on what it must be like to live on the other side of you. You believe you rarely make mistakes in your relationship. (This is juxtaposed to being a person who cares about their mate's pain and is quick to take personal responsibility for their failures.) You feel it's your responsibility to help them become the right person rather than being a person who focuses on improving their own faults. While reading this article, you're thinking this is something your mate should read rather than exploring how it applies to you. (Your mate might very well need to read this, but chances are, you have some things to deal with as well.) While it's more than possible for marriage to fulfill your need for happiness, it requires ongoing work for both parties individually and also as a couple. When that happens, it's a gift and an ongoing work, not an inalienable right! Let's commit to celebrating the moments when we are working together on this, maintaining an attitude of compassion and concern for our mate. Love acts in the best interest of another, and I believe that when love is my focus, I will experience self-fulfillment. If you think you've married the wrong person because you're not happy, then I'd like to invite you to consider the possibility that perhaps your spouse isn't the difficult one, and perhaps you're more self-centered than you care to admit. If happiness is the goal and marriage is the means, then you're not focusing on how to love; you've simply created a performance-based relationship, and performance-based relationships are exhausting. If this describes you, then it's time to take a hard look at the expectations you're placing on your mate and try to learn to do things differently. Consider attending EMS Weekend or taking EMS Online. I guarantee both courses will help you and your mate gain a new perspective on your marriage. Continue Your Healing With EMS Online! Registration Opens Soon. Our Emergency Marital Seminar Online, better known as EMSO, isn't a one-size-fits-all program for couples. Over decades of experience exclusively in the field of infidelity, our methodology has been honed to better serve couples as they address the betrayal, reconnect as partners and restore their lives. "I would like to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for your ministry and the materials you have provided as part of EMSO and Married for Life. We, all five couples that started EMSO, have just completed the Married for Life 52-week course. We are now deciding what to study next as a group, as we so value the relationship we have together as couples. With God, with your materials and with each other, we have saved our marriages." - B. Minnesota | EMSO participant, March 2021. Spots fill up quickly, so you won't want to wait to register for EMSO! To learn when registration opens back up, click the button below. 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