Hope For Healing Excerpt: How Does The Unfaithful Make Amends? Hope for Healing registration opens today at Noon CT. Designed specifically for wayward spouses, Hope for Healing is a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to heal and develop empathy. Over the years, this 17-week, small group course has helped thousands of people find hope, set healthy boundaries and move toward extraordinary lives. Click the button below to find out more. Register For Hope For Healing! How do you communicate to someone that you're sorry you've done something that has forever altered his or her life? The following is adapted from our Hope for Healing course for unfaithful spouses. In my own recovery, one of the most frustrating aspects of communication with my wife was her unwillingness to accept my apologies. Time and time again I would express remorse over what I'd done. But each time I'd tell her I was sorry, she'd usually respond in one of four ways: "You're sorry alright." "You're just sorry you got caught." "You're just sorry that I'm mad." "You're just sorry about what this is going to cost you." I felt insulted. Couldn't she see my heart? Didn't she know how sincere I was? One thing is for certain, I'm a slow learner. It took me years to figure out that saying I was sorry as a way of making amends didn't work and was never going to work. How does the unfaithful spouse communicate their sincere remorse over the pain they have caused and help move things toward healing? The root of this issue is found in our desire for connection. Medical science describes this "need for connection" through what is known as Attachment Theory. Detachment Dilutes Empathy From the perspective of this theory, we are hard wired for connection. It helps explain why an eighteen-month-old goes into primal panic when their parent leaves the room or why adults begin to flood emotionally when their mate uses "that tone of voice." Oneness is another word for being connected, attached, or as we put it, married. This need for attachment is woven into the very fabric of our DNA. Connection is as important to us as air and water, which explains why solitary confinement is one of the worst punishments given to humans. Without attachment, we eventually go insane and die. It is the intensity of this need that drives our desire for meaningful relationships. It is also the essence of romance. The loss of that connection leaves us gasping for relational air. This theory plays out every time a toddler begins to panic when their parents walk out of the room. Psychologists have labeled this reaction as attachment distress. We adults are no different. We long to know that we matter to our mate and that they are there for us. Something as simple as a tone of voice or the rolling of their eyes can trigger that same flood of emotion experienced by the toddler. Disconnection from those most important to us knocks the relational air right out of us. At that moment, we all experience that need for connection, but rarely does it feel safe to reengage with the one who knocked the wind out of us. A Protocol For Reconnection and Remorse I remember an incident in high school where my little brother slugged me in the solar plexus, effectively knocking what seemed to be every molecule of air out of my lungs. As I lay on the floor, straining to get my first breath, I remember him laughing in triumph because he had finally laid out his big brother. His laughter stopped, however, as I coaxed air back in my lungs. He began running for his life, locking himself in the bedroom. I'm not proud of my response, but in a fit of rage, I put my fist right through his door. I do wish that I could have seen the look on his face as he saw my fist come through the door, but I guess that is his portion of the story to tell. While that incident may sound extreme, it is nothing compared to what I've witnessed couples doing when one of them felt disregarded, discarded, or disrespected by their mate. The impact of infidelity is particularly brutal. Similar to the incident with my brother, the person who's betrayed frequently finds themselves stunned, gasping for air, and unwilling to trust the person who just devastated their life. At that moment of detachment, it's as if we can no longer feel our existence in our mate's mind. It takes a significant amount of assurance before most people will feel safe enough to once again let their mate back in. To regain a sense that they matter requires you to reconnect through feelings. To feel safe enough to reengage, your betrayed spouse must feel a synchronization of emotions between the two of you, as well as a sense of grief from you for the pain you inflicted. Your spouse needs to know you understand the nature of that pain, and they need to know that you are committed to making sure it never happens again. Betrayed spouses may in fact retaliate in kind so you can feel what they're feeling. Betrayed spouses may get desperate, begging you not to leave them. Or they could get so depressed that they can no longer function. Maybe they go into savior mode trying to guard their family. Regardless of their response, they all need the same thing. They