Do you feel like you're in a battle? You feel weary, run down, and defeated. Is it hard to open your eyes in the morning to face the day? Does the thought of getting up and having to go through the motions of another day feel like more than you can bear? Is the highlight of your day when you can finally bury yourself under the blankets, or a bottle of wine, or [fill in your own blank]?
I understand that well. But, I'd like to share with you today a story of an epic battle and a hard-won victory.
For...
There's a big difference between general anxiety and trauma-induced anxiety. The kind that comes from trauma is a whole different animal. It's like a silent killer that carries with it the fear of being hurt again, and it forces you to relive the pain of...
When discussing the future of the marriage, the concept of recommitting eventually takes center stage. I'm reminded of a folk tale about a chicken and a pig trying to decide what each should bring to a big party they're throwing. The chicken says he'd be happy to bring some eggs for the party, and he suggests the pig bring some bacon.
"That's not quite fair," the pig responded,...
Today, I'd like to begin by reflecting on a conversation I once had with an angry, wayward spouse. He had been trying to gain his wife's forgiveness ever since his affair two years prior. Sadly, he wasn't making much progress. The sad part in this particular situation wasn't her inability to forgive him, it was the fact that the bitterness...
The night I found out the truth about my marriage is one I’ll never forget. Our new living room was cluttered with moving boxes and packing paper. I had just come from the pool with my daughters, and the cool water hadn’t been enough to clear the fog I felt. Revelations had been trickling forth for days. My husband and I had planned to talk after the girls went to sleep. Deep within, I knew something big was coming as the truth was uncovered.
Each summer, as the anniversary of that night nears, I...
"I'm afraid we'll never achieve the AffairRecovery dream" a couple told me.
What are you talking about?" I asked.
"We're...
Should you confront the affair partner? What are the reasons to do this? Should you tell their spouse about the affair? Does the unfaithful spouse owe an apology to the affair partner's (AP's) betrayed spouse?
As someone who went into these...
Part 1: Not Knowing What Happened Part 2: Not...
Are silence, avoidance, and frustration killing your recovery?
One of my first jobs was working logistics for a barge company. If you have no idea what a barge even is, you've likely seen a towboat on a river with a string of containers that look like railway box...
Welcome to Affair Recovery's Harboring Hope Monthly Drawing. We want to know you. We want to serve you. This means we want to hear from you!
The first step is telling us what we can do for you. Please tell us why you’d like to take Harboring Hope. If you made a comment prior to a previous registration period, that comment is still good for your entry.
Remember, submit a comment of 500 words or less about why you'd like to take the Harboring Hope course. Remember, it's a random drawing so your entry won't be based on merit or on your situation. Comments will be moderated...
Rewind to Valentine's Day 1999.
Envision a blanket spread with a mountaintop picnic, complete with Martinelli’s, fluted glasses, and chocolate-covered strawberries. The official “Will you marry me?” complete with an engagement ring. One of the most joyous days of my life.
The dreams and expectations for our future were as wide and big as the view from that mountaintop. I couldn’t wait to start that journey.
Fast Forward to Valentine's Weekend 2021.
I just finished...
When the pain is intense and life is undone, the process of recovery can seem as slow as pouring thick molasses on a cold winter day! Actions can be taken that help facilitate healing, but it still takes time. It is immensely helpful to lay out the timeline,...
Part 1: How to Reengage Part 2: The Importance of Cherishing
Returning to sexual intimacy after an affair is often an intense and emotionally charged experience. Just thinking about reengaging sexually after the revelation of an affair can fill both partners with anticipation and longing, fear and anxiety, and sometimes even dread. To address this aspect of recovery, one thing is for...
My life changed forever almost eight years ago when I decided to jump out of a perfectly good airplane. Now, before you think I'm about to tell you some crazy cool skydiving story, it's not about that. It's about what happened when I arrived back home.
...
"I can't believe this is my story."
Perhaps you've had a similar thought or even said some version of this aloud. It's an unfortunately natural response amongst those who have found themselves grappling with the life-shattering impact of infidelity. This is true for a...
Couples often ask: "When should we stop talking about this?" For the unfaithful spouse, the question can be rooted in confusion and impatience as they're emotionally exhausted from having to relive the pain of their betrayal. For the betrayed spouse, the question can be rooted in a desire to know they...
The frustration. The agitation. The internal scream from wayward spouses: Please, God, will they ever stop asking these damn questions? You're not wrong, you probably have answered that question before. Maybe 19 times to be exact....
Have you ever wanted to fix something so badly that you'd trade anything to figure out how to undo the damage? Those who have been caught in an affair know what this place feels like.
When their affair or addiction is discovered, the pain and shock on the betrayed mate's face and the sound of their voice –...
In the third grade, I was placed in leg braces. For the first time in my young life, I felt different—isolated, set apart, and alone. The worst part of my new reality came each day at recess with the dreaded game of kickball. Mrs. Anderson would appoint team captains who would take turns selecting team members. I vividly...
What does it mean to forgive yourself—especially in the wake of infidelity? Is self-forgiveness only for the wayward spouse, or is it an assignment for all of us? If you'd asked me that question before Discovery Day (D-Day), I would've said without hesitation: "Self-forgiveness? That's on the unfaithful...
It's hard to escape it: cheating, affairs, and broken trust seem to be everywhere. Infidelity provides an endless source of drama for Hollywood filmmakers. But for those who've lived through it, a constant reminder of their deepest wounds does not feel like entertainment!
It seems to be a...
If you're reading this, you likely understand the immense pain and confusion that secrets of infidelity bring. At Affair Recovery, we know that navigating the aftermath of betrayal is one of the hardest journeys a couple can face. One of the most challenging, yet critical, steps on the path to healing is...
Do you know the number one question couples ask in recovery?
I'll let you know in a moment, but first I want to share with you a story. When my middle daughter was in high school, she decided to be a cheerleader. I was fine with it; what type of trouble could she get into leading cheers, right?
I...
Have you ever wondered: Why can't I just get over this? Do you feel like you're constantly re-living the betrayal, even when you don't want to? Intrusive thoughts keep coming back and won't seem to go away. One minute you are ready to cut ties and move on, the next you're ready to fight for your relationship and work it out. Later...
Who should you tell about the infidelity? Who shouldn't you? Why or why not?
This topic comes up at least once a week when I'm speaking with people just like you.
Some people will rush out and tell everyone and their mother, while others suffer in silence, afraid to tell a single soul....
How many of you have heard of others questioning or thought yourself: If I stay in the marriage after an affair, how will I ever know I'm not just "Plan B"? If so, you are not alone. After finding out that one partner in a committed relationship has had a secret life with another person, it is very natural and common to question this...
Ever lost something that's really important to you? I'm not talking about a phone or even a job. I'm talking about something really important, like a child or a marriage. I've lost something like that. What's worse, my most passionate and sincere efforts to keep it from happening totally failed. I didn't...
Emotional flooding (or dysregulation) is natural in the aftermath of infidelity. Judith Herman says relational trauma, such as infidelity, is "a violation of human connection."1 The attachment rupture that occurs is likely the most painful event the betrayed spouse has ever experienced. They've lost all sense of...
Has infidelity left you feeling irrelevant or expendable? Candace understands that pain. Now an invaluable member of our Affair Recovery team, she speaks with people weekly to help them take a first step toward healing through our courses. Candace is involved in group leadership, alongside her husband, drawing from their...
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