Affair Recovery

Dr. Dan Siegel introduced a phrase to help trauma survivors self-soothe entitled "Name it to tame it." It's vital we honestly name our emotions if we're going to find clarity, healing and ultimately self-compassion. The phrase isn't limited to self-soothing but also to helping our betrayed and unfaithful partners when they flood or are feeling immense triggers. While our own mental health is our...

"I don't even know who I am anymore" is one of the most common statements shared in therapeutic sessions after a spouse endeavors to heal from infidelity. They feel like they're losing themselves, or worse, have already lost themselves giving way to bouts of almost uncontrollable rage, anger and life changing trauma. The truth is, they just may be losing a version of themselves that needs to be grieved...

After the disclosure of an affair or addiction, it's normal to feel like you're drowning in hopelessness, despair and outright chaos. Today Samuel not only provides validation to that trauma but a compelling direction for those who are trying to find a pathway to healing and new life. While providing a picture of courage and tenacity, today's video moves the viewer from drowning in hopelessness to a personal revival of...

Betrayed partners are constantly looking for safety from the unfaithful partner. But how do you know they are safe and what are a few signs or markers one can look for to determine if they appear serious about their own recovery work? Today Samuel shares a few examples of safety both from his own story as well as almost two decades worth of experience helping those in crisis. While safety is a necessity in post...

When a spouse or partner is serious about repairing the damage of their affair or addiction on their loved ones, the simple truth is, you can see it. You can feel it in their voice, you see it in their demeanor and you notice it in their overall approach to recovery work. But what are those indicating signs and where can you find them? Today Samuel shares just a few but palatable signs that the unfaithful is...

I was having a conversation with my Affair Recovery editor recently, and we talked about the motivation behind my decision to blog about infidelity. It can be emotionally heavy, and logistically difficult amidst work, home, and family responsibilities, particularly as I continue to devote time and energy to therapy and...

Last time in the studio, Samuel interviewed expert therapist and infidelity survivor, Amanda Asproni, on the defense mechanisms of the unfaithful spouses. Today they continue their interview but shift to defense mechanisms of the betrayed spouse. While the unfaithful are quick to utilize these deflections in an effort to reduce blame, shift focus and take the attention off themselves, the betrayed also utilize their own defense mechanisms. How...

After the revelation of infidelity, memories and milestones become a very tricky landscape. Reminiscence that used to instill joy, nostalgia, and peace, can now elicit a very different set of emotions. Reflection on the past can be truly debilitating in the face of betrayal. As a whole, anniversaries, dates, seasons, etc. now carry a sting. But there is a particularly cruel mockery that enshrouds a wedding anniversary...

After the disclosure of an affair, the betrayed partner can feel paralyzed. Especially if the unfaithful refuses to get help of any significant type and resorts to being elusive, ambivalent or resistant. Today Samuel shares an effective tool for the betrayed partner to consider utilizing in a situation where they feel as if they have little to no influence at all. While we can't control our unfaithful partner, we can use...

When trying to heal from infidelity or addiction, it's inevitable we will run into myths surrounding what healing from infidelity requires as well as what recovery 'should' and 'should not' look like. It's unfortunate that many who have been through this tragedy would make their experience everyone's experience by giving advice that's not 100% true or accurate or for everyone. Today Samuel shares a few common and destructive myths that...

Shortly after our D-Day, Gary and Debbie, another couple who were decades into their recovery told us, "You are going to start to see things that other people don't see. You are going to start living at a new level and notice things in other people around you that you never saw before." I remember thinking, "Hmm... I wonder what they mean by that?" I would soon find out.

I...

Last week, Samuel discussed a few signs that the unfaithful was unsafe in their own recovery process. This week, we look at ways the unfaithful can help the betrayed partner avoid self-sabotaging or undermining the recovery process for the relationship as a whole. While each situation is unique and challenging, Samuel and special guest and expert clinician Amanda Asproni share insight into navigating the...

It's hard not to think of kids playing, grouped on opposite sides of a thick rope, muscling as hard as they can to overtake the other group and pull them over a line on the ground, when you hear "tug of war." It can sometimes last a little while, or it can end in a split second. I wish betrayal could be that easy. One side wins and it's done, and everyone goes off to play. It's not that easy though, in any situation. Most of the time, there is a winning side and a losing side.

When someone experiences betrayal it is an...

After an affair, the unfaithful party can struggle with a tremendous amount of confusion and disorientation. Of course we know the betrayed can feel this way as well, but today Samuel is going to focus on a discipline that all wayward spouses can learn from: the view from the bottom. Borrowed from a commentary by Richard Rohr, Samuel shares the need for the unfaithful party to adopt and practice...