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These affairs are committed by those have an ongoing pattern of sexual betrayal such as frequenting topless bars and/or adult bookstores, viewing pornography, compulsive masturbation, prostitution, repetitive encounters with sexual partners, and other behaviors that are destructive to both the individual and to the marital relationship. These individuals, though married, have never been able to find complete fulfillment from their marriage. Rather, they are enslaved by a drive to satisfy their longings.
Driven by obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors, they are powerless over their extra-marital attachments to behaviors, people or objects, such as pornography. These individuals look to these extramarital attachments to meet their need for love and acceptance rather than their mate.
Interestingly, this category of affairs is not about the marriage, and often the betrayer will state that they don't want to lose their marriage. Most likely they would have pursued the same behaviors regardless of whom they married. The fear and shame associated with this behavior perpetuates the dual life of an addict propelling the destructive behaviors. They often feel hopelessly trapped by these behaviors, but are afraid to come clean because they don't want to lose their marriage or give up their addictive behavior.
This type of betrayal is especially difficult for the spouse because their suffering is not just from the betrayal, but also from their inability to understand their mate's behavior. What the addict has done seems so foreign the spouse cannot comprehend it. Or they are in shock when they discover the sheer magnitude of the compulsive behavior (like a man who visiting more than 300 prostitutes).
Characteristics:
- There is a habitual pattern of extramarital behaviors that are either sexually related and/or relational.
- Typically, the betrayer wants to save their marriage, but they still have a compelling drive to look elsewhere to meet their needs.
- Often these behaviors began before the marriage, stopped after the marriage, and then began again after the addict realized that the marriage couldn't meet the need met by the addictive behavior.
- It is common for the betrayer to have made past efforts to stop the behavior, and to have actually been successful for a season, only to relapse after they believed things were better.
Frequently the betrayer has a deep sense of shame and guilt.
