The frustration. The agitation. The internal scream from wayward spouses: Please, God, will they ever stop asking these damn questions? You're not wrong, you probably have answered that question before. Maybe 19 times to be exact....
Have you ever wanted to fix something so badly that you'd trade anything to figure out how to undo the damage? Those who have been caught in an affair know what this place feels like.
When their affair or addiction is discovered, the pain and shock on the betrayed mate's face and the sound of their voice –...
In the third grade, I was placed in leg braces. For the first time in my young life, I felt different—isolated, set apart, and alone. The worst part of my new reality came each day at recess with the dreaded game of kickball. Mrs. Anderson would appoint team captains who would take turns selecting team members. I vividly...
What does it mean to forgive yourself—especially in the wake of infidelity? Is self-forgiveness only for the wayward spouse, or is it an assignment for all of us? If you'd asked me that question before Discovery Day (D-Day), I would've said without hesitation: "Self-forgiveness? That's on the unfaithful...
It's hard to escape it: cheating, affairs, and broken trust seem to be everywhere. Infidelity provides an endless source of drama for Hollywood filmmakers. But for those who've lived through it, a constant reminder of their deepest wounds does not feel like entertainment!
It seems to be a...
Welcome to Affair Recovery's Harboring Hope Monthly Drawing. We want to know you. We want to serve you. This means we want to hear from you!
The first step is telling us what we can do for you. Please tell us why you’d like to take Harboring Hope. If you made a comment prior to a previous registration period, that comment is still good for your entry.
Remember, submit a comment of 500 words or less about why you'd like to take the Harboring Hope course. Remember, it's a random drawing so your entry won't be based on merit or on your situation. Comments will be moderated...
If you're reading this, you likely understand the immense pain and confusion that secrets of infidelity bring. At Affair Recovery, we know that navigating the aftermath of betrayal is one of the hardest journeys a couple can face. One of the most challenging, yet critical, steps on the path to healing is...
Do you know the number one question couples ask in recovery?
I'll let you know in a moment, but first I want to share with you a story. When my middle daughter was in high school, she decided to be a cheerleader. I was fine with it; what type of trouble could she get into leading cheers, right?
I...
Have you ever wondered: Why can't I just get over this? Do you feel like you're constantly re-living the betrayal, even when you don't want to? Intrusive thoughts keep coming back and won't seem to go away. One minute you are ready to cut ties and move on, the next you're ready to fight for your relationship and work it out. Later...
Who should you tell about the infidelity? Who shouldn't you? Why or why not?
This topic comes up at least once a week when I'm speaking with people just like you.
Some people will rush out and tell everyone and their mother, while others suffer in silence, afraid to tell a single soul....
How many of you have heard of others questioning or thought yourself: If I stay in the marriage after an affair, how will I ever know I'm not just "Plan B"? If so, you are not alone. After finding out that one partner in a committed relationship has had a secret life with another person, it is very natural and common to question this...
Ever lost something that's really important to you? I'm not talking about a phone or even a job. I'm talking about something really important, like a child or a marriage. I've lost something like that. What's worse, my most passionate and sincere efforts to keep it from happening totally failed. I didn't...
Emotional flooding (or dysregulation) is natural in the aftermath of infidelity. Judith Herman says relational trauma, such as infidelity, is "a violation of human connection."1 The attachment rupture that occurs is likely the most painful event the betrayed spouse has ever experienced. They've lost all sense of...
Has infidelity left you feeling irrelevant or expendable? Candace understands that pain. Now an invaluable member of our Affair Recovery team, she speaks with people weekly to help them take a first step toward healing through our courses. Candace is involved in group leadership, alongside her husband, drawing from their...
Love is a funny thing.
To the couple in crisis due to infidelity or addiction, it can also be a very confusing thing.
In our culture, love is most frequently portrayed as an overwhelming feeling of attraction and desire. In the land of make believe, love is a magical force that propels the couple to "happily ever after." Our souls resonate with this theme, and we long for our chance to experience that kind of true love and never-ending passion. This universal desire reveals...
