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EMS Online

Gr8 idea! Thanks for the invite! My husband and I are taking full advantage of this ebook to mend our broken relationship and to learn to trust and love each other again.

trust issues

Trust after Drip Feeding for a year

Trust issues after drip feeding over a year

I the betrayed have been dealing with drip feeding and trickle truths for over a year and a half. It took the unfaithful that long to see the devastation and the pain I was feeling. We are now into two years after ground zero. She is now just starting to show signs of remorse and empathy. The pain was and sometimes is unbearable. When she show signs of trying and I find out about more lies from the past I feel them in the present. I know she's trying, but I've given her I feel thousands of chances to come clean to have a clean conscience. I am just worried about when is the next pain going to come, when is the next surprise going to come. Will I ever know all the truth? Am I able to let it go. Why does everything she says now still sound hollow?

Drip, Drip

I am in the same boat. 2yrs and 3 months. She claims it didnt mean anything yet she still gets upset if ithe affair is referenced in any way. Also she was text with him 200 times a month sending pics and songs and says there is nothing in texts that she hasn't told but has flipped out twice when they were mentioned and the oihurtfuyl things she said were worse than anything she has ever said. I have never loved you, no one likes you.
I actually was starting to believe it wasn't much till that happened. Then again a few weeks later confirmed there is definitely something that is a big deal. why couldn't she be smart and act like there is nothing there. I can never retrieve them and she will never tell and continue to act as if there was nothing in the texts I would have cared about. It's amazing how I was the smartest person she new for the first 10 years. Now obviously I must be the dumbest if she thinks I or anyone else would believe that.

Trust issues after drip feeding for over a year

I too felt with drip feeding as the betrayed for almost a year. I continued to work on myself while trying different techniques with my husband having a hard time express his feelings and say what he needed to without it coming out wrong. One day I bought him a journal and personalized the inside cover telling him that I believed in him and see him trying and anytime he felt he was losing his way or needed to get something out to just write. This helped in dramatically because i do believe he was in pain due to his decision making causing our family to almost seperarte and the guilt he carried. We communicate much better now about alot. Though we have a long way to go i can say it does get easier. I completely understand the ground zero and pain you are feeling. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Good luck! C

He won’t admit anything I don’t have proof of

This feels a lot like the unwillingness to totally come clean that I experience. My spouse will not admit anything I haven’t discovered or found. What this does is turn me into a detective where I feel like I have to discover every detail of my own truth if I want any truth at all. It comes from a root of deception, self-preservation and an effort to protect those people they were involved with. It does NOT come from a place of willingness of full disclosure or to help their wife or partner heal. It prioritizes themselves over their partner…the exact OPPOSITE of what marriage should be. 😞

Thank you for this booklet.

Thank you for this booklet. Each time I read it I gain new insights. My partner chose the button for "half-hearted effort" and the relationship failed 2 years 3 months post discovery. He said all the right words but didn't follow through with his promises. Unfortunately it's a pattern he exhibited in prior relationships but I was foolish enough to think it would be different with me. Now I'm left with healing from both his infidelities and abandonment. Pages 12 & 13 about safety, mistrust, and trust really hit home, especially if I'm ever to have a healthy relationship in the future.


I agree that I always gain new insight after reading this article. Before we attended EMS and had the help and support from AR, I felt very isolated and confused. I didn't realize that what was lacking in our relationship post D-day was safety. My spouse was falling victim to all the "typical" unfaithful responses. He was ambivalent about his feelings, defensive to me, and not all in. He would say he wanted to try and make our marriage work but I never truly bought into it. I always felt this enormous sense of dread hanging over us.

After our weekend at EMS things started to change. The lightbulb came on for my spouse and he immediately started to follow the steps that created a feeling of safety for me during our recovery. We still have good days/bad days, but for the most part I once again feel safe in the relationship. My anxiety on a daily basis is manageable and I no longer feel uncertain about our ability to move forward. Understanding the concept of safety in the recovery process has definitely been a key for us and is allowing me to restore my trust in my spouse and our marriage. Thank you for helping us both understand the steps needed to build a stronger foundation moving forward.

Just one small edit Page 6, last paragraph, need to add and s to the word section - "This document has three section(s)".

the shocking truth about trust

I was involved in an affair that lasted almost two years. Not a day goes by that I don't regret my actions and how it hurt my wife and could have cost me my children. I have been extremely transparent with my wife concerning the details of the other relationship since the discovery. Some days i struggle to understand how it benefits my wife to know so many details. I trust that it is the only way for her to see that despite my faults I am still the honest man she has always known me to be. I will not stop trying.

