Am I Who They Want? Harboring Hope registration opens monthly. Subscribe to be notified. Harboring Hope is our online course for betrayed spouses to heal after infidelity. It often sells out within a few short hours. Don't miss it! Subscribe to Registration Notifications! Sarah's Story "Do I even matter to him?" Sarah asked as she told me how she had allowed Chuck to move home last month, and even though he said he loved her, he still seemed to be pining for his affair partner. Sarah was torn wondering why she even let her husband come home if his heart was still with the other gal. Like many, Sarah asked herself over and over again, "Am I a fool for even trying to work on the marriage?" During a session together, she shared a portion of her heartbreaking story: "Three days after discovering the physical part of the infidelity, we sat down and he told me everything, but he cried when talking about his AP. In the past month, he's taken steps to make things better, and he hasn't contacted his AP, but she has tried to contact him. He says he loves me and he wants to help me heal but the only time he gets emotional is when he talks about HER. Can you imagine how hard it is for me to feel he is really remorseful? It's making me an emotional wreck. Is it possible that he's really committed to me and the marriage? At times he seems so depressed and hopeless. Is he really choosing me?" Detoxing Hopelessness engulfs the depressed. Dreams that once lit paths toward an exciting future are extinguished and replaced by the nightmare of consequences that arise from infidelity. I know it's gut-wrenching to hear this, but in many cases it's common that even after an affair ends, the dreams of a life together with the affair partner often remain. These lingering fantasies create a significant barrier for the hurt spouse to feel chosen and for the unfaithful spouse to rekindle passion for the marriage. It would seem the only remorse, compassion, or life left in the unfaithful spouse is expressed when they share their feelings about what their affair has cost them, or even their AP, rather than their spouse. This is hurtful to say the least! While troubling, this is very normal within the detox phase of recovery. If the unfaithful spouse falls in love with the affair partner and feels they've found their soul mate, new dreams are cast for the future. Dreams that once included their mate are now replaced with those constructed in the fantasy world of the affair that they now believe will bring greater happiness. It's very common, although not guaranteed, that those involved in affairs come to their senses and begin trying to put their lives back together. While rationally, they understand the need to stay and work on the marriage, their feelings lag behind. Rewriting their future often creates a more significant loss than the loss of their affair partner. They may finally be able to see the flaws in the other person, but the dreams of how their life would be still linger. Knowing something is not true doesn't necessarily make the allure of what was imagined dissipate. I can know the truth and even act on that truth, but it doesn't always feel true. For instance, I know that when I wrong my wife, an apology from me will help mend the damage. Therefore, when I've neglected to consider her thoughts or feelings, I may choose to apologize. But just because I know this truth and choose to apologize does not change the fact that I feel like doing so will humiliate me. Pride drives that feeling, so I choose to act on truth instead. Though an unfaithful spouse may know the right thing is to return home, end the charade, and work on the marriage, the thought of doing so may produce feelings of confusion and rage. If the unfaithful spouse had erased their dreams of future happiness with their mate, they will feel more hopeless in the short run. This certainly doesn't mean they don't love their mate. Love is a choice and choosing love in the absence of feeling in no way diminishes the depth of love. It does, however, impact how that love might be perceived by the betrayed spouse. Doing what you know to be right is difficult, especially if, due to a loss of vision, you can no longer trust your feelings. It's like flying an airplane in the dark. You know how the plane is flying by the instrument readings, but you also know that if you ignore the instruments and fly by what you feel to be right, you'll crash the plane. You must follow what you know to be true, not what you feel. All too often I see unfaithful spouses who have tried to "do the right thing" but they don't feel it is doing any good. They wear out, give up, and cave on the work of pursuing what is real and lasting. Feelings are wavering and deceptive. There is far too much at stake to be guided by our feelings alone. Grieving the Loss of the Affair Partner After an affair, if the unfaithful spouse seems to be grieving the loss of their AP, the hurt spouse often feels they've made a colossal mistake. It's easy to assume the unfaithful spouse