Laurie Bryson
by Laurie Bryson, M.A., LPC
Member, EMS Weekend Specialist

Is My Mate Truly Committed to Recovery?

How do I know if my spouse is truly committed to recovery?

When you are trying to put your life back together in the aftermath of infidelity and addiction, it's important to "stay in your own lane." When it comes to our marriage relationship, it is very natural to question from time to time what IS happening on the other side of the street, so to speak. This is a kind way to remind us all that we need to focus on our own work.

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Today, we are going to focus on a very short (not exhaustive) list of what we GENERALLY see when an individual is truly doing the work to heal after infidelity. If your mate is doing even half of what we are discussing below, you likely have someone who is trying to get it and do the work needed to heal. This list applies to both the unfaithful and the betrayed spouse. However, betrayed spouses truly do have a longer timeline, and in many ways, a more difficult journey. Many times, if it doesn't seem like a betrayed spouse is committed to healing, it is often not because they don't want to heal, but rather because their process is complicated and their timeline is long. Here is a short check list of things either spouse should focus on during their recovery and healing. Signs of your spouse working in these areas are good signs that healing is being taken seriously.

  1. Consistency. You are seeing daily actions to prioritize safety and restore the relationship and damage done.
  2. Not isolating. They are in a community of some kind. We need others. Wise people will be seeking wisdom from others. This could be group work, Al-Anon, 12 step groups, AR groups, an accountability source (recovery group or a counselor), and healthy friendships.
  3. Spiritual work. The best way to deal with all of our pride as human beings is to open ourselves up spiritually to some form of a higher power. This is not an overly religious or righteous checklist that someone engages in, but rather someone who is working hard at changing their life. In the Christian faith, you will hear the paradox of "only the weak will be made strong," or you will hear "God is near to the brokenhearted." You should start to see a broken heart underneath the pain and the anger.
  4. No more "NEVERS." Someone working a strong recovery program will not say, "I will never do this again." Be aware of "never statements." I will never do a polygraph. There should be a willingness to do whatever it takes to restore trust. Weakness and humility is the goal.
  5. Transparency. They start to admit they can make (or have made) mistakes. You will start to hear and see clearer communication from your mate as time goes on.
  6. Setting Boundaries. You will start to see your mate set boundaries. This could be in their work, with their time, or in their behavior. They will be willing to say no to some things, whether it be working late at the expense of the family, a hobby that makes you feel uneasy, or a behavior or vice, such as drinking or smoking.
  7. Progress, not perfection. Someone who is committed to recovery will keep trying. We always say progress not perfection. Setbacks occur, and like a jagged bell curve, the work of recovery will take some time.

Remember, you are not the judge of your mate, nor are you in charge of the steps they take to recover, but this list can help betrayed spouses be aware of some of the main leading indicators that their mate is working toward the ultimate goal–healing.

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Comments

the journey

Even after 25 years, I see triggers. Forgot to warn her I will be late? Anxiety. Make a statement about infidelity as seen on TV or on social media? A reaction that shows the wounds still can be real. My struggle is to understand that forgiveness doesn't erase memory. And the replacement relationship is never going to be as trusting and grounded in respect as the one I destroyed. I thank God for my family every day. I cannot erase my choices, I can only be a better version of me.

Boundaries

This was the first time I have ever heard that boundaries were never meant to be permanent. I would suggest modifying that to boundaries are in place so long as they are needed for the safety of the person and the relationship. That could enable wayward spouses to site source AR to justify ignoring or trivializing the boundary the betrayed spouse needs in order to heal. Moreover, it has the potential to undermine the betrayed's standing to regain control over the life that was just shattered by the wayward. If I heard my wife share that with me, it would be a huge red flag that she was not committed to doing recovery work or could just unilaterally set the terms of the repair work. I truly hope you will take this suggestion to heart and not compound the challenges of the betrayed face during the recovery process.

Reality Check

I 1000% agree with this article. One thing that I love is that it addresses both spouses in the relationship and their part in the recovery process. The one thing I wish that there was more of in affair recovery is articles that challenge the betrayed spouse to examine their role in recovery. I know not all situations are the same but most will, I believe, will tell you that there was something that led them to the point of an affair. Most recovery is directed at the betrayer needing to make changes in mindset, and they do, but they for the most part didn’t wake up one day and say “I think I’ll have an affair”. When the betrayed spouse doesn’t recognize their behaviors and their need for change in some way it creates triggers for those struggling to keep their commitments to the relationship. I take 100% responsibility for my actions. But there are 2 people in every relationship and it takes both doing their part to acknowledge where it all may have gone wrong. I have so much regret for my decisions but I am triggered constantly because of the way my partner doesn’t take responsibility for their actions or lack of actions. I know that this may be controversial and may make me sounds like a huge jerk but it’s my feelings. I just wish that there was more articles that would help the betrayed spouses to wake up and do the work themselves!

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
 
-D, Texas