Full disclosure

Even though it may initially feel like the whole truth would only hurt the betrayed spouse, causing unnecessary pain, the opposite is true. It is vital for healing to have a full disclosure. The willingness of an unfaithful spouse to be transparent and provide a full disclosure provides a sense of safety to the betrayed spouse. It’s a step that says, “I’m done with keeping and protecting secrets that have so deeply wounded you. I can’t undo the past, but I will have the courage to do whatever it takes to help you to find healing.” The acts themselves are undoubtedly painful, but it’s the deception and betrayal that destroys so much more, the secrets and lies. A full disclosure allows the wounded spouse to know what it is they are forgiving their spouse for. A full disclosure provides the betrayed spouse with the right they haven’t had, the right to concent, to know the whole truth and make their own choices based on the facts, the truth. I can promise you, more often than not, the betrayed spouse’s imagination is often far worse. Experiencing betrayal trauma is shattering, and the suffocating weight of continuous, intrusive and debilitating thoughts can at times be all consuming. Having the truth, having answers, that can provide a sense of peace, a calm in the storm, something to hold onto when the floor beneath them has fallen away. Hearing the truth is painful and immeasurably devastating, but until they know the truth, healing in the relationship isn’t possible. Without the truth, a betrayed spouse can feel stuck in the trauma, the never ending versions of their imagination playing on repeat, feeling the need to investigate their spouse to find some sense of safety, it’s crazy making, and so damaging. The truth is a courageous step to help your spouse to find healing, to be able to forgive, to eventually step out of the debilitating trauma. It also opens the door for trust to be rebuilt, to give hope that someday the two of you can have a true and deep intimacy unlike anything you could have imagined, a marriage built on honesty and vulnerability that is the only way to have a truly deep and meaningful connection.

Couldn't Agree more

This reads like I wrote it myself. We tried a different program that wanted so much healing and connection done and wanted the truths to come way later ( yup, agreeing to forgive what I didn't even know about til "they were ready", years?never?) ,so damaging to me ! It didn't work for me. Waiting 7 months ( after 5 years) to get information this program said should be given early-that was ridiculous. It also encouraged further partial deceptions (quoted their "none of my business for my protection"). I feel could have ended our attempt to heal because- I felt so very unsafe and he continued non sexual contact text/phone advice sessions and gave me edited truths/defensiveness against basic simple information. I wish we started here, way better path to start heading in right direction for both.

Signing up for online course

I was interested in signing up for your online course, but they are all full.
My husband and I are in need of thg his to help us with rebuilding and healing our marriage.
Our marriage is heading to 19 years, and an ex girlfriend reconnected with him in June 2017. It has been difficult to convince him that this has been an emotional affair, he just doesn't see what he is doing by continuing this friendship is hurting our healing. I never caught them doing anything, he has done certain behaviors that have crossed the friendship line.
We are in Marriage and Individual couseling.
We are just begun, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to see this through.
I look forward to hearing back from you soon.

Hoping to save my marriage

I had an affair that lingered 4 1/2 years because I got involved after my husband told me he was miserable 8 weeks into our marriage. This was on top of my ex spouse of 22 years(16 being married) passed away unexpectedly 3 weeks after our marriage with bizarre circumstances attached that consumed me, my youngest daughter was wanting to be with her dad and saying she was going to commit suicide just did not know how at 11 years old, we were not handling financial communication well. We did not have a whole lot of money. It was a perfect storm of emotional distress on my part. I cried by myself in an aisle at work and a married man that is a womanizer played on my emotions. Once I was with him the first time, I felt guilty and stuck in an affair I did not want to be in. We were together at first about 10 times and then over the course of 4 years about 2 -3 x a year. We stopped talking for about a year in between even. I never texted or called him. I was always wanting to be with my family. My husband found out last year. We stayed together last year and chose us about 2 months later. It has been 9 months and he said he cannot work through this. He wants us out by June. I have 2 teenagers. Neither are his. I love him and felt like last year I could be the wife I wanted to be before all of the chaos in my life.What do I do?

The pain is too much to handle

We have been married 28 years. I found out about his affair almost 2 Years ago but the pain and anger still feel as though I found out today. We’ve been to marriage counseling it it’s not helping. I think we both want the marriage to work but I don’t want to live with someone I don’t know if I’ll ever trust again. I feel as though my entire life has been one big lie. I know we need trauma help but can’t seem to find anything. We can’t afford the programs you offer so we are at an impass. Please guide us to what to do before we both crumble.

A very moving book!