need to know that they matter to you, that you are grieved over what you've done to them, and that you care and are committed to making sure this never happens again. The following is a simple tool for reconnection with your mate. If you're willing to place yourself in your mate's shoes, this simple process can truly help facilitate a new sense of connection between you and your mate. The following is an example of how to use the H.U.R.T technique. Hurt Tell the other person what you did to hurt them. (Don't explain why you did it or what your intention was. This isn't about you.) For example: On December 18 – January 15, 2023, I was unfaithful to you. I had an affair with another woman. I shared intimate details about myself with this other woman. I also shared my emotions, body, and time with her. I chose to share these things with her for this time instead of sharing them with you. I abandoned you, your love, and my commitment to you. I spoke only anger towards you when I chose to talk to you. I did not tell you I loved you. I made plans to leave you without your knowing. I blamed you for the way I was feeling. On January 6, I deceived you by lying and having my affair partner lie to you. I chose to live the secret of my affair instead of ending it. At the end of January, the truth started coming out, but it took me three months to do it. I controlled the flow of information because I was ashamed. I did not want to admit these things to you because I did not want to hurt you. I lied again and again to make myself look better, how ridiculous! You believed me and I shattered your trust. I betrayed you and I shattered your heart. Understanding Tell them how you think it made them feel and then legitimize their feelings. For example: You must be feeling disgusted, worthless, unimportant, unloved, distraught, ruined, embarrassed, humiliated, inadequate, scared, confused, angry, devastated, worried, ashamed, alone, dismissed, undesired, uncertain, unappreciated, foolish, insecure, numb, betrayed, miserable, untrusting, disrespected, destroyed, dirty, unwanted, and hurt. You have every right to feel this way and more. I know I would; I would be worse. Remorse Express remorse for your actions and how it makes you feel about yourself. For example: There are not enough words to describe the remorse, sadness, and emptiness I feel for treating you in such a cruel and undeserving manner. I was wrong to do the things I did. Regardless of what I've said, you've done nothing to deserve this. I feel ashamed, dirty, unworthy, hurt, untrustworthy, disgusted, angry, disappointed, sickened, empty, and lifeless for treating you and our love like it was meaningless. Telling your mate how you feel about yourself as a result of your actions is the step that provides significance to your words. Simply saying I was sorry in no way reflected grief over what I had done to my wife. However, if my actions and words reveal that I'm not only taking responsibility for my hurtful actions, but that I'm also upset with myself for having wounded her, then she can sense that I feel as strongly about what has happened to her as she does and her need to get me to understand is eliminated. Time Tell them you know this may take time and they can take the time they need to heal. Also, you can request that they give you time to address your issues so you can avoid doing this again. For example: I will be patient for as long as it takes you to heal. I will be here to do anything I can to help you regain ground towards a great future. I will also be working on myself so I can grow and be aware of my vulnerabilities. I pray that one day you will be able to forgive me for committing this wrong. Hope for Healing is a safe place to heal for the unfaithful. Without shaming or condemnation, Hope for Healing provides insight on how to find and display empathy and humility, while gaining a deeper understanding of how you've found yourself in this place as an unfaithful spouse. We invite you to join us. Hope for Healing registration opens today at Noon CT! Space Is Limited! Designed specifically for wayward spouses, Hope for Healing is a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to heal and develop empathy. Over the years, this 17-week, small group course has helped thousands of people find hope, set healthy boundaries and move toward extraordinary lives. "The sooner after D-Day you can become involved in Affair Recovery, the better. I went from not being welcome in my own home to sharing a bed with my wife once again - much sooner than I expected. EMS Online helped us to communicate effectively, and Hope for Healing really helped me understand the issues I have with myself. Meeting strangers that are in the exact same situation as you is so helpful. They become your friends and confidants." - E., Pennsylvania | April 2021 HFH Participant Spaces fill up quickly for this course. Click the button below to learn more about Hope for Healing and to claim your spot. Register For Hope For Healing! Sections: NewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: Emotional RegulationFor the Unfaithful SpouseHandling DiscoveryThe Role of EmpathyRL_Media Type: Text
