Welcome

As past participants, we want our walks through infidelity to bring hope, inspiration, and courage to your own journey.
, 1 month 23 hours ago
If someone had told me in the beginning I could carry the happy and sad feelings at the same time I would have been horrified thinking it meant the good ones would be forced and fake. I couldn't comprehend how I would everbe able to hold these feelings side-by-side and not feel devastated every moment of the day. But what I'm experiencing now is much more peaceful.

"When you are standing in [a] forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure...

, 1 month 2 weeks ago

Welcome to Affair Recovery's Harboring Hope Monthly Drawing. We want to know you. We want to serve you. This means we want to hear from you!

The first step is telling us what we can do for you. Please tell us why you’d like to take Harboring Hope. If you made a comment prior to a previous registration period, that comment is still good for your entry.

Remember, submit a comment of 500 words or less about why you'd like to take the Harboring Hope course. Remember, it's a random drawing so your entry won't be based on merit or on your situation. Comments will be moderated...

, 1 month 3 weeks ago

Dr. Dan Siegel introduced a phrase to help trauma survivors self-soothe entitled "Name it to tame it." It's vital we honestly name our emotions if we're going to find clarity, healing and ultimately self-compassion. The phrase isn't limited to self-soothing but also to helping our betrayed and unfaithful partners when they flood or are feeling immense triggers. While our own mental health is our...

, 1 month 4 weeks ago

Understanding red flags in the life of the unfaithful spouse or partner serves two purposes. One, it can help the unfaithful understand how they are being perceived by their partner (and professionals) and assist them in understanding how their behavior is impacting their betrayed partner. Two, it can help the betrayed understand that what may seem like normal, usual behavior in both the marriage...

, 2 months 1 day ago

"I don't even know who I am anymore" is one of the most common statements shared in therapeutic sessions after a spouse endeavors to heal from infidelity. They feel like they're losing themselves, or worse, have already lost themselves giving way to bouts of almost uncontrollable rage, anger and life changing trauma. The truth is, they just may be losing a version of themselves that needs to be grieved...

, 2 months 1 week ago

After an affair, the lives of both the unfaithful and the betrayed are seldom ever the same. It can feel as though that version of themselves is gone forever and they're left without any hope of returning to who they were before the affair. Attempting to go back to one's old life after disclosure can feel impossible while trying to accept this new identity can also feel unreachable. Without a guide and without a plan, those in crisis can feel disoriented and lost, oftentimes...

, 2 months 1 week ago

After the disclosure of an affair or addiction, it's normal to feel like you're drowning in hopelessness, despair and outright chaos. Today Samuel not only provides validation to that trauma but a compelling direction for those who are trying to find a pathway to healing and new life. While providing a picture of courage and tenacity, today's video moves the viewer from drowning in hopelessness to a personal revival of...

, 2 months 2 weeks ago

If a betrayed partner doesn't experience or see authentic empathy from their unfaithful partner, the recovery efforts of that unfaithful become suspect. "Maybe they are just trying to not lose me and/or the family?" "Maybe they don't want to change and heal, they just want to not talk about it and move on?" Those are just some of the questions the betrayed ask themselves. Today Samuel shares...

, 3 months 4 days ago

Betrayed partners are constantly looking for safety from the unfaithful partner. But how do you know they are safe and what are a few signs or markers one can look for to determine if they appear serious about their own recovery work? Today Samuel shares a few examples of safety both from his own story as well as almost two decades worth of experience helping those in crisis. While safety is a necessity in post...

, 3 months 6 days ago
it isn't fair that the aftermath of infidelity happens on top of the life that we had planned on living. That life gets derailed for a time, and that time can vary widely from person to person. But life doesn't stop for trauma or illness or death. It just keeps spinning, and eventually we catch up. But when we do, it can be a real gut punch to look back and see wht we missed.

The hard and sometimes messy...

, 3 months 1 week ago

When a spouse or partner is serious about repairing the damage of their affair or addiction on their loved ones, the simple truth is, you can see it. You can feel it in their voice, you see it in their demeanor and you notice it in their overall approach to recovery work. But what are those indicating signs and where can you find them? Today Samuel shares just a few but palatable signs that the unfaithful is...

, 3 months 2 weeks ago

The last thing any partner needs when trying to heal from infidelity is more wounding. The road to recovery is hard enough without any added complications and land mines to navigate. But how do you tell the difference between what is toxic and what is normal? How do you properly and compassionately understand your partner's response even though it may be harsh? Is it justified or is it just out of...

, 3 months 2 weeks ago
I write from the place I wish I had available to me when I first started down this path the messy middle the real and raw places to offer validation and hope for others that are like me

I was having a conversation with my Affair Recovery editor recently, and we talked about the motivation behind my decision to blog about infidelity. It can be emotionally heavy, and logistically difficult amidst work, home, and family responsibilities, particularly as I continue to devote time and energy to therapy and...

, 3 months 3 weeks ago

For decades betrayed partners have shared vehemently how they feel they are the ones having to console or care for their unfaithful partners after the disclosure of an affair. It's a thorn in the side of a generation of betrayed partners who feel like they are the true victims in this equation, yet they are paralyzed by an unfaithful partner who continues to make the situation more about them...

, 4 months 1 week ago

Last time in the studio, Samuel interviewed expert therapist and infidelity survivor, Amanda Asproni, on the defense mechanisms of the unfaithful spouses. Today they continue their interview but shift to defense mechanisms of the betrayed spouse. While the unfaithful are quick to utilize these deflections in an effort to reduce blame, shift focus and take the attention off themselves, the betrayed also utilize their own defense mechanisms. How...

