This timeline assumes the cheating spouse is comletely separated and done with his/her relationship.  My spouse couldn't get over the intense feelings he had for his "girlfriend" and tried reconnecting with her secretly after three months.  At ten months, he finally let go when she wrote him a letter saying it was over and he needed to leave her alone.  We are at 18 months, and I'd say we have not hit the rebuilding part.  So much damage was caused that I cannot retrust him and am not sure this person or relationship is the right thing for me.  I'm sure some people go through it quicker, but again I think this only happens if the cheating spouse is DONE and already feeling some empathy for the devastating effects of his/her actions. 

Rick,

Excellent article on "how long does it take?"

Jerry Sinclair, Marriage Missionary

Faithful and True of Jacksonville, FL

follow me on LINKEDin

I would like more information about forgiving the other person.  In my case it was a woman who was supposed to be my best friend, someone I had a 17 year history with.  I'm 6 years past discovery but am having difficulty with this as we attend the same church and I see her from time to time.

My marriage has been healed for quite some time, I trust my husband.  I am not concerned about it happening again.  She has truly shown her true colors over the past 6 years and they aren't very pretty.

I believe part of the problem is knowing that on any given Sunday I may run into her however I think a part of the problem is getting my head around how she could have done this to me.

Elaine

your timeline is way too short. we have been in intensive couseling with a wonderful counselor for two years and we are just now starting to normalize. this may be due to my unfaithful husband's reluctance to let go of the other woman.  he continued to insist that he would always love her for over a year after the disclosure. it is only by the guidance of the Holy Spirit that we have made it this far, but now I believe we will make a full recovery. I think your timeline should be twice as long.

Its been three and a half years for me...but my husband tood over two years to tell me everything.He ended it immediately, but we had to get a restraining order against the other woman.  it was a 5 yeal long afair with a women he practically lived with.  My husband travels extensivelly and he took her with him...meanwhile I was home raising three children.  My husband did thing that I can't even fathom..the pychiatrist says I suffered fromm post tramatic stress syndrom.  I met me husband when I was 14, and he is the only man I've ever been with....and up until this affair I though I was the only women he had evver been with.  We are committed to making the marriage work...but it has been a long, long, hard road.  I'm not sure what stage I'm in..it depends on the day.  Your advice and input help alot.  I've just never heard of anyone quite in my situation

Kelllyt

While I agree there is hope that the timeline can be achieved, I do not agree it is true in most cases and it can give a false sense of "completion" at 18 months.  I have heard from various counseling resources in Austin - recovery takes 18 - 24 months, 3-5 years or even 1/2 as many years as the unfaithful spouse was in the affair and for some that is many more years than 2, 3 or even 5 years.

I am 3+ years into recovery and find my marriage is better than it has ever been, but, I feel like I am still healing from the pain to the point of "I'm good" but, not truly "healthy" just yet.

ARC helped my husband and I so much and I am truly thankful for all the counseling and encouragement we received.  We would not still be together if it were not for Rick and Leslie - You guys are AWESOME!!!  My desire is "Let's be real about the possibility of this life changing pain and the effects it has long term and that becoming "HEALTHY" after discovery may take many more years to come."  To me, I find there is a big difference in being "healed" and being "healthy"...  My thoughts...for what it is worth! : )

K

It's been over 12 months since my husband revealed his 2 affairs. As much as I can see the changes he has made over the last year, I still can't let go of the past. I feel the intrusive thoughts I have on a daily basis is hindering my healing. Any advice on how to stop these thoughts.

What if the betrayer, whose betrayal is part of sexual addiction, begins raging, name calling, verbal abuse, ect?  This has left me, the betrayed, with more reasons to not trust.  How should this be dealt with?

I might point out that for every injury of infidelity, or when new information surfaces that changes the picture of the once disclosed betrayal, you can expect the recovery and healing time to take much longer than reported here. My investigation from other resources states that sometimes the more injuries to the marriage, and the longer period of time the betrayal occured, determines whether or not a marriage can survive at all. The injured person's hurt will take however much time is needed, and depends on the spouses assistance and support, or not. Otherwise, it is not so easily grafted as stated here.