isn't committed, but that's not necessarily true. More often than not, the root problem isn't a lack of commitment to the marriage but a lack of shared vision. The lack of shared vision isn't just the unfaithful spouse's problem. Dreams of the future for the betrayed spouse aren't simply rewritten, they are shattered. The impact of the betrayal causes them to question their past, their judgement, their image of the person they married, their present, and their future. The devastation of infidelity isn't their only barrier; they've also lost their vision of how life was going to be. Hopelessness demoralizes both partners, leaving them grasping for shared dreams that could energize their life together. This isn't to say that couples have to always feel passionate about their future together, but in the absence of passion, at the very least, they need to be committed to doing the next right thing. At the same time, they need to, once again, begin dreaming together and be willing to imagine a life together that both would enjoy. Recovery is hard, messy work! For the unfaithful spouse, moving forward is more than just terminating their affair. Moving forward is recreating a future vision with their mate. Similarly, recovery for the hurt spouse isn't just grieving and forgiving. Moving forward requires the courage to once again dream with their mate about what they want, and together, create shared vision for their life. There is one caveat here: The couple must address the initial trauma of the betrayal before they can begin healing the relationship itself. Nearly everyone needs to seek out qualified, expert help in order to talk rationally with one another about the damage and trauma. Casting a new vision for the future is extremely helpful in giving the couple something that is worth working toward. Finding New Momentum To create a new vision for your future, you first have to discover your mate all over again. This is certainly not a definitive list of everything that can or should be discussed, but it's a great start. When you've finished, set aside more time to talk about your goals for your life. This exercise is to be completed together. Schedule time to go through each question. I suggest finding a minimum of thirty minutes at a time. You could consider skipping your favorite television program to begin the process. You will not be able to complete this in a single setting, and it might take weeks to complete, but the effort is worth it. Try to be as open and honest as possible. Take turns going first in answering the questions and remember there are no right or wrong answers! This will help you to consider your future with one another. It's well worth the time. These things have made me proud... As a child I dreamed of... I have yet to accomplish but hope to do... I hope for __________ during my life. I fear... These things have caused me the most personal embarrassment or shame in life... The people I admire... (and why) In the past 24 hours, something I could have done better... These things have challenged me... (name at least 3) The beliefs that have guided me... In my heart of hearts, the type of spouse I want to be is... I still hope to experience in life... Some unfulfilled dreams I have for you... I've seen you suffer and endure... I hope for you... These things I admire the most about you... I still hold these goals for you... I see these strengths in you... The hopes I have for you... I see these wounds in you... A few key events that have molded me... I have healed from these wounds... As I go forward in life, I would like to become more... This is how I'd like to be remembered when I'm gone... Growing up, these were my biggest hurts... As a child, this is what I was most ashamed of... In our marriage, these things have made me proud... Creating new vision requires a desire to understand your mate rather than getting your mate to understand you. Take the time to dream about the life you'd both like to have. This will put you on the path towards a shared vision, but it will most likely require some outside help to truly heal. New dreams and new vision require expert guides to wade through the enormous trauma and uncertainty that infidelity creates. Our EMS Online course is a safe place for spouses on both sides of infidelity to grieve and heal. This course will give both of you the opportunity to connect with other couples in the same situation and provide a path for growing together toward a new life of freedom and purpose. Registration opens monthly and you can subscribe to our notification list to be alerted beforehand. Harboring Hope registration opens monthly. Subscribe to be notified. Harboring Hope is our online course for betrayed spouses to heal after infidelity. It often sells out within a few short hours. Don't miss it! Subscribe to Registration Notifications! Sections: NewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: For The Hurt SpouseFor the Unfaithful SpouseHandling DiscoveryRecovery FundamentalsStrengthening MarriageRL_Media Type: Text