Saw the ebook and ordered it before we went for dinner. Read it to my wife once we got home this evening, a very meaningful night, lots of discussions. I think my wife could feel how I felt after the original affair she had. I think we felt each others hearts tonight. We dropped the ball after the 1st time. I do not expect to drop the ball this time, if she does then we will not make it. Time will tell if it is worth it for us to work hard on this together.

When there's Darkness, there's Light

My partner and I aren't married, but we've had issues in the past as it occurred that I've had several affairs. I, the Unfaithful, want to show how remorseful and desperate I am and want to help heal the wounds of our relationship, but I'm afraid I can't do that until I am able to heal myself. It really hurts to see my partner look confused and feel conflicted about these decisions, but I want to do whatever it takes to heal myself. I'm looking forward to join this EMS program and hope to come out an even better of myself.

My Heart-Mind

I am excited to take this journey for healing and hope. I’ve leaned on Jesus and faith so far I was a drug addict and was the betrayed one. My journey may be long, but it’s OK. I hold it together on the outside most of the time and others cannot see. I’m dealing with very bad thoughts constantly while trying to, make love to my wife these images or multiple images from the past and also the present while I work while I sleep I’m just trying to play with my kids. My mind is consumed. I’ve become extremely insecure about myself and second guess if I am a good sex partner now for her , my mind can’t wrap around or comprehend any other reason why I don’t feel like I’m good enough in the bedroom for her and when I ask, I believe she’s just saying yes to not hurt my feelings I’m constantly comparing myself to the man that I have seen and it’s plagued my mind my situation is very difficult and my mind is constantly going my mind connects with finding out how far and how much effort she at the time put into doing this the lying the manipulation. The acting looks so pure I never read through it what makes it hard is it seems like I have to force her to love me , I feel like I’m constantly a private investigator and always waiting for the next time it’ll happen I’m afraid to be away more than 24 hours because I think it’ll happen again it’s different than drug addiction because it’s a substance but not a human I even resorted to pornography and watching it when I was high to try to learn what are you do and maybe do the same thing in our room thinking she did what she did because I had poor performance in the bedroom and then the porn grabbed a hold of me so I got hit double. I had dived into the porn to try to learn, I’m trying to regain regret the feeling it was like the first day I met her and that emotion thrill and drive we had through the betrayal in our children growing up. I feel Laster all the time on the back burner and never properly Morgned or grieved. there’s no one else I love more than her, and since our marriage, I have stayed faithful many have tried many have asked me and I’ve turned them down and have let her now even to the point of when a woman just says hi I’ll tell her. I love my wife and one our marriage to work I just feel like the enemy has hit us with such a big impact that she don’t know how to explain it. I’m trying to get through it and the hardest thing is when she says I love you and I know it’s happened more than 4×4 different people , I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to feel but I know I love her and love the children I’m really desiring and looking for a fresh fire like it was when we first met her desire for me was incredible. It was like I couldn’t take a step, no matter where we were and she took care of everything financially and emotionally now it seems like I’m the last in line or I have to remind her over and over again I know we’re busy and she is busy but I also know what it was like when we first met that’s what I want back I’m not giving up I really please just need help. what should I do? How can I help myself, how can I help her and what can we do to create that fire again like we had.


Struggling with this right now. Excellent resource. I read this last night. Thank you.


I received the ebook The Shocking Truth About Trust, thank you. I’d like my spouse to get a copy also. How can I accomplish that?

what to do while waiting for a new course

We have done the boot camp, but the next EMSO is not until Sept 20th. Is there a book you can suggest we read while we wait?

Drip feeding

I am the unfaithful spouse, I have had too many sexual encounters to mentions dating back to 2012, from brothels to prostitutes, and even declaring love to a couple of prostitutes, filming and using the material later on. I have had difficulty expressing my shame to such an extent that I continually contemplate suicide as I cannot see how I can ever help my wife to recover from this. Not only that I have drip fed my wife since March this year on the details and the extent of my behaviour. I do not feel I will ever be able to gain my trust from my wife again and she does not believe it either. We are still together and I have finally revealed the final secret to her last week that I held from her. She had mostly found out the information before, and then I admitted to it, it thus makes it very hard if not impossible for her to believe that there are more secrets. It seems I have conditioned her not to believe me from still holding secrets because of my recent actions.
I am on my knees now, as she continually says that I am still holding a major secret from her, and I do not know what to say to her anymore. She really believes she has a "feeling" that I still have not told her everything or that she knows for a fact that I have not revealed all, which is very understandable considering the way I have given her the information, but I have nothing left to give her what can I do now if I am still been told I am lying when I am not?
At a loss what to do and desperate to try and find some path to walk on, as I love her too much and do not want to loose her even though that is probably the best thing for her.