The Affair Causing Habit

This was an amazing article that has alot of insiteful information. I believe it would be beneficial for couples to read these to protect their marriage. Thank you.

" Curiosity, I was thinking about curiosity," I replied. I'll tell you more about it later once I figure it out.

I would like to know more about the conversation that you had with your wife after you identified your curiosity.
How much detail did you go into? What are/were your boundaries to protect you and your wife for that conversation?
Thanks

This worries me because my husband “guarantees” he will never stray again after contacting an old lover and starting an emotional affair. My follow up question is always, “Is that confidence or arrogance? Did you ever think you would do what you did when we got married?” He has enormous curiosity and a lack of self awareness and how his actions come across to others.

This is me. I'm always seeking outside validation. I know it stems from my childhood. How do I change? I need more info on this topic.

I read this article & feel like it is touching on a perspective that we all could benefit from. It sounds like Rick is speaking in IFS (Internal Family Systems) language- which is an amazing technique to learn more about one's vunerable/wounded parts. My husband & I actually were introduced to IFS through AR when we were meeting together with Wayne during our EMS weekend. That kicked off a trajectory of self discovery on both our parts (my husband & myeself) that has benefited us then (a difficult & trying time) and continues to benefit us presently. Would love to hear what more you have to speak on this Rick. I can't help but think everyone- not just those brought to AR becuase of a crisis with infidelity- would benefit from parts work with IFS.

You and your organization literally saved my life 3 years ago. I could have rested in that experience and knowledge.
Now.
This.
It is was so new, very insightful and extremely helpful.
Thank you will always fall short...but from the bottom of my healing heart...thank you.

So helpful and insightful. I recall at some point thinking that I guess I could only get away with this because NO one would EVER think I could or would do something like this. I never cheated on any boyfriend, EVER. I simply was NOT that person. I recall saying to friends years prior, who in the world has the time or energy for an "affair?!" I was above reproach. It was flat out something that I would NEVER do. While my my marital relationship was sinking, and I couldn't name my mild depression around my husband, therefore i saw ZERO warning signs when i ran into an ex-boyfriend all the way back from HS & college. So, although suddenly flying high, I didn't think much of exchanging numbers, having a meal. having a drink, talking on the phone, I mean, we're not living near each other, so what's the problem here?. No alarm bells, AT ALL. Someone turned on the happiness light again. This was, well, a good thing. Not even any real concern that I seemed to be living, waiting for a text or call. Distancing myself further and further from my husband. Like they all say, it was a drug. Even when plans were made to see each other, i justified it. We're old friends and he listens and makes me laugh, we'll just enjoy each other's company, no big deal. I think with most women, it always starts as an emotional affair. We are wired differently and that "connection" as i used to say, is what opens the door to doing something I never thought I could do. Unfortunately, the marriage did not survive, but neither did the AP. I wish I could have seen more warning signs. Maybe it would not have saved the marriage, but it would have saved me years of torturing myself with guilt and profound regret.

That's great that you stopped yourself and realized what initiating such conversation could bring up. One thing I struggle with is knowing that my husband is even still desiring these types of interactions in the first place. While I realize Human nature says sure, you are a sexual being and it's natural to find others attractive, I feel like thoughts such as the ones you described extend beyond that. The internal struggle you worked through tells me that you saw that waitress as more than an attractive person. While I can acknowledge attractive people all day, that's all they are to me, is people. There is no "more" that those attractive assessments stir up in my mind. I don't cross over into a struggle of needing to hold back because those moments do not involve a desire for any kind of sexual connecting. Knowing that my husband has to work at not seeking that "more" from other women tends to deflate my desired place in his mind, which is a very black and white "I only desire my wife in those ways, I only want that kind of attention from this woman who I love more than anything in this world."
Perhaps I am unrealistic in terms of a man's mind, however I don't want to commit to traveling down this painful path he has paved for us if I am still unknowingly competing with opportunities as they arise.

Thank you for sharing this insight. One of the biggest reasons I believe I made the choices I did was because I didn’t have clear boundaries in place and didn’t fully understand what was and wasn’t appropriate within a marriage. Looking back, I can see that many of my decisions were made from a younger, less mature perspective.

The question about why we interact with people the way we do really stood out to me. It challenged me to look deeper at my own patterns and motivations rather than focusing only on the behavior itself. The statement, “I've learned you can't 100% affair-proof your marriage, but you can affair-proof yourself,” was especially powerful. It shifted my focus toward personal responsibility and growth.

The emphasis on regularly examining myself, building healthy habits, and establishing strong boundaries is such a valuable reminder. Thank you for sharing this perspective, it provided a lot to reflect on.

I really appreciate this article & have given it a lot of thought.
From a young age, I learned from the women in my family the importance of male attention & validation.
Marry a man & he’ll “complete” you, providing what I’d need to be happy. If he can’t (emotionally avoidant), find attention elsewhere.
I naively thought I was in control of myself & situations. Looking back, I’m grateful nothing bad happened.
Fast forward to my marriage. I was in an emotionally non-existent, unhappy marriage with 2 kids. I flirted a lot.
Fast forward 24 years into the marriage, I had my 1st infidelity. Subconsciously, I wanted my husband to find out to get his attention of how unhappy I was. It backfired spectacularly.
What I learned was quite painful for my husband & me. I was abandoning both of us for the dopamine rush when men complimented & paid attention to me.
What could go wrong? I was strong & had good common sense.
After attending therapy & a 12 step program, I learned how unhealthy my upbringing was, hurting myself with my behavior.
Now I realize how important it is for me to be aware of what I’m feeling & thinking before speaking or acting out.
My addiction is far more clever than I am. It’s important to slow down & examine my motives before speaking/acting out.
Recently, I wanted to reach out to my affair partner to say “Hi” & see how he’s doing. My first thought was that it was ok because that’s what I wanted to do. It was harmless, really? I questioned my motivation & asked myself what was I hoping to get out of it. I realize I’m lonely & wanted some attention. As I thought it through, I would be using him to get a validating dopamine hit, abandoning myself again. Once I followed the thought through, it became obvious what was going on for me. I went deeper into myself asking what my little girl needs. She wants connection & a hug from a father who passes away 4 years ago. What could the next best thing I could do to help her feel safe & loved? The old pattern of self punishment was being replaced by love & compassion.

Really liked this article as it encouraged me to look deeper. I’m more extroverted than my wife but have my quieter times, and always have enjoyed meeting others. Growing up I was never the most handsome one and learned to be a nice, outgoing and friendly guy which got me female attention to compete with my more handsome friends. Although I still wound up in the “friend zone” at times. My wife has mentioned this to me in this situation and I can appreciate this view. I’ve read this take before and see this from her point of view now but I do have questions. Not to be a “but what about her” question but I’d like to ask point of why does a woman need the attention of other men? Why be dressed up to feel good when seeking the attention of other men? Why the girls trip to Vegas to look good and get the attention of other men? Is this just a way to get back for not enough attention from a husband, a lack of self confidence, a trained behavior from being told from a young age that you’re beautiful and that’s what’s desired for self confidence and carried over? Is it a need to know she can still attract other males to feel good now that she sees wrinkles in middle age?