Ever catch yourself staring over that fence, thinking the grass is so much greener on the other side?
I did, and it nearly cost me my marriage. This experience ultimately led me to start programs at Affair Recovery, like Hope For Healing, that help people understand why we tend to look for greener grass in...
A while back, a woman named, Sue, sat in my office complaining about her husband, Joe. (That's not unusual; both men and women are forever in my office complaining about their mate.) Sue's complaint was about never feeling chosen. She gave example after example of Joe choosing something (or someone) besides her.
After about twenty minutes, Sue stopped, took a breath, and asked, "Am I the problem?"
Without a second's hesitation,...
On the day I married Stephanie, I...
When responding to an affair, two wrongs never make a right. It's tempting, but by doing this, a betrayed spouse will wound themselves even further.
As C.S. Lewis says in The Four Loves:
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an...
Emotional affairs are devastating. The collateral damage from one sharing their heart and life with another person outside the marriage devastates the betrayed spouse and upends all of life for the couple and family. Trying to piece things together post-affair is not only challenging, it can be one of the most discouraging and frustrating things a couple will ever go through.
What is an emotional affair? What qualifies it as such? Perhaps your spouse is resisting the idea that what...
This week we hear from Marie, a wayward spouse who shares her personal experience of infidelity before, during, and after her affairs. I hope her story brings hope, courage, and understanding to those of you on both sides of this difficult circumstance.
My husband, John, and I were an old married couple before we ever exchanged vows. We lived together, had a dog, and sat around in sweats doing nothing. We loved each other...
"Do I even matter to him?" Sarah asked as she told me that she had allowed Chuck to move home last month even though he still seemed to be pining for his affair partner (AP). Like many, Sarah asked herself over and over again, Am I a fool for even trying to work on my marriage?
During a session together, she shared a portion of her heartbreaking story: "Three days after discovering the physical part of the infidelity, we sat down and he told me everything, but he cried when...
"What in the world attracted you to her? You're disgusting!" Sandy screamed.
Across town a similar conversation was going on between John and Margret. "Are you kidding me?" John said in disbelief. "You're having an affair with an alcoholic who barely scrapes by? Do you really think he has the ability to support you? He only makes a tenth of what I earn." And yet another conversation: “Frank, how could you do this to me? She's 25 years younger than you! She's practically the same age as our daughter!...
"It is over, I don't see the need to talk about it." "It meant nothing, so there is nothing more to say." "It was in the past; can't we just move on and be happy?" "I'll never do it again, so why can't you just believe me?"
Recently Stephanie was perusing the Recovery Library and said to me, "Betrayed spouses need some practical suggestions on forgiveness." My first thought was that forgiveness isn't practical; it's actually rather extravagant. But Stephanie was willing to offer some do's and don'ts for those who have been betrayed. I've rounded out the discussion by offering suggestions for the wayward spouse.
Cover more ground faster with the life-changing experience of EMS Weekend for couples.
My family–everyone except me–loves puzzles. One year, they worked on a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle called "Will the Real Santa...". It was made up of over 32 Santas who all looked basically the same. Each had a white beard and red costume. For hours, my family sat around the table taking each of the thousand...
How do I know if my spouse is truly committed to recovery?
When you are trying to put your life back together in the aftermath of infidelity and addiction, it's important to "stay in your own lane." When it comes to our marriage relationship, it is very natural to question from time to time what IS happening...
Would you be interested in expediting your recovery?
Imagine that you have a heavy chair to carry up three flights of stairs. Did you know your brain's going to estimate how much energy that's...
Imagine that you have a heavy chair to carry up three flights of stairs. Can you feel the dread? Now, imagine as you're picking up that chair, a friend walks up and offers to help. Think about how much lighter...
"I can't believe a married woman with kids could do this. Can't you see how devious she was?!!" Steph yelled.
"I'm 100% responsible," I said. "I won't minimize my responsibility by saying someone tricked me or made me do it. If I'm going to face my issues, I have to take 100% of the responsibility."
"Why do you keep...
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