My husband is a police officer and he found his side piece while he was working. He visited her at her home during his working hours, I also believe now that he went over there on his off days that he told me he was working and supposedly over time hours. He wanted to end the affair and she threatened to tell me. He continued the relationship, him telling me. She reached out to me on fb messenger, sending me numerous pictures of them, text messages, videos and she iniated a call through messenger. When I got the first message I was actually driving and saw the notification and didn’t know who it was from so I opted to read it later, glad I did. After I got home I forgot about it until someone else send me a message through messenger. When I opened up the message it stated this is what your husband has been doing with me. And I almost fainted. So I saw a miss call, so I returned the call, no answer. She texted back stating she would call me back when she got off work at specified time. Well the time came and went so I called her back. I had decided that I would not go off but allow her to talk so I could get as much information as possible from her and she began to talk and told me she had been seeing my husband for almost a year. How he visited her often, paid bills, got her car fixed, gave her money, how they had sex. She laughed at how my husband told her I suspected another person but it was actually her. I stayed quiet but cried silently. She also said how my husband told her that he would rather have sex with her than me, he did get distant sexually. That conversation lasted about 45 until I heard enough and I asked all the questions I wanted to ask her. After I got off the phone with her, I called him, he was still at work. All he could say was how sorry he was and how stupid he was and that it would never happen again. So now I’m mad because all this new information is processing in my brain. I wanted by the door when I heard his car pull up. I called her back on messenger. And I asked her to say everything she told me again because he was standing there. She did and he was quiet, I wanted him to defend himself and he didn’t. I felt like my soul died. Anger had taken over me. After my anger passed I’m now dealing with trust and pain. After 15 years of being together and 9 years of marriage I never stepped out. I thought the man I had was different and I realized he is human. I am dealing with this pain daily and it will take time. The female has not contacted me anymore since that day, I didn’t block her. I wanted to see if she would continue or stop. We have decide to start over and be stronger than before. I know we will ok. I have to learn to trust my Superman again.

So my wife and I separated February 10 so we could work on somethings and have space, we've been together for 17 years and married for 10. She fed me a bunch of stuff about how it will make us stronger as a couple and as a family, that we would go on atleast 2 dates a month, atleast 2. I find out 2 months after we split from a secret credit card that she rented airbnbs 2 weeks after we separated. 4 in total to my knowledge every weekend in march when she blew me off and I had our kids for our current custody. How do I heal myself when she won't admit the affair, says they just met during our separation. Her story changed 5 times now on when they met. It dates back to the middle of last year sometime I think. Everything makes perfect sense. I know, my kids know, her family knows, her friends all see it. She has blameshifted and gas lighting me and told hundreds of lies. Says everything is my fault, I know it isn't.But she still will not admit anything to me. How do I heal if she won't admit?

