The Proper Use of Boundaries - Creating Space for Healing and Change Cover more ground faster with the life-changing experience of EMS Weekend for couples. This isn't another light-and-fluffy program that only scratches the surface of your pain. The EMS Weekend Experience is a safe space for you and your partner to start putting the pieces of your life back together, transform your trauma and begin healing from infidelity. Skeptical about the effectiveness of this experience? Don't be! Backed by a slew of previous participant testimonials, EMS Weekend delivers results month after month for countless couples. During EMS Weekend, we won't shame the unfaithful spouse nor blame the betrayed spouse. What we will do is pair you with a small community of other couples and an expert therapist - all of whom have experienced infidelity firsthand - as well as provide comprehensive resources to help you kick-start your healing journey. Sign Up Now! Don't want to travel? Check out the Virtual EMS Weekend option. How does one "create space" for healing? How can I create an opportunity for change in my own life, let alone in my spouse's life? Well, you didn't ask, but I'm sure it's a question you would ask if we were to sit and have coffee together. If someone steps on my foot, depending on how hard they stomp on it, I'll either whisper or yell, "Ouch!" If they do it over and over again, I'll tell them they're hurting my foot and they need to stop doing that. The process includes telling them that their actions are hurting me, and they need to stop before they hurt me again. I may even tell them what I'm going to do to avoid being stepped on, or if they don't stop, what further action or what consequence they will face. At that point I've set the "don't step on my foot" boundary. Notice that my actions aren't aimed at changing them, but rather in protecting my foot, as well as our relationship. The other person will ultimately have to decide whether or not they're going to alter their behavior, but at least I've warned them and have taken important steps to protect myself. Response Patterns Relationships are no different. At times, our mate "steps on our foot." We then have several ways we can respond: We can ignore it and hope it doesn't happen again. This may be okay if it's a first offense, but if there's a repetitive pattern, more may need to be done to prevent resentment, or worse, empowerment of their behavior. We can say, "Ouch!" and hope our mate notices our pain and makes efforts not to do it again. We can withdraw and make sure they don't ever have an opportunity to step on our foot again. We can stomp on their foot so they feel the same pain and feel motivated to be more careful next time. We can be assertive and set a boundary, letting them know that stepping on our foot is no longer okay. After setting the boundary, we can let them know what we're going to do to protect ourselves and/or what we will do if we are stepped on again. Infidelity is certainly a more extreme pain than getting one's foot stepped on, but the potential response patterns are the same. I'm not trying to minimize the situation, but wanting to give an example everyone can use to think about the importance of setting boundaries. The goal for boundaries: self-protection and relationship regulation When there is no feedback mechanism to inform our mate of our wounds, we are limited in our ability as a couple to accommodate one another. Healthy couples communicate appreciations, wounds, and take personal responsibility for hurtful actions by showing a desire to make amends with one another. Without these three forms of communication, it's difficult to know if we really matter to our mate. Do they really care? Are they going to be there when we cry out for them? Do they have any sincere interest in caring for our needs? Boundaries help define the expectations of our relationships, and there are unique and important boundaries within a marriage relationship. These boundaries define monogamy and our rules of engagement. If a partner crosses one of these boundaries, they betray the agreement they made with their mate. We often mistakenly believe the purpose of boundaries is behavior modification, but this is not true. Boundaries are for self-protection and the protection of the relationship as a whole. Hopefully, when the boundaries are ignored, the person violating the boundary will make amends out of respect, concern, and heartfelt empathy for us. If they refuse to honor our boundaries, we'll need to quickly and efficiently do what is necessary to enforce them. While boundaries are essential for defining how we're going to live and interact with one another, they are ineffective when it comes to changing our mate. All too often, I see the wounded mate establishing consequences to their boundaries in hopes that their mate's fear of the consequence will stop the destructive behavior pattern. While that fear may definitely serve as a short-term deterrent, it won't work as the only long-term solution! The pain suffered as the result of boundary violations serves only as short-term deterrents to destructive behavior. Boundaries as a change mechanism are only effective as long as the pain remains or the fear of the consequence is in place. Once those fears are gone, the motivation for change decreases. When the new behaviors no longer provide the happiness they seek, it won't be long until the allure of returning to old behaviors outweighs the benefits of the new behaviors. Hence, the reason why expert care at the beginning of the process of healing and restoration is so important. I'm certainly not saying that things can't change, but change that is externally imposed is short-term, at best. True change comes from the inside out. It's about a change of heart, not a change of behavior. Change comes because we care and we're willing to do whatever is necessary to be different. Do not misunderstand—consequences must be