, 4 months 2 weeks ago

For those of us who have been unfaithful, if we are honest with ourselves, we can admit we sometimes lack motivation to pursue help and do the hard work necessary after an affair. We struggle in being honest with others, our partner or spouse, and even ourselves. To avoid owning all of the blame for our affair(s) we will employ 'defense mechanisms'. These defense mechanisms not only delay our individual and relational healing, they cause more...

, 4 months 2 weeks ago
I want him to see and understand how important it is that I make this special despite the pain.

After the revelation of infidelity, memories and milestones become a very tricky landscape. Reminiscence that used to instill joy, nostalgia, and peace, can now elicit a very different set of emotions. Reflection on the past can be truly debilitating in the face of betrayal. As a whole, anniversaries, dates, seasons, etc. now carry a sting. But there is a particularly cruel mockery that enshrouds a wedding anniversary...

, 4 months 3 weeks ago

When couples attempt to heal from infidelity or addiction, they're faced with many staggering truths that can make or break both their own recovery and the relationship. Today Samuel points a way through the smoke and malaise of denial and loss to clarity, courage and hope for the future.

, 5 months 1 day ago

After the disclosure of an affair, the betrayed partner can feel paralyzed. Especially if the unfaithful refuses to get help of any significant type and resorts to being elusive, ambivalent or resistant. Today Samuel shares an effective tool for the betrayed partner to consider utilizing in a situation where they feel as if they have little to no influence at all. While we can't control our unfaithful partner, we can use...

, 5 months 1 week ago

Trusting again after infidelity is no easy task for the betrayed partner. The unfaithful can spend an enormous amount of energy doing what they think will help regain trust with the betrayed, only to find themselves frustrated, confused and in some cases angry at the realization that the betrayed still doesn't trust them. To many outside the arena of affair recovery, trusting again seems impossible, yet to those who have walked the road of healing and restoration, trust is in fact possible....

, 5 months 2 weeks ago

When trying to heal from infidelity or addiction, it's inevitable we will run into myths surrounding what healing from infidelity requires as well as what recovery 'should' and 'should not' look like. It's unfortunate that many who have been through this tragedy would make their experience everyone's experience by giving advice that's not 100% true or accurate or for everyone. Today Samuel shares a few common and destructive myths that...

, 5 months 3 weeks ago

It's a question the betrayed partner finds themselves asking time and time again: Is my unfaithful partner repairable? What betrayed partner wouldn't ask this question? While every situation is different, the answer can be crucial to the hope of the betrayed and the self-esteem of the unfaithful. Today you'll hear Samuel share pointed but compassionate markers on how to tell if the unfaithful partner is repairable or not. Rest assured, for...

, 5 months 4 weeks ago
Trying to go forward while dragging around people who don't want to grow, is like plowing forward with a bag full of bricks in a pit of quicksand.

Shortly after our D-Day, Gary and Debbie, another couple who were decades into their recovery told us, "You are going to start to see things that other people don't see. You are going to start living at a new level and notice things in other people around you that you never saw before." I remember thinking, "Hmm... I wonder what they mean by that?" I would soon find out.

I...

, 5 months 4 weeks ago

Determining when the unfaithful partner is safe in recovery work can be confusing, daunting and just plain overwhelming. The good news is, there are metrics one can use to determine if the unfaithful party is serious about their individual recovery work as well as their primary relationship. The affair recovery process is not only possible but essential if a couple is going to overcome infidelity or addiction. The...

, 6 months 6 days ago

Last week, Samuel discussed a few signs that the unfaithful was unsafe in their own recovery process. This week, we look at ways the unfaithful can help the betrayed partner avoid self-sabotaging or undermining the recovery process for the relationship as a whole. While each situation is unique and challenging, Samuel and special guest and expert clinician Amanda Asproni share insight into navigating the...

, 6 months 1 week ago

Are you a betrayed partner reeling from infidelity, looking for signs to see if your unfaithful mate is taking steps to be safe? Have you ever wondered about what the markers of safety in affair recovery might look like in the first place? There are signs to look for that not only create a sense of safety between partners, but make the painful but necessary recovery process that much easier to wade through....

, 6 months 2 weeks ago
not only can we grow in crisis, we can thrive

It's hard not to think of kids playing, grouped on opposite sides of a thick rope, muscling as hard as they can to overtake the other group and pull them over a line on the ground, when you hear "tug of war." It can sometimes last a little while, or it can end in a split second. I wish betrayal could be that easy. One side wins and it's done, and everyone goes off to play. It's not that easy though, in any situation. Most of the time, there is a winning side and a losing side.

When someone experiences betrayal it is an...

, 6 months 2 weeks ago

Early on after discovery or disclosure of infidelity, it seems normal, and even expected, that the unfaithful is overwhelmed with grief, despair, and even shame. Then, enough time transpires and they are seemingly paralyzed by these emotions and more, leaving them self-absorbed and wallowing in their own pain. The difficulty arrives when the betrayed partner begins to wonder, when will they show remorse for what they've done, and for how their choices have affected their loved ones? To...

, 6 months 3 weeks ago

After an affair, the unfaithful party can struggle with a tremendous amount of confusion and disorientation. Of course we know the betrayed can feel this way as well, but today Samuel is going to focus on a discipline that all wayward spouses can learn from: the view from the bottom. Borrowed from a commentary by Richard Rohr, Samuel shares the need for the unfaithful party to adopt and practice...

, 6 months 4 weeks ago
The gift of grace to a guilty and shame-ridden soul is humbling

The gift of grace to a guilty and shame-ridden soul is humbling. Once given, the receiver has the choice to cherish it and henceforth act in a way that expresses gratitude, or take advantage of it through a selfish entitlement that overlooks the sacrifice and kindness with which it was given.

The grace that my husband has given me throughout recovery has been vital to the survival of our marriage. His ability to extend chance after chance for me to get...

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