Years ago, John entered my office requesting help for his dilemma: "Women are always coming on to me," he began, "and my wife is really upset about it. What can I do?"

Puzzled, I asked him to give me examples. I assured him I was better looking than him and didn't have the same problem. I said, "There must be something more going on."

John said, "Well, one woman came into my office today, kicked off her shoes, came behind my desk and began to give me a back rub."

"Really?" I replied, "Give me another example." "Well at the little league game on Saturday, I was sitting in the stands watching my son play when a woman came up and sat beside me. She gave me a great big hug and said she was counting the hours until she saw me at the game."

"Incredible," I responded, "I've been to a lot of little league games and I've never had that happen. Did you happen to know these women?"

I've always been amazed at how naïve people tend to be when it comes to the birds and the bees. It's as if they have no clue how things get started. Of course, John knew these women, but his blindness to his own behaviors continually put him at high risk for an affair. Upon further investigation, I discovered his secret: he was the master of compliments. John had an incredible photographic memory. Each day, he would go around the office and compliment the women on their dress. If they wore a new set of clothes, he noticed. If they changed anything about their hair, he made a comment. If they had a new set of earrings, he took note. Even if they changed the color of their nail polish, he'd point it out. I suspect that for most of these women, there had never been a man, including their own husbands, who had been so attentive to them. For that reason, John had a constant stream of women coming by his office or approaching him out in public.

These behaviors are called grooming behaviors. They are words or actions that cause someone to be drawn to the person. For men, that behavior is what I call "pimping tenderness." It is a man's way of stirring emotion and affection in a woman in order to draw her attention. All a man has to do is feign interest, pay attention, give compliments, and know it or not, the game is on. For women, grooming behaviors may involve flirting or certain ways of dressing. "What's wrong with flirting?" some will ask. For a single person, there is nothing wrong with the dance of courtship between two interested people. But the man or woman who is committed to a spouse and displaying these grooming behaviors is literally playing with fire. Even if in the beginning of a playful encounter there is honestly no interest in the other person, the emotions generated by a flirty conversation may well lead to rogue desires that threaten to destroy the lives of many.

Below are a few examples of the types of grooming behaviors I see most frequently.

Are Grooming Behaviors Harming Your Relationship?

Couples recovering from the betrayal of infidelity need a culture of safety in order for healing and re-engagement to begin. Creating that environment requires effort on the parts of both spouses. Examine how you interact with other people. You may be totally unaware of the existence of high-risk, grooming behaviors. If you are unsure if you display any of these grooming behaviors, then ask your mate to point out anything they perceive as risky.

Most people tend to get defensive if their mate shares they are witnessing risky or grooming behaviors. That's because we tend to judge ourselves by our intentions, and we judge others by our actions. Since we don't feel we have corrupt intentions when interacting with others, it seems "harmless" to us to be showing a desire for connection with others. After all, you're "just friends." The danger lies in the probability of the positive attention you receive in return for these grooming behaviors catching you by surprise and stirring rogue desires in either person. At the very least, risky behaviors can leave the other mate feeling unsafe and uncared for.

My friend's wife described this feeling succinctly. They were grocery shopping when a tall, gorgeous blonde seemed to stride past them at the turn of every aisle. The wife didn't say a word to her husband as he continued to gawk at the woman. When they finally made it to the car, she said to him, "I saw you staring at a tall, blonde woman in the produce section."

The husband had learned in recovery not to get defensive or try to cover his tracks, so he replied, "Yeah, and in the dairy and meat sections too." He was waiting for the lecture, for the yelling, for the scene, but what his wife did instead crushed his spirit.

She looked up at him and replied with an air of defeat, "I wish you would save some of those looks for me."

Those who are in the habit of displaying these grooming behaviors, be willing to lay down your perceived rights for the sake of the relationship. This may include your perceived right to flirt, encourage, compliment, or even to get your legitimate needs met in an illegitimate way with members of the opposite gender. You may feel your mate needs to "get over it" and that this is just how you are. Perhaps, instead, we need to grow in our capacity to love and learn to care about both the feelings we may be creating in our mate and the feelings we may be stirring in ourselves and others. Just because it's the way you've always done things or the way you've always been does NOT make it a safe, loving, or appropriate act.

If you'd like help learning how to protect your relationship or you wish you could better understand how you got to this place in the first place, join us at an EMS Weekend. You won't leave the same person!