Shame: A Pervasive Cancer of the Soul Shame: Beginning to Break Free
Facing my shame that has plagued me my whole life has been eye-opening for me. I am learning that past trauma that I had left unattended to created a...
Have you ever wondered if you or your partner is a narcissist? Or a sex addict? This may surprise you, but being labeled a narcissist or sex addict are two of the most over-diagnosed labels that ...
Shame: A Pervasive Cancer of the Soul Part 2: Coming Soon, October 15!
This past March, about 13 months after our D-Day, my husband suffered a ruptured brain aneurysm that landed him in the ER for emergency surgery. After his surgery, he spent 14 days in the ICU fighting for his life. Brain aneurysms usually have no symptoms until they rupture, and when they do, the survival rate is less than 50%. Needless to say,...
Every safe and healthy formerly unfaithful spouse eventually comes to the realization that mere "I'm sorries" just aren't enough. Restoration takes time, gut-wrenching effort, and expert help. Without any of those variables, the repair process can seem absolutely impossible. The good news is, there is a way to heal and survive cheating of any kind in...
Welcome to Affair Recovery's Harboring Hope Monthly Drawing. We want to know you. We want to serve you. This means we want to hear from you!
The first step is telling us what we can do for you. Please tell us why you’d like to take Harboring Hope.If you made a comment prior to a previous registration period, that comment is still good for your entry.
Remember, submit a comment of 500 words or less about why you'd like to take the Harboring Hope course. Remember, it's a random drawing so your entry won't be based on merit or on your situation. Comments will be moderated by AR...
There are so many painful words that flood our minds following betrayal: Hurt. Stupid. Angry. Deceived. Heartbroken. Lost. Humiliated. Duped. Blindsided. Gullible. Used. Tricked. Embarrassed. Shattered. Disgraced. Ashamed. Crushed. Afraid. Numb.
All of those words are so painful, but there are two words that cut me to the core - not enough.
People compare themselves to others for a variety of reasons across many areas of life. The reasons for comparison may sound different on the surface, but mostly they are all pointing toward determining how...
Some of the worst battles I've found myself in have been with my ego and self-shaming tendencies. I've learned, after countless sleepless nights and awful bouts of depression, that we cannot 'self-shame' our way into healing, restoration or wellness. Hating ourselves will never move us to a healthier place. We may lose weight. We may develop a healthy new habit or excel in the gym, but in terms of finding our more mentally and emotionally balanced selves, we will fail miserably. Believe me; I've tried...
The foundations of any healthy, life-giving marriage or long-lasting relationship are built in humility, compassion and self-sacrifice, (just to name a few). The antithesis of these is something called “destructive entitlement.” Believe it or not, after the disclosure of infidelity or addiction, one or both spouses can feel destructively entitled to various ways of handling the pain, trauma, and of course, perceived abandonment and rejection. The truth is, most marriages can be saved after this life-altering...
“Somewhere along the way in my own journey, I realized I was abandoning myself. With help from a few infidelity experts, I came to a realization that me sacrificing myself was not going to save the marriage.”
The above quote is from a woman I spoke with recently, who wept at the realization that she had abandoned herself in an attempt to save her marriage. While she was constantly...
The affair happens. Maybe the betrayed spouse knows something about it, maybe they don't. In my case, I was very much aware. I asked him about it. Pointedly. Directly. Repeatedly. He lied. He told me I was "crazy," "paranoid," being "ridiculous." He would not tell me the truth. I knew it. He knew it. He knew that I knew it. But, no truth was to be had and we were at an impasse. Maybe you can relate.
Time passed. After an excruciating season, the affair eventually ended. Life went on. We both pretended all was 'normal,' but the secret remained between us, a wall that could...
Choosing to move forward after infidelity stretches any strong man or woman to their very core. Today, Samuel shares from his many failures and successes on how he has been able to find hope, healing, and courage to go forward, despite many disappointments and frustrations.
Harboring Hope registration opens monthly....