My husband And I we’re highschool sweethearts. After 18 years of marriages and 4 children. We ran into each other. We have not been apart since.
His ex cheated on him. As a devout catholic and was hurt by his ex wife’s actions. he preached fidelity. I had rough marriages prior to John.
I still opened my heart and gave him all my trust. We do a lot of charity work through costuming. We had a new seamstress. I had no issues with this. I was sure he was a true man. I went to visit family one weekend. When I got home. I asked him a simple question about a costume. His answer or more the feeling I got from his normal answers struck me the wrong way. I started thinking questionable thoughts. I started to feel uncomfortable with this woman. I let John know. For the next 6 to 8 months he proceeded to tell me I was going crazy. That I needed medication. He went as far a getting the children to be angry at me for thinking that a man who loves us would do anything to hurt us.
He left me standing in the kitchen crying as he said he will not give her up, she was the best seamstress. Left and went there.
I would talk to him about it and eventually he started to let things slip. I would catch it. He was telling her how I felt. I was so embarrassed.
So. I decided that maybe he is right. I told him I was going there with him next time to be fitted for my own outfit. That I will meet her and see for myself. He was nervous but arrogant. What I saw was 2 people who were close. Little actions here and there. I told her that I knew about John confiding to her how I was feeling. She was nervous.
That coming weekend John was working. I decided to go have a fitting by myself. He was aware. He was fine with it. I was there for over 2 hours. This woman told me everything. Like it was nothing. Stating that she told John to tell me. That it was a mistake. The nicer I was to her the more she opened up.
I went home and messaged John asking him to come home early if he could. I needed to speak to him. He asked what was going on and that was confused? I said “ No you are not”
He was confident that she wouldn’t tell me. He was shocked. Then went ahead to tell me it was just a kiss, a mistake that he was embarrassed and that’s why he didn’t want me to know. I can not for a moment believe that it was a one time accident. He said he thought that if he just pretended that it didn’t happen it would be fine.
I’m sorry I know this is long winded. I haven’t gotten these words out like this to anyone. He will not disclose information that I feel that I need to heal. No trust. Little more information gets trickled out here and there. That shows me there’s more. The most horrible thing is, since the day of discovery, 6 months later we lost our son. I’m dying inside. He states that a horrible thing has happened to ur family so I should put his indiscretions in the past. To forget it because something worse has happened. I need help. Please.

But what happens to the timeline when you have no real answers? My husband started taking drugs 6 months before the biggest D Day (yes, I've had many D-Days) and can't remember much. I found out 4 months ago that he'd had sex with two prostitutes when I went to pay the bills and there was no money left. That's when I learned about the drugs too, given to him by a "friend". He's 46, he'd never touched a drug before in his life. But suddenly ended up working away with a group of woman objectifying, drug taking, horrible people. That was the major D-Day. Since then it's been wave after wave of "discoveries" from phone records, discoveries while changing email addresses and bills coming in. Tons of hookup sites, flirty texts with other women, other failed attempts to hire prostitutes, secret "friends", Tinder, Facebook, Kik and an ocean of porn. My last discovery was a week and a half ago that he had subscribed to and paid for a Dutch Ashley Madison style site for married people to cheat and had been sexting with a woman in our home on Christmas eve while I was in bed. Every time I try to move forward I get hit with something new and end up back at square one. He can't tell me anything and looks shocked at whatever new horror I present to him. But I will never get full disclosure from a black out husband. I just keep finding things when I least expect it. I feel like my life now mostly exists of me being in a state of shock. It should be our 10 year anniversary in 2 weeks. I had been planning a huge party and fun things all while this was going on behind my back. He was home 3.5 days a week and away the other 3.5. (He's now commuting long distances to be home ever night) We always had an amazing marriage, were best friends and had a fantastic sex life until October last year when it was like he dropped off the face of the planet. We'd still have sex at home but suddenly when he was away he lost all interest in phone sex, sending pictures, everything. And when he was home he was mostly asleep or glued to texting on his phone. We went from total connection to zero. When he was away it felt like he was just trying to get rid of me on the phone every evening. And I later discovered he really was trying to get rid of me so he could flirt with other women and pursue prostitutes. I feel like I'm going crazy. That is not the guy I married. He's acting normal again now but all the trust is gone. I don't look at him the same way even though he says he feels normal again. What we had is gone. I discovered the first wave of dodgy messages to other women (groupies, he works in entertainment) on 2nd February (7 months ago). I freaked out then and he looked me in the eye and promised he'd never hurt me again. And then for the next two months continued contacting these women and escalating to prostitutes. I don't know how to trust again after that. It doesn't help that we have been through two marriage councillors both who tried to press hard for details about the show and the people involved like they were more interested in juicy gossip about famous people rather than helping. The next closest therapist is 2.5 hours away from us and not available for 6 months. So I'm stuck and losing my reason.