set to protect yourself, and hopefully those consequences will serve as a motivation to begin the stages and work of long-term transformation. Marriage is hard. There is no way that two people can negotiate a life together and not step on each other's toes. There has to be give and take and the willingness to communicate when we feel hurt. Hopefully, we respond and make a sincere effort to stop hurting each other. Healthy marriages are a process of negotiation and compromise where, because of our love, we try to act in our mate's best interest. Research shows that a third of all marital problems are unsolvable. Happy couples have an ability to peacefully live and work around each other's perpetual problems. In order for that to occur, there has to be a genuine concern for our mate, and a willingness to forgo our happiness for theirs if needed. The Three Stages of Boundaries If your mate continues to seek their own pleasure at the expense of the relationship and your well-being, boundaries need to be established or reinforced. However, don't forget that behavior doesn't always equal motive. From time to time, we all fail and act in ways that are contrary to the character we desire, which is why I suggest the following progression when implementing boundaries: The FIRST stage is requesting that they take note of their actions, understand that they are hurting you, and make a concerted effort to stop. Don't assume they are intentionally committing the offense. Explaining to them how their actions have hurt you and requesting that they not do it again gives them opportunity to show you the condition of their heart. If they take responsibility and acknowledge that what they did was wrong, then you're off to a good start. If they are genuinely concerned about the fact that they've wounded you and are doing whatever they can to help you heal, then they're acting in your best interest. If they're upset with themselves for having hurt you and are seeking reconciliation, then it's a fairly safe bet that this person values you and the relationship and will do their best to avoid hurting you in the future. The SECOND stage is telling them to stop. If you've already requested they pay attention to their hurtful actions, and they continue them anyway, turn up the volume by telling them they're hurting you and demanding they stop. Remember, the reason for the boundary is your protection. They may or may not respect your boundary, but if you love them, then for love's sake, the boundary needs to be set. Love always acts in the best interest of the other person. Allowing your mate to act in a way that is unloving, isn't loving them. It's not okay to enable someone to act in ways that are self-destructive or to treat others in ways that are hurtful. Love compels us to act in the best interest of the other person. Once you tell them to stop, their response is the next litmus test of their heart's condition. If there is no response, it's time to go to the third stage. If they are grieved over their continued failure and are attempting to address the problem, there's still hope. If they say they'll stop, but aren't grieved over the damage they've caused you, their heart may be hard and they may continue to be ambivalent about stopping the behavior. Ambivalence is a state where a person holds two diametrically opposed positions at the same time and it leaves them stuck, unable to choose one or the other. For this person, there is a strong likelihood that they will once again violate the boundary. The THIRD stage is demanding they stop and telling them what you're going to do to protect yourself if they don't. This is the last stage of boundaries. Notice the point of setting the boundary isn't to change them, but rather to protect you. We can't control how they'll respond, but we can control how we're going to respond if they don't stop the destructive behaviors. When enforcing boundaries, it's important to respond out of love. It's not about vengeance. It's not about controlling them. It is about telling them that it's not okay to treat others the way they're treating you. It's communicating that because of your love and respect for them and your own self-respect, you will not allow them to keep hurting you in this way. In this third stage, the offending spouse will have two choices: they will either choose to do what's necessary to honor the betrayed spouse's boundaries or they will continue to act in their own selfish interest. If it's the latter, you'll have to follow through with the course of action you've chosen to keep yourself safe. The consequence(s) will hopefully result in re-evaluation of the importance of the relationship versus the behavior. At the very least, it can provide the opportunity for intervention, change, and the healing process to begin. Cover more ground faster with the life-changing experience of EMS Weekend for couples. This isn't another light-and-fluffy program that only scratches the surface of your pain. The EMS Weekend Experience is a safe space for you and your partner to start putting the pieces of your life back together, transform your trauma and begin healing from infidelity. Skeptical about the effectiveness of this experience? Don't be! Backed by a slew of previous participant testimonials, EMS Weekend delivers results month after month for countless couples. During EMS Weekend, we won't shame the unfaithful spouse nor blame the betrayed spouse. What we will do is pair you with a small community of other couples and an expert therapist - all of whom have experienced infidelity firsthand - as well as provide comprehensive resources to help you kick-start your healing journey. Sign Up Now! Don't want to travel? Check out the Virtual EMS Weekend option. Sections: NewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: For The Hurt SpouseFor the Unfaithful SpouseRecovery FundamentalsSexual HealingStrengthening MarriageWhy Marriages FailRL_Media Type: Text