Lisa Arends frequently shares her compelling story of her ex-husband divorcing her through a mere text message. What unfolded next was a story fit for the cinema screen. Several years later, Lisa is remarried, pursuing a vibrant career in data science, and impacting the lives of thousands of hurting, betrayed spouses who are looking for the courage to keep going after divorce. Lisa has a knack for encouraging those who are trying to heal, not only in practical ways, but also through expert insight into the mind of the betrayed spouse.
Though...
If you have a heart attack or are diagnosed with cancer, it is treated with seriousness and urgency. No one says "try not to think about it," "focus on good things" or "just let it go." No. The doctor sits you down and refers you to a team of helpful, trained professionals who are lined up to draft a plan with realistic expectations, answer your questions, and assist and support you until you are healed.
The recovery plan is laid out for you. You are given step-by-step instructions and a contact person, or a team of experts, to guide you through it to the end. No one would expect you to know...
Part 1: Bridging the Gap Between the Unfaithful and Betrayed Spouse Part 2: When Both Spouses Feel Abandoned
During healing from infidelity, attunement is a couple’s...
When we allow our inner world to resonate with our partner’s inner world, we can discover a new level of...
Today, I’m thrilled to share my most recent interview with best-selling author Thomas Gagliano. He specializes in family-focused therapy, and is also an expert in childhood trauma, family dynamics and addiction — including the crisis of infidelity.
Last time we met, he discussed self-sabotage, infidelity and resistance to obtaining professional help. Today, Tom will be exploring the mind of the unfaithful,...
When you are walking through a difficult chapter after infidelity, addiction or another significant crisis, you are likely looking for a few things: healing, peace of mind, clarity, understanding, personal restoration and perhaps even relational restoration. Ultimately, what we really want is transformation. We want this agony to be transformed into healing and joy.
We have a choice: We can either transmit our pain or we can transform it. We can do the...
Part 1: You Are Not Stupid for Having Been Deceived Part 2: After Betrayal: Don’t Second-Guess Yourself Using 20/20 Hindsight
Last time, we talked about how stupid we can feel after betrayal is discovered or disclosed. It is a universal feeling that only adds insult to the injury of betrayal. It leaves us wondering: If we had been savvier, would everything have somehow been different and our spouses would not have betrayed us? There is nothing like marital betrayal to make you question everything about yourself, your reality and even...
When devastation hits, we embark upon this journey of survival. We begin to wonder, “How do I survive this enormous amount of pain and trauma I’m in? How do I make it through to the other side?” Sometimes, we may even wonder, “How do I make it through today?” What I have found in my own healing from and surviving infidelity efforts is that I’m doing two things simultaneously: learning and unlearning.
As the amazing author Richard Rohr says, when we are in...
Registration for EMS Online Opens Soon. Don't Miss Out!
Spots fill up quickly, so you won’t want to wait to register for our Emergency Marital Seminar Online. Better known as EMSO, this 13-week infidelity recovery course has helped thousands of couples rebuild their relationships and restore their lives. Click the button below to be notified when registration opens back up.
"How could I have been so stupid?" Anyone who's been betrayed has thought this, felt this and owned this at some point in time. But take it from me: You are not stupid.
Adding salt to the wound of betrayal is a series of self-doubt about who we are, what we are and how we are. After betrayal, we can doubt our value as a spouse and as a person,...
EMS Weekend Is Back in Person!
Everyone has been asking and the time has come: EMS Weekend is finally back in person! Spots are selling out fast for this life-changing retreat, so make your in-person or virtual reservation today.
Today, I'm going to discuss something that's at the cornerstone of recovery for couples: How to rebuild...
Join Us at the Virtual Hope Rising Conference on October 2!
Tickets are now available for our 4th annual Hope Rising Conference for betrayed spouses. Space is limited. Learn more and purchase tickets using the button below.
I think anybody who's gone through infidelity comes to the point where they ask themselves:
Not too long ago, someone pulled me aside and asked, “Seriously, how long is it going to be like this?” At our EMS Weekends in person, the conversations inevitably take a turn to these sorts of questions. Often, participants want to know:
Registration for EMS Online Opens Soon!
Spots fill up quickly, so you won't want to wait to register for our Emergency Marital Seminar Online. Better known as EMSO, this 13-week course has helped thousands of couples rebuild their relationships and restore their lives after infidelity.
Over the last decade in a half or so, I’ve been doing my own work and had the privilege of watching other people do their work as they heal from infidelity or addiction. During that time, I’ve come to the realization that, in many ways, our healing, our future and our personal restoration require the ownership of two things: our choices and our outcomes.
If I can’t own the choices that I’ve made, particularly as an unfaithful spouse, I’m not safe and I make myself a victim. If we...
Today, I want to talk to you about a major turning point that happens in all of our lives. This turning point is going to challenge some of you, and it's OK to be challenged in your affair recovery timeline. This turning point is the day when we hold ourselves accountable for our own healing. When I made the shift and began to hold myself accountable for my own recovery, it changed my life, it changed my healing and it changed my heart. At the core...
Have you ever been so frustrated because you couldn't get your mate to think, feel or act how you wanted them to? Have you ever hit that point in affair recovery where you so desperately wanted to get your loved one to do something, see something, and you just couldn't?
While recovering after an affair, we can become such control freaks when we try to get someone to experience something as we would. In these moments, our frustration can be off the charts.
In life and in infidelity recovery, there are seasons. Whether you're recovering from infidelity pain as an individual or as a couple, some of these seasons are going to be incredibly challenging. I'm sorry to tell you, there's no way around them. But there is some good news: Seasons don't last forever. And while you will experience days of agony, you'll also experience good days;...
Happiness only comes when you open the door to pain. You simply can't have one without the other. As a betrayed spouse, I know this all too well.
I've learned to live with what happened to me. It's become a part of my history, something profound that I went through. This brokenness has become a part of me, one that's interwoven with the fabric of my life story. This revelation is what I think they call "acceptance."
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Alumnus. Unfaithful. Doing his best with his 2nd chance in his marriage and life.
Alumna. Unfaithful. Striving to become a woman of integrity. Together, we can find light in the darkness of infidelity.
Alumna, Betrayed. Seeking God's grace to find meaning and purpose in the pain. Hoping to share my life raft with others drowning in the despair of infidelity.
Alumna. Betrayed. Discovering the benefits of a fully transformed marriage through the recovery journey. Committing to giving comfort to others in their storms.
Alumna. Member, EMS Weekend Retreat Team. Hope and healing are possible for anyone willing to work through the pain.
Alumna. Betrayed. Striving to recover and thrive after betrayal. I believe gratitude is the antidote to grief. If I can help you in your healing, therein lies my own.
Alumnus. Betrayed. Trying to find his way back.
Alumna. Unfaithful. A broken and undeserving mess who is learning what real love looks like.
Alumna. Betrayed. Determined to be positive as I navigate the quagmire of recovery.
Alumna. Betrayed. A soul restored. Encouraging others to keep walking because there is a way through. Author of Keep Walking: 40 Days to Hope and Freedom After Betrayal
Alumna. Betrayed. Grateful for God's love and grace. Recognizing that with God as my priority, I will be okay no matter what.
Alumnus. Betrayed. No matter how long it takes or how hard it is, my wife is always worth it!
Alumna. Betrayed. Learning to love recklessly while I cross the monkey bars of recovery. "You have to let go at some point in order to move forward." - C.S. Lewis
Alumna. Betrayed. Walking in obedience to God's direction and experiencing a richer life and Renewed marriage.
Alumnus. Unfaithful. Living life differently, enjoying my wife and family, and grateful for God’s love.
Alumna. Betrayed. Experiencing God's love after divorce. Celebrating the healing of myself and my identity.
Alumna. Betrayed. Continuing to fight for my marriage and my children.
Alumnus. Unfaithful. Living proof that seeking truth offers both incredible pain and amazing